World Cup - The Wizard Walks By
by Turtle Jones
The turtle is not happy about what happened yesterday. I'll go ahead and say it. We better get out of our fucking group. God dammit. One down isn't that big of a deal. But, meh. It doesn't make me happy. I know... It happens. But it's always kinda lame to wake up to your team getting smoked on the daily news. Purposely going back to sleep or not talking to anyone because you really don't wan't to know about what is happening in a game you can't see. Hey dude, I isolated and slept for this game. I napped for the USA! I did my god damn time. What the fuck happened there? Grrrrrrrrrr. Since I don't go to bars anymore, I can't really participate in the live shit. And you guys already know that I don't have cable. So grrrrrrrrr.....r.... *extra "r" cause this really pisses me off*
But there was something I saw in the highlights. Something that made me remember the older days of World Cup. Bodies on the ground and people who looked to be in indescribable pain. Like they just got their balls cut off. Like the pain was so bad, they needed a bullet to be put straight through their skull so they can die an honarable death. Something was really wrong with these guys. They were hurt. They were on the ground after a mean tackle. It seemed their life might end. You could see the anguish in their eyes. See their tears. Feel their pain.
Only one thing can save these pitiful mortals from shoving off their mortal coil. One thing. Only one thing. They needed it. And they needed it now.
This is stuff that made humans whole again. It brought life back into wounded warriors!!
Magic Spray! Gimmie some of that, god dammit!
If you don't know what I'm talking about, Magic Spray was a bottle of Magic Water that was brought out when a player was on the ground. As he sat and prayed that jesus would take him away for his injury and thinking he would never walk straight again, it was sprayed on by the team doctor. No. Not sprayed. Covered on. Just sprayed till it dripped off of his legs. The Magic Spray dripped in and dripped off. The Magic soaked into pores. The Magic was working. The player could stand! Magic Spray!
But you have to realize....Magic Spray is difficult to work with. Too much can kill you. You have to be careful with that stuff. Pure Magic. Uncut Magic. You have to be careful. Too much would turn his leg into a fucking toad or Velvetta Cheese or something weird like that. Those who worked with this amazing vial of power liquid should not be called "Team Doctors." With a spray this powerful they should be called Wizards! Keepers of the Spray! The Wizards who held the Magic Spray, which really kinda looked more like water....but we can discuss the details later.
"A man is hurt! A man is down! Call the Wizard and the Magic Spray! Summon the Wizard now!"
A little man with a cloak comes running out on the field clutching a little bottle full of something. Was that water? What was that?
No. It wasn't water. It was Magic. He had the Magic. He held it in his hands. His work will soon be done.
Knowing me it would probably end up like some lesbian bondage book with alot of whips and alot of Whopper Jr's...but I'm getting off track here.
The Magic Spray! Everyone on the team loved it. It meant that after 84 or so gruelling god damn minutes, someone took a dive so the rest of the team could breathe. Thank god someone took one for the team. I'm seeing stars, the fucking Wizard is waiting at the sidelines and it was only a matter of time before this happened. Cause he must be really hurt. Really. Rel...heyyyyyy...it's the Wizard! Can we stop talking about this now? The Wizard is out, god dammit. Someone really must be hurt. Really. I am serious. He must be hurt. He has no other motivations. Really. He's hurt.
This was the time the players all could rest.They could all sit down and ask themselves why the fuck they got into this sport. Maybe that job at dad's accounting firm wasn't such a bad idea anymore. Hey dude. Don't knock it. Accounting groupies can suck the life out of your cock while doing your taxes at the same time. Fuck H & R Block. They are H & R Suckmeoff. Different firm. But just as sexy. Accountant groupies. Asking someone if you are using the right tax form while asking them to use not as much teeth. That's golden. Pure gold. Getting your taxes done that is. For free. And the blowjob. Taxes for free. I mentioned the bowjob right? Ok. Thought I did. The free blowjob? I mentioned that, right? Blowjob.
Anyways, Looking at a player in pain thinking "please god, let him pull this off for a few more seconds, I can't fucking breathe, please stay down till I can catch my breath, please...oh fuck...here comes the Team Wizard...gotta get up. Fuck"
The Magic Spray was on and all the players collectively sighed as they put their hands in the ground and stood up. Knuckles in the pitch as the pushed themelves up. The injured player looking at his knee. Wow. It's ok again! Smile. Stand up. Dance around. Shaking his fucking leg like nothing had ever happened. Smiling and dancing around. A little shake and he was good to go!
All the while, in the back ,the other players stood and asked themselves "why couldn't he have rolled around for a
Magic Spray is an evil mistress. You never know when you go too far with it and someone is always gonna be pissed you didn't do enough of it.
The power of the Magic Spray.
Like with everything in life.
With great power comes great responsibilty.
That was the Magic Spray. -T
Black Sabbath - The Wizard