Worst Comic Book Movies
by Travis Gruber
If you've got a quarters worth of a brain then you've heard the expression "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD." Well I'm going to hire someone to start tattooing that on the foreheads of studio executives in order to make them think twice before they start looking into more comic book properties to develop into feature films. Sure comic book movies are popular but that doesn't mean you have to squirt one out every summer. Especially if you don't have an understanding of the source material.
What some studios are doing to comic book films would be tantamount to an executive studying figures and seeing that the move Philadelphia raked in a lot of cash, and then a few years later Titanic brought in buckets full of the green dollar, and based on that information deciding that the best way to make money would to be to make a film about a boat that has aids that sinks. After all if both an AIDS movie brought in money and a movie about a sinking ship brought in money, shouldn't blending the genres bring in even more money? Hell, why not try to capture every market and it can be an animated film from Disney?
Fortunately I don't really have to illustrate what shitty comic book movies might look like because the hollywood machine has churned out it's fair share in the last few years and, from what I've been reading on the interweb, plans to continue doing so until they run out of ideas. But that's okay because once they've strip-mined the comic book landscape we can start recycling TV shows from the 90s and beyond into feature length films. But I'm diverting my attention - probably on purpose - from the whole point of this article: The Shittiest Comic Book Movies ever made.
One of the greatest things about the Judge Dredd comics is that it truly was it's own environment with rules and order, social standards and guidelines. Judges aren't allowed to date other judges. Judge Dredd never takes his helmet off and, unlike every other comic; Judge Dredd takes place in real time so as the comic book goes on in years Judge Dredd ages accordingly. The comic has been running for thirty years now and Dredd has age 30 years. This movie broke almost every tenent set forth in the comics that made it great. The only redeeming quality was the killer robots which would have saved the movie had they killed Stallone.
V for Vendetta
and last but certainly not least
All of The Superman Movies
Superman flies home to his quaint apartment after having saved a bus load of nuns, or something equally as boring.
As he lands on the balcony he peaks in the window and sees four large ex-cons running a train on his ladyfare. But he stops short of killing them with his eye lasers because he sees a video camera, and a sound crew, and a man dressed like a leprechaun and he realizes that while he was out saving the world Lois was at home taking every last ounce of Cock that Metropolis had to offer.
Depressed Superman flies off unsure of how to live his life further. He changes into Clark Kent and stops at a local gun store to buy a pistol. Then he walks to a liquor store and buys three gallons of shitty cheap vodka.
He flies to the top of a skyscraper and chugs down all of the vodka, pulls the pistol out and puts it in his mouth.
He pulls the trigger but nothing happens 'cause he's Superman.
Alone, Drunk, Depressed, Lacking Love and unable to kill himself he moves to a seedy town in Guatemala and opens up an internet webcam site where he regularly performs acts that border between sex and a snuff film. Because he's invincible he has dubbed Thursdays to be "Thrusting Thursdays" and allows local members of the drug cartel to fuck him in the butt while they repeatedly try to stab him in the eyes with hyperdermic needles.
Sadly, Lois Lane's website - loislanelovesthecockineveryholeshecanfititin.net - becomes a new sensation on the interweb and she goes on to be the next Jenna Jameson. She has wealth, power, sex and fun and superman ends up coming back to the states to be the front man for a Fall Out Boy cover band called "Got My Dick Caught In My Zipper".
Even then I still wouldn't go see it because Superman is a douche bag.