Several months ago, I got a little fed up with the spam constantly hammering my Yahoo email account. One day, I had three, or four of those “African Lawyer” emails right in a row, lined up like fucking overdue payment notices in my mailbox. I forwarded them to each other. I thought I was being cute. A few days later, I had four more. This time, I took the first one and read it. It was such a lousy attempt that I mailed the dude back to complain and well, came up with a better idea in the process. He mailed me back! It seems he likes the idea, I think especially the part about hot chicks. So he wants to work together and I’m going to string him along for all its worth AND publish it for the entertainment value. I’ve just cut these right out of my emails to him and switched the order so you can read top to bottom. Here’s our correspondence, to-date:

--- Barrister Richard Wilson wrote:
BARRISTER RICHARD WILSON.
RICHARD WILSON & ASSOCIATES
DAKAR-SENEGAL
TEL: + 221 4183317
Email: barristerwilson@terramail.com.sv

Yours sincerely,
Barrister Richard Wilson (ESQ)
TEL: + 221 4183317
Email: barristerwilson@terramail.com.sv

Dear Barrister Richard Wilson,

I would offer just a few words of advise to you:
1) When seeking to scam someone via email, check your spelling, punctuation and especially grammar if you wish to pass yourself off as a Barrister even if English isn’t your first language, or your supposed to be from Dakar. Mine suks too, but I’m not trying to pass myself off as somebody who should know better.
2) When asking someone to pose as someone else for the purposes of fraud, do not ask for their “honest” help, it smacks of sarcasm and makes me want to insert a 10 cm diameter (metric, just for you) metal rod up your ass until I break teeth.

3) Only an idiot would believe that they could pose as someone else for the purposes of fraud and not breach any laws in this country, or in Europe. Since variations of this scam have been ongoing for years, you need some fresh material-a new angle, anything not quite so tired as this one. Try good old check fraud, phishing, or conventional ID theft-whatever, just don’t insult me by saying we can pull this off, legally. Hey man, I’m always up for a good scam, but this shit is LAME.
4) If someone is greedy and immoral enough to participate in fraud, they wouldn’t want to give 5% to charity. Hello? I suggest you drop this little nugget from your schtick and focus on the pot of gold, or like I said, try a new scam. I have received HUNDREDS of these emails from all sorts of donkey-dick, cocksucking, ass-wipe Sengalese lawyers just like you and while this isn’t the most unintelligent attempt, it ranks right up there with the very worst. Please don’t be offended, I really meant most of this as constructive criticism. I mean, quit insulting my intelligence and present me with a scam that at least makes me consider it for a microsecond.

Or, you could ignore all this good advise and just put in lots of porn shots. A nice set of tits is an excellent method of distraction and misdirection. That’s why the successful magician usually has a hot fucking assistant. You know-he’s pulling a white dove out of his ass while your oogling her awesome rack.

Wait, that’s it! You could run the whole scam around a nice set of BOOBS. THIS is a good idea! Dude, I’m with you on this. Lets see, say your representing this poor hot blonde widow who’s been wrongfully imprisoned in a Lagos jail. Yeah, then you slip in pics of said hottie tied up in some sort of interesting position that shows off her tight ass and mighty fine rack, right? Then, um, give her a couple of hot daughters that need a place to stay in the states while we work out the financial details instead of offering to come over, yourself. I mean really, I’m sure you’re a fine-looking man but I’d take a couple of hot daughters over your ugly old ass any day of the week-no offense. Think about it. If you had the choice to hook up with someone while while pulling off a case of fraud, would you rather it was a grey-haired, fat-ass, Sengalese lawyer or a couple of young hotties all broken up over their wrongfully imprisoned mommy? THIS is a scam. THIS can work.

So, what do you say? I dig Dakar, man. We could always meet at the Miramar, over on the Plateau, off of Rue FÃlix Faure. Know the place? The bartender’s name is Ragu Snot. He’s the short, fair-haired fellow with the tattoo of a snake eating a baby. He’s a nice guy, but a shitty bartender and has a predilection for buggering small animals. Order only bottled beer and don’t squeak like a chipmunk. Later, a drive down to the Cap Manuel, or North for a day out at Ile De Yoff to hammer out the details?? Ever been to La Siesta at Hann, Bel air, Cambérène, Parcelles Assainies? The terrace view is to die for. Anyway, are you willing to work together on this? It would cost you nothing financially and I can assure you that we can draft an agreement that would be executed legitimately, with no breach of the law by you or I.

I would only require your private bank account number along with your credit card numbers and expiration dates. While your at it, give me those little, 3 digit numbers on the back, too. Just in case I need to send you money or make a monthly payment on your cards as a gesture of good faith. You know the routine, man. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge;)

Finally, if this business interests you, please get in touch with me immediately via my private email address or telephone for security reasons, I will welcome messages that come only from my private email address and telephone. Also indicate to me your contact phone and fax numbers to enable me call you immediately for more information. PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
I await your urgent response to this message.

Yours sincerely,
Barrister Theodore Nugent III (ESQ)
Seismic Pirate & Associates
123 Pirate’s Cove
Uncharted Island in the Caribbean

ps. Sorry I borrowed the last paragraph from you. It sounded pretty good and makes me feel impotant.

--- Barrister Richard Wilson wrote:

Yours sincerely,
Barrister Richard Wilson (ESQ)
TEL: + 221 4183317
Email: barristerwilson@terramail.com.sv

Dick,

May I call you Dick? Dick is a less formal name in my country for Richard and you seem like a dick to me. You seem to also be such an important person in Dakar with many associates. A very important, big man. Yes, to honor your greatness I will call you a Big Dick.

Can you please tell me why a big dick such as yourself needs my help? I mean, yes, your use of English has improved immensely since your initial email, and I will take that as a compliment. You listened and I am touched. Really.

I am also surprised that you are unable to find a sympathetic person to cooperate in your business proposition. You seem to be a favorable business partner looking for the same. A very good friend of mine, P.T. Barnum, once said that a favorable business partner is born every minute.

Nonetheless, I am very willing to work with you and your ass ociates. However, I will require the following:

1.My share to be 60% of Mr. Patrick’s money, before costs. After all, I’m bringing the chicks.
2.A suite in La Siesta at Hann, Bel air, Cambérène, Parcelles Assainies.
3.Car and Driver. Both the real thing and a few editions of the magazine, waiting on the back of my shitter at the La Siesta.
4.The number and expiration date of your Visa card in order to reserve my airline flights (I will pay in cash upon getting to the airport).
5. A bank account and routing number to transfer some of my personal funds into your country to avoid the poor exchange rate found at the Dakar Airport.
6.Your personal telephone number. The number in your email is not in service.

PLEASE, I RESPECT CONFIDENTIALITY AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO RESPECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF THIS TRANSACTION.
I again await your urgent response to this message.

Yours sincerely,
Barrister Jeffery Dahmer
Forearm, Liver & Associates
123 Pirate’s Cove

The Pirate scams the scammers. But who will scam the scammer scammer?

Any Port in the Storm Archives

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