world cup: four heads and three balls
by Michele Christopher
World Cup kicks off today. Sure all the other sites are talking about how Germany this and fucking that. Michele and the turtle will focus on the different parts of the game today. The important parts of the game. Small things that you wouldn't really think matter, but the parts that make this game move. Things that make you drool and wonder why you have never felt your heart beat so fast while you weren't sober. Not drugs or sex or shows or car wrecks......
Vibrators, thongs and pinball!!!!
Welcome to World Cup. F.T.T.W. style......
Let's get this started right.....
I told you I would make the World Cup interesting to even those who don’t follow the sport and I am here now to fulfill that promise. How? Sex. Yea, that’s right. Sex and soccer. Err...football.
Listen, I don’t make this shit up for your entertainment. I don’t have to. It’s already out there. Witness this line of thongs:
World Cup thongs, ladies. Comes in Germany, Brazil and Italy. So be careful who you bed tonight, because if you put on one of these babies and you pick up some Brit in a bar, the scene when you start stripping for him could get real ugly. Hey, I don’t mean to put a damper on the sexuality here, but this is World Cup we are talking about. Most football fans would turn away a sure lay if the chick was wearing the wrong colors. It’s like a Crips/Blood thing, dude. No Crip worth his gang signs is gonna fuck a Blood chick, and no Brit is going to get into bed with a woman wearing a Brazilian flag on her pussy. Hey, if he’s drunk enough he might dry hump you and then go to confession in the morning. I’m just saying, buy the thongs at your own risk.
Anyhow, it’s not really the thongs that I want to focus on here. I found what is obviously ultimate way to bring sex and soccer together. I introduce to you, the Victory Vibe.
Let’s take a look at the specs here. It’s got four different heads, an insertable length of 3. 5 inches, takes 1AA battery and hey, it’s waterproof. The 1AA battery makes me think this thing might be great in theory, but not so great in practice. I kinda prefer something that takes a nuclear reactor to power. 1AA battery? I’m sure my finger can work harder than that in less time.
But I digress. We are supposed to be talking about World Cup here. Ok guys, I found a way for you to get your girl to watch the games with you. Simply buy this Victory Vibe. And then tell her that every time your team scores or the other team takes a penalty, she gets to turn the Victory Vibe on. But only like ten seconds each time. See, this will keep her interested in the game. She’ll be cheering for goals and for the whistle to sound in no time. Sure, she won’t really be paying attention the game, per se, but dude, you get to watch the game and get to watch her have an orgasm. Eventually. Unless it’s a scoreless tie with no penalties. Then you’re screwed. Or not.
And ladies, if your guy is watching too much World Cup and you want to tear him away from the tv, it’s pretty damn simple. Take the Victory Vibe, go to the bedroom and have fun with yourself. Just remember to yell out GOAAAAAAAAAAAL! It may not bring him running, but it will probably confuse the fuck out of him. -M
Girls and vibrators make me melt so I'm barely focused as I write. Something about the thought of a girl with a World Cup vibrator just does something to me. Like bees and honey. I have been melted. Kinda shuts me down. Cum and soccer and a girl I love. Oh yeah, like you could type after that. But, I must press on, mein readers, and continue to type. For this is what is what helps the Michele smile and the turtle laugh.
But dude. Chicks and vibrators. That's a hard act to follow.
So instead of telling a cool story, I'm gonna talk about something else.... Not vibrators. I have enough of them. Don't ask. Instead.... I'm going to talk about pinball!!! Specifically, one machine....
Yeah, it was a dumb mascot. Fucking happy dog that fucking belonged in a Hannah Barbera cartoon. But it was a cool game. You could trap the ball, stare at that fucking dog's eyes and hit it. Penalty shots and all that shit. Wait for the keeper to move then hit it. It was a cool game and mostly it was more about cool memories. You could nail the shit in there from the corner while a little goal keeper moved back and forth. Roll around and pretend like you really won the cup when all you were really doing was losing 50 cents.
It was always kinda sad to see this game in the end. When it was broken down. This was a part of your life. Something you saw live and now it was made into a cheap part of a forgotten past that was dying. Sad day when you saw these. Too much. Too fucking fast. It pushed too much and went too far.
Old bars would buy these things and the owners never knew what it did in the past. Didn't know what it meant. Something to just pass the time as a few lowly patrons looked and kept thinking "We could have won that year.."
The bartenders just accepted it as broken and forgotten. Put a beer on it and brush the cigarette ashes away. This was a game that was over. It knew it. The bartender knew it. The world knew it. It was over.
Great game that was forgotten after World Cup ended. Much like day old bread. Forgotten. Thrown away.
Enough about a stupid pinball machine.
Let's get back to Michele and vibrators! - T
What? Am I supposed to say something here? Sorry, I'm too busy contemplating what this erotic energy drink is made from.