This is World Cup time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of you find no interest in this. Sometimes we don't either. It's just what happens. We are really not interested in seeing two teams from countries that have no vowels in their names play. I mean really. I don't care about Gkdrflp v Wsxbzl. It all sounds like someone is trying to make us say it so we would be sent back to the 5th dimension and Superman could get us out of his way. Like we were doing anything that bad in the first place. But, anyways, thanks for sticking around for this segment of the site guys. We try not to focus on the game here but to just let ourselves go. Hope you enjoy today's edition of World Cup.

Before what could possibly be the last game for the USA in World Cup 2006, I decided to pay tribute to the one thing that matters the most in any game. Oh, and yes, I still have more World Cup stories and they will continue even if our shit ass team can't get out of the group and in doing so makes us all look like fools as a Nation.

Sorry. Kinda went off there.

I still haven't even got to USA v Brazil on July 4th, 1994 story. Or the Mexican v USA with a bunch of sombreros on the pitch with Mexicans crying story.

Jesus, USA. Gimmie some time here to get these out. Get out of the fucking group at least. This only comes around once every four years. I'm not a typing machine, for christ's sake. Try not to lose in the morning, please?

Went off again there. Sorry.

Anyways, this is about something that everyone knows and craves when they go to a stadium. This is something that after you find your seat, you want, nah, you need. Something like the last line of dope or that last space on the ground to sleep or that last change in your pocket.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic there. Sometimes I do that.

But this is about something bigger. Not about a game. About a need. Something huge. Something that no matter how much we all hated each other and went out of our way to mock each other, we still both needed. The only thing that bridged two nations together. Like a peace treaty waiting to be signed. It was just waiting for out signatures.

Hot dogs and beer! The greatest two things to ever grace a stadium! Sure I can only partake in half of that nowadays, but back then, everyone would bump into each other in line. Push someone out of the way. The buzz is wearing off and the tummy is a grumblin'. Kinda say a meek "Sorry" and then move right by. Not really meaning a damn thing you say til you could get that dog in your mouth. God, that sounds gay. But not really thinking till you could say..."Chili dog and a Bud, please." Then you could all look at each other and think, this isn't a peace treaty. This was like the Tet offensive in Vietnam. You bastards lied to us. There were no peppers on this chili dog. This war was still fucking on. Nothing was over till I got peppers. Nothing. Was. Over. Till I got peppers.

You think this was over? You needed more. This wasn't done by a long shot. You needed more and the battle was thick in the pit. Crap. Drink a little of the beer with one hand and unfold the hotdog paper with the other. Get ready for the final battle. Like fucking Normandy, this was the big part. Stand or fall. They are doing it. You had to do it. Time to fight. Welcome to one handed chili dog handling with a Bud cup in your mouth. Slurp back a little more beer and bite the plastic cup. Here we go.

The condiment truck!

Oh yeah. You needed jalepenos. You needed nacho cheese, You needed relish. You needed extra onions. You needed it all. But there was always a price to pay. No one is going to put that relish on for you. No one is going to strategically place those peppers on your dog. This is all you. And you were alone in your mission. You want them, you get them. Push people out of the way. Everyone wanted to do what you were doing. They all wanted in. But the fuck if they gonna hold your beer. This is like something they should have been teaching on "Sesame Street." How to hold a beer by your teeth while pushing angry people while still managing not spill any of the golden drink of the gods. I could see Bert doing it now. "Kids? Today we will learn how sometimes you need to be a little evil to get extra peppers. This is how you do it." And Ernie comes in with a hotdog in his hands, drunk off his ass, plastic cup in his his mouth muffling something about "Fuck you, move" or "I'm sorry. I didn't know that was your foot." Pushing Bert to the ground for extra cheese sauce.

Bert getting up to bitch about how his beer was spilled. Yelling about how Ernie ran him over without even bothering to say "Excuse me".

Teaching kids an important lesson.

Hot dogs are good.

And beer makes a man mean when he can't have the proper condiments. -T

I’m kinda glad World Cup only comes around every four years. Makes it much easier to get into it. I have this attention deficit thing going on with sports. It’s like I blew my load as a fan for the first 30 years or so of my life and now I’m all bored and distracted. Another Stanley Cup come and gone? Gee, wasn’t it just yesterday when the Islanders were a dynasty? Who is this Carolina team? What can I say, I got bored. I dumped sports. Hell, I haven’t even watched a Yankee game this season and, if you know me, that’s saying something.

But the World Cup, every four years. I can get excited. It comes and goes within a month’s time. I don’t have devote half my year to it. I don’t have to sit through a lifetime’s worth of meaningless games before we get to the good stuff. It’s all excitement, all action packed into one month. The NBA should take a lesson from this!

What would be even cooler about this tournament is if somehow they were able to take my favorite elements from other sports and combine them with soccer (football, whatever). Grand slams, slam dunks, end zone dances! Oh, who am I kidding. There’s only one thing I’m looking for here.

Old time hockey. Eddie Shore.

Yea, bench clearing brawls in World Cup. How cool would that be? Ever since they fucked with the rules in the NHL, the game has not been nearly as interesting. I miss the good old days when men were men and hockey players didn't wear helmets and if your team was playing the Flyers, you could expect at least one big, bloody fight. Ok, so I'm a barbarian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that I was raised to believe that a hockey game wasn't complete until someone got a game misconduct. If two or three or even four people got a misconduct, all the better. If gloves were dropped and the fight got so huge even the goalies were pummeling each other and the refs just kind of stood back and let it all happen? That's a hockey orgasm right there. Now imagine World Cup with something like that. I mean, these guys are wearing steel cleats. No padding. No protection. No helmets.

Fuck those pansy ass colored cards. What is this, Uno? Start settling scores the hockey way. Someone was tripped, shoved, manhandled? Fisticuffs! Yea! Let’s go! Fullbacks and wingers and strikers slamming into each other, arms flying, legs kicking like a Pantera concert broke out in the middle of the field. Ever been in a Pantera pit? Just sayin’. Add spiked cleats and athletic people to that mix and you’ve got yourself a.....what’s that word? Donnybrook? Brouhaha? BRAWL! Oh yea, here come the forwards and...what? What are they doing? My GOD! They are tearing down the goal....they are...hey! They have torn the netting off the cage and they are wrapping it around the goalie’s neck! This is out of order! You’re all out of order! Here comes Ogie Oglethorpe! Whistles being blown. Blood splattering. The sound of crunching bones and heads breaking. Punches thrown, maybe some vomit and lost teeth scattered on the pitch.

And the crowd goes wild! WILD! Listen to those chants! No more Ole! Ole! Ole! What are they saying? Potvin sucks? What? Is that an octopus on the field? Are they going into the stands.....?

And from here it devolves into a nasty mix of hooligans, police, flying beer cups and chants of Hat Trick! Hat Trick! And once they cleared the field of bodies and pieces of torn skin, they would resume the game with whatever players didn’t get thrown out and, just to keep the football purists happy, it would end in some pussy shootout.

What? You don’t think that would be exciting? Old time hockey meets English football? It’s the best of both worlds, kinda like hemaphroditic porn.

Hanson Brothers The Hockey Song
Vandals - Change the World With My Hockey Stick

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