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our favorite tv moments: sex, puberty and sex
by Michele Christopher
Tonight we have decided to write something about the greatest TV moments we have seen. Inspired by the jokes of Michele and some of you readers, we have decided some of the high points in pop culture that deserve to be remembered. So we here at FTTW will pay tribute to some things that we all remember. Sure, you all know I basically only watch two shows, so feel free to bag on me. Michele has a more defined taste. So we are both picking three things and basically giving an overview of why they are so important and why they made this country so great. Cause without crap TV, we wouldn't have punk rock. Don't ask me to explain that cause that is deep, man. Really deep.
I had a lot of shows to choose from here. I was raised on tv and, up until about four months ago, watched a ridiculous amount of television daily. So I had a plethora of tv shows to dig into. But then I thought, anyone could pick the best moments from Taxi or Barney Miller or even the Simpsons. I need to do something else. Knots Landing? Mr. Belvedere? Cop Rock? Leave it to Beaver? Yea, I watched all those shows. I don’t have very discerning tastes when it comes to entertainment. But when it comes down to it, I just want to have fun here. I don’t want to talk about the time Val and Abby had the threesome with Greg because there’s not enough eye rinse for that. Or did that even happen? Anyhow, I’ve decided to talk about my favorite moments from one of the greatest shows to ever grace your television set: The Brady Bunch.
2. Peter Grows Hair on his Balls
3. Broadway Joe
Mary Goes Blind
Or was it Laura? We never quite nailed that one down. A running argument between the two of us is who really went blind. All I know is someone went blind. Someone couldn't see anymore. One of those damn kids.
It's no big secret to any one of you regular readers that I am a big Little House fan. Because I write in the middle of the night, weird things come on. I'm asleep when all the cool shows come on, so basically all I get is Little House reruns and "24". And dude, talk about having a messed up head. Falling asleep to Jack Bauer shooting some Russians for stealing nerve gas then waking up to Willy stealing some candy will fuck with anyone's head. That sounds like some gay porno. "Willie and Jack Stealing Candy." Man, I think I have a career in gay porn scripting. "But Jack! I need more candy!" " Willy, you need to put that lube on cause we are running out of time!"
I think I need to get something to eat.
Anyways. Laura went blind! This was a great moment that started tons of jokes. Anytime anyone was having too much fun at someone elses expense you always had to look at them and ask them how they were having so much fun when there is a little blind girl running around. A confused look. "What?" Mary is blind! "I think you mean Laura, dude." Really. I thought it was Mary. Oh well. My head is still into Jack Bauer having anal sex with Willy.
The Final Episode
Ok. If you haven't got it by now, I like Little House. Bite me. I think it's a good show. There is always some kind of huge moral in the story that showed you that this was the right thing to do and the right way to live. NOT THIS ONE! So some rich investors bought up Walnut Grove. So we couldn't get it back. So we were all getting run out of town. Well screw this. I got some dynamite and I got some time. Let's blow this fucker so high that jesus will be wondering if he can get a piece of pie at "Nellie's". Great last epidode. Micheal Landon always had a thing for theatrics but this one out did them all. Show was being cancelled. Well that sucks. We have to clear the lot out. Well that really sucks. They are gonna start tearing things down next week but we have one last show to film. Well the hell with them! Let's blow this set up! Blind people and cripples and alcoholics and school teachers and orphans and pre teen pregnant women and trouble makers and good wholesome people all sat around and watched.
And they blew that fucker up.
Charles and Nellie
You all knew her and you all hated her. She was the one who would act smug when you fell down. She was the one who would laugh when you were down. She would put things in your way just to trip you up. She was hated by most. Feared by many. But known to all. But, there was something with her. Something about the way she skipped down the dirt road. Something about her sneer. Her laugh. Her talk. No one would ever think she was worth loving
But one man did.
Charles Ingalls found her one day when she was swimming in the local pond. He watched her. A growing feeling in his crotch. Putting his hands down his pants. Pulling out his Mighty Mormon Machine. With his penis in his hand, he stared at her. Knowing she had just turned 18. She was legal now. He slowly started rubbing his cock. She was 18 now. Drooling saliva out of the side of his mouth. He made a sound. She noticed him. She saw the look in his eyes and swam over to stare at him. Looking at him. Gazing at his penis. Pulling her naked body out of the water and walking over to him. The sun glistening off of her body as she touched his face. A look in her eyes that said "You need to stop milking cows and let me milk your penis." Her touching him like only a woman could. Charles taking her hand and leading her to blanket he had put down for his afternoon nap. Laying down in the summer heat. Getting on top of her. Telling her how he always found it kinky when she pushed "half pint" into the mud. He told her it always made him happy. He couldn't wait till she was alone. He was going to plow her wheat field. He tore off his pants and entered her. Making love til they both passed out. Sweat pouring down. Dripping off Charles' brow and running down the side of Nellie's breasts. On the bank of the pond, the two had become one. She was satisfied. And he was too.
Nellie became a woman that day.
Or maybe I'm remembering that episode wrong.
I watch this crap when I just wake up, so lemmie alone. - T