It's Father's Day! Yay! Father's rule. Well, some of them. The ones who just want to watch the golf channel and eat at a crappy Chinese restaurant. They are cool. Or maybe that's just mine. But that doesn't matter.

This is a day to say thanks to someone who put up with you for years and years and years. Bailed you out of jail. Picked you up when your car broke down. Laughed at your stupid jokes. Tossed you out when you wouldn't listen to him. But always kept kept loving you. Sure his disappointing head shakes got smaller over the years, like he knew this shit was coming and just ducked his head down, but you always knew....he is your dad.

So today, Michele and I pay tribute to dads across the country. Thanks for taking care of your baby's momma. We love you and don't want to see you crying on the Maury Pauvich show asking for a paternity test. You took charge and became more then a man. You became "Dad."

Thank you to all the dads out there. This is your day. Have some fun and get some free food. Let someone else cook and just enjoy it. Hell, send your kids out to get you a Slurpee at 7-11 just for fun. Kick your heels up and watch bad TV.

Just remember. You shaped us. Without you. Nothing

So in honor of Father's Day we decided to write about the best fathers in TV and movie history. It's pretty obvious who I'm going with. It's pretty obvious who my better half is going with. That's just the way we work. You guys can see through us like a black fishnet stocking. We wear our feelings on our sleeve. This is the way it is. We don't hide much from you. Have fun. Tell us about your father or your favorite TV or movie father. Just have fun and remember...without him picking you up, you wouldn't be here. I love you dad. And no, I don't wanna play golf today. Have fun guys.

Charles Ingalls - Little House on the Prarie

Oh you knew it was coming. I watch the show all the time. It's referenced here all the time. I always talk about it. It's always in my stories. You knew it would show up. So don't be fucking surprised. Hey, the guy was a cool dude. He knew how to love his family and hitch up horses at the same time. He took care of all the kids while managing to have sex without the kids hearing.

You ever have quiet sex? It's a bitch. Yet he did it all the time. I wake the fucking neighbors up when I masturbate. So think about what he had to do. Bondage gear in the 1800's? Ball and gag?

He must have loved his family to do that.

I could see Nels as a good father but he was such a fucking pussy. I can't, in good conscience, say he was the best father on the show. He was to busy with Nellie to take care of Willy stealing candy. Hm. Not a good father. But who am I to say.

Oh yeah. I listen to punk rock while watching it. Kinda a mind fuck if you watch it naked. Weird, strange things happen to you while listening to bad punk while smoking a cigar and being totally naked while screaming at Willie to stop stealing candy at nine in the morning. See dude. Little House. Hardcore. Naked Little House. Hardcore, baby.

Hey dude. That's what I do.

But there was one father on there. Pure as the Arctic snow. Charles. Charles Ingalls.

Jesus christ this guy was perfect. He always had some gig in episodes. Something. Something happening with him. Something he was doing wrong. Usually about dames, but hey, dames? Who could figure them? But he always learned his lesson at the end. He put his family above everything else and always wanted nothing the best for them. But.........

That aside, he took care of his his family and seemed to have a lot of fun doing it. Work was hard and times were rough, but Charles put his family first. Asking where "half-pint" was at and wondering if some one was going blind. Always usuing simple conversation to talk people down. Just talk to them and let them get your point. Everything could be explained with a few calm words.

That was something I learned from my dad. If someone is screaming at you cause of your dog or someone just doesn't like you....calmly tell them that if they don't stop...

... you will kill them.

Well maybe Charles didn't teach me that.

But anyways, he was one of the coolest fathers on TV. He was a man who learned from his mistakes and stood up for his family. He was cool. He is the epitome of Father's Day.

Happy Father's Day to my father. A man of who took it all and kept going. The one man who stood by me no matter what happened. After all I put you through, you deserve this day.

And I got you some cool golf balls!

I love you dad.

You kick ass. - T

Darth Vader

On this father’s day I’d like to talk not about my own father, who’s a pretty nice guy and all, but about one of the most misunderstood fathers to ever exist. Well, exist fictionally.

On this Father’s Day I salute you, Darth Vader.

Misunderstood. That’s how I describe him. See, that whole scene in Empire where he tells Luke the deep, dark secret and then tries to get Luke to join him? That shit plays out across the world every day kids. Fathers trying to get sons to turn their backs on their college degrees or cool jobs to take over the family business. What’s so bad about that? So what that the family business here meant destroying civilizations. Business is business and family is family. These are the ties that bind. When your dad says, “I need you, son. I need your help or our family business will die off and then what will I do? Retire to Tatooine? Get a job as a valet in Cloud City?” You say “Ok dad.” Even if your father is kinda hideous looking and maybe spent most of his life blowing shit up and killing children and being just an arrogant prick, and even if your dad had the unfortunate experience of being portrayed by Hayden Christiansen and uttering lines like “Hold me like you did at the lake on Naboo,” you still need to remember that without his seed, you would not exist and for that, you owe him, buddy. You look him in his eyes and tell him, "Yes, dad. I will join you. I will help you." Lie to him if you have to. “Yea, dad, ok, I’ll take over. We’ll rule the world. Sure, dad. For Father’s Day I’ll buy you a new Death Star and a tie, ok? We’ll play golf on Corsucant. We’ll go skiing on Hoth. Yea, dad. We’ll rule.”

Look at what Vader did for his kid. Killed the Emperor. Destroyed his master just so his son could live. That’s love, man. Even though Luke was nothing like him and kind of a pussy and wouldn’t take over the family business when asked, Vader killed for him. Died for him. That’s a kick ass dad. He deserves more than just a tie.

So Happy Father’s Day to Darth Vader and Happy Father’s Day to my own dad, who has put up with more of my shit than he deserved and who still hovers over me like I’m ten years old but hey, that’s what fathers do. He’s a great dad. If he asked me to join him in building a Death Star and taking over the world, I would. But that’s just because I like blowing shit up. Plus, I kinda owe him. -M

Here's a little something extra for you that I made last year. It's a "figure out who the fictional dad is" thing.

click for bigger

Angry Samoans - My Old Man's a Fatso
Black Flag - Family Man
Descendents parents
Gwar - Pure As The Arctic Snow

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