Tonight we have decided to write something about the greatest TV moments we have seen. Inspired by the jokes of Michele and some of you readers, we have decided some of the high points in pop culture that deserve to be remembered. So we here at FTTW will pay tribute to some things that we all remember. Sure, you all know I basically only watch two shows, so feel free to bag on me. Michele has a more defined taste. So we are both picking three things and basically giving an overview of why they are so important and why they made this country so great. Cause without crap TV, we wouldn't have punk rock. Don't ask me to explain that cause that is deep, man. Really deep.

Ready?

I had a lot of shows to choose from here. I was raised on tv and, up until about four months ago, watched a ridiculous amount of television daily. So I had a plethora of tv shows to dig into. But then I thought, anyone could pick the best moments from Taxi or Barney Miller or even the Simpsons. I need to do something else. Knots Landing? Mr. Belvedere? Cop Rock? Leave it to Beaver? Yea, I watched all those shows. I don’t have very discerning tastes when it comes to entertainment. But when it comes down to it, I just want to have fun here. I don’t want to talk about the time Val and Abby had the threesome with Greg because there’s not enough eye rinse for that. Or did that even happen? Anyhow, I’ve decided to talk about my favorite moments from one of the greatest shows to ever grace your television set: The Brady Bunch.

1. Greg Gets Groovy.
I tried to have a crush on Greg just because I thought I was supposed to have a crush on at least one Brady character. Everyone did. Bobby was too young, Peter was too much of a douche bag and I always thought Greg was just too much of a dork for me. I thought about crushing on Sam the Butcher or Mr. Brady, but I just couldn’t get a good fantasy scenario going on. But then Greg got his groove on. Dude showed up in a leather, fringed vest and a white boy fro saying things like groovy and right on, man and calling his parents by their first name. I think he had a black light in his room and some psychedelic posters and maybe he was hiding some weed in his underwear drawer. Didn’t Carol and Mike seem like the kind of parents who would smoke pot before they went to bed at night? And then do all kinds of kinky things in bed with Doritos and nacho dip? I bet if they found the nickel bag in Greg’s drawer he would say something cool like “I learned it from you, Carol and Mike! I learned it from you!” Anyhow, I kind of got a little crush on Greg after this. Not because he got all hippie cool on us, but because he was so earnest about it and so sure this was his road to popularity and when all his friends ditched him and his groovy plans I felt such pity, such sadness for him that I wanted to reach through the tv and hug him. Pity crush. Kind of like pity sex, without the mess. And then he decided to go on the camping trip with his family instead of staying home in his groovy room all alone. At least everything in Brady land worked out in the end. It always did.

2. Peter Grows Hair on his Balls
Well, he hits puberty. Everyone knows this episode. When it’s time to change, it’s time to rearrange....you know you sing that with the crack in the voice and all. Admit it. You love those Silver Platters. Wait, was that their name in that episode? Or was there another singing episode? It’s not really the song that’s so special here. It’s the fact that Peter was hitting puberty. I mean, they never used the word but you knew that was happening. So you stared at the tv thinking, man, Peter Brady is becoming a man. He’s probably got hair down there now. And has wet dreams. Maybe he uses deodorant now, too. I wonder if he’s gonna start shaving soon? I wonder what his wet dreams are about? Oh come on, you thought that, too. No? Really? Ok then. The best part of this episode is when Carol pretty much sums up the Brady philosophy by saying “Money and fame are very important things, but sometimes there are other things that are more important, like people." That broke the cheese meter, even for the Bradys. At least everything in Brady land worked out in the end. It always did.

3. Broadway Joe
Joe Namath. It’s got Joe Namath. It’s got lying and deceit, too. Ever notice those Brady kids do a lot of the lying and deceit thing? Sure, in the end they always learn a valuable lesson and karma bites them on the ass, but it just seems that an awful lot of episodes were built around the kids - and even the parents - behaving badly. But this episode. It had Joe Namath. I was like 11 years old and had this huge crush on him. HUGE. When I watched this in reruns years later I realized that it was pretty damn boring and showed too much of that twit Cindy. It would have been a lot cooler if Carol was the one who wrote the letter about dying and wanting to see Namath as a last wish and when he got there he’d say “I am her to fulfill your dying wish” thinking she wanted an autographed football when what she really wanted was her tits autographed. With his seed. That would have been a cool episode. But hey. It had Joe Namath! That was pretty cool. At least everything in Brady land worked out in the end. It always did. Problems solved and families saved in just under 30 minutes. - M

Ok. Now that Michele has done her tribute to a show which brought us the likes of Sam the Butcher and Cousin Oliver. I guess Cousin Oliver rocks now. Go figure. Wonder what band he is in? See, that's a gig I would never go to see. All I would do was mock him for being Bobby's bitch. I mean hell, man. If you gotta hold on to someone's shirt for cigarettes and protection, it might as well be Greg. At least he looks like he could do some damage. I'm getting off track, again. But, I get to do mine now! Yeah. Big surpise. It's Little House on the Prairie. Here are my three favorite episodes that taught you that in the matter of one hour, cripples could walk again, alcoholics could get cured and shoplifters would get a stern punishment for their misdeeds. If only they could play the lotto, life would be heaven. Maybe they did in one episode. Anyways, here are mine.

Mary Goes Blind

Or was it Laura? We never quite nailed that one down. A running argument between the two of us is who really went blind. All I know is someone went blind. Someone couldn't see anymore. One of those damn kids.

It's no big secret to any one of you regular readers that I am a big Little House fan. Because I write in the middle of the night, weird things come on. I'm asleep when all the cool shows come on, so basically all I get is Little House reruns and "24". And dude, talk about having a messed up head. Falling asleep to Jack Bauer shooting some Russians for stealing nerve gas then waking up to Willy stealing some candy will fuck with anyone's head. That sounds like some gay porno. "Willie and Jack Stealing Candy." Man, I think I have a career in gay porn scripting. "But Jack! I need more candy!" " Willy, you need to put that lube on cause we are running out of time!"

I think I need to get something to eat.

Anyways. Laura went blind! This was a great moment that started tons of jokes. Anytime anyone was having too much fun at someone elses expense you always had to look at them and ask them how they were having so much fun when there is a little blind girl running around. A confused look. "What?" Mary is blind! "I think you mean Laura, dude." Really. I thought it was Mary. Oh well. My head is still into Jack Bauer having anal sex with Willy.

The Final Episode

Ok. If you haven't got it by now, I like Little House. Bite me. I think it's a good show. There is always some kind of huge moral in the story that showed you that this was the right thing to do and the right way to live. NOT THIS ONE! So some rich investors bought up Walnut Grove. So we couldn't get it back. So we were all getting run out of town. Well screw this. I got some dynamite and I got some time. Let's blow this fucker so high that jesus will be wondering if he can get a piece of pie at "Nellie's". Great last epidode. Micheal Landon always had a thing for theatrics but this one out did them all. Show was being cancelled. Well that sucks. We have to clear the lot out. Well that really sucks. They are gonna start tearing things down next week but we have one last show to film. Well the hell with them! Let's blow this set up! Blind people and cripples and alcoholics and school teachers and orphans and pre teen pregnant women and trouble makers and good wholesome people all sat around and watched.

And they blew that fucker up.

Charles and Nellie

You all knew her and you all hated her. She was the one who would act smug when you fell down. She was the one who would laugh when you were down. She would put things in your way just to trip you up. She was hated by most. Feared by many. But known to all. But, there was something with her. Something about the way she skipped down the dirt road. Something about her sneer. Her laugh. Her talk. No one would ever think she was worth loving

But one man did.

Charles Ingalls found her one day when she was swimming in the local pond. He watched her. A growing feeling in his crotch. Putting his hands down his pants. Pulling out his Mighty Mormon Machine. With his penis in his hand, he stared at her. Knowing she had just turned 18. She was legal now. He slowly started rubbing his cock. She was 18 now. Drooling saliva out of the side of his mouth. He made a sound. She noticed him. She saw the look in his eyes and swam over to stare at him. Looking at him. Gazing at his penis. Pulling her naked body out of the water and walking over to him. The sun glistening off of her body as she touched his face. A look in her eyes that said "You need to stop milking cows and let me milk your penis." Her touching him like only a woman could. Charles taking her hand and leading her to blanket he had put down for his afternoon nap. Laying down in the summer heat. Getting on top of her. Telling her how he always found it kinky when she pushed "half pint" into the mud. He told her it always made him happy. He couldn't wait till she was alone. He was going to plow her wheat field. He tore off his pants and entered her. Making love til they both passed out. Sweat pouring down. Dripping off Charles' brow and running down the side of Nellie's breasts. On the bank of the pond, the two had become one. She was satisfied. And he was too.

Nellie became a woman that day.

Or maybe I'm remembering that episode wrong.

I watch this crap when I just wake up, so lemmie alone. - T

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