Car of the Night: Dodge Dart
by Michele Christopher
Cars! Cars! Cars! Those things that move you around. Make you look cool, or sad depending on what you are driving, but cars! They are low down, brown and proud. We have been kinda getting getting off track lately like a hooker who suddenly decided she doesn't like anal sex, but we are back! New underground stories will be back tomorrow. More Norway. More Pirates. More kids. More vodka. But for now, we needed to write about a car. We both thought about it and sat for a bit. Little did we know all we had to do was look up to our header to get our next idea.
This site was founded on the love of punk rock and cars. Cars have been left a little in the back since we started the best punk rock albums of each decade polls and I guess we all got caught up in the excitment. But, we have came back to our roots. Punk rock, anal sex with hookers, discussions with pimps about why "Cherry" doesn't like to walk up the backdoor anymore, getting bitch slapped by "Chocolate Slim" with the butt of a .38 revolver after complaining to him that "Cherry doesn't like it up the Mud Shoot anymore. I want my money back!" and cars! Well, maybe the prostitute thing was just me. And maybe it never happened.........um, cars! That whats we were talking about! And what better car to celebrate this Monday than a car that showed the begining and the end of all muscle cars:
The Doge Dart!
Dodge Dart Swinger - 1973
You hear “Dodge Dart” and you probably think “nuns drive those cars.” Yea, maybe later on they did. But not back then. Not in the late 60's and early 70's. Nuns did not drive the Dodge Dart Swinger. Well, if you knew a nun that drove a car like this, she must have been a pretty cool sister. Maybe she wore a mini skirt under her habit and smoked non filtered cigarettes and listened to Led Zeppelin. Well, mostly Stairway to Heaven. So she can feel like she’s staying on topic with her boss. As Jesus stares her down from the dashboard.
No, this wasn’t a nun’s car. This was too much for a woman of virtue. But me? I’m no woman of virtue. I’d drive this thing. Drive it right. Go out at 4am and cruise the highway and feel the power of the engine beneath me and the stars above me. Turn up the radio, stare down Jesus, lean back in the seat and get that needle up to 100 and then imagine I’m about to take off.
Once around the sun
Maybe I’ve got some fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror. Something on the radio with a lot of bass so I can feel it in my feet and legs as move the car down the highway. Something slow and heavy that will make me feel like gravity is pulling me down as I take my Dodge Swinger up. The dice move with the wind because the windows are all down. My hair blows around. Sparks fly from my cigarette.
Dodge Swinger, 1973.
*lyrics, music: Clutch - Spacegrass -M
1966 Dodge Dart
Let's stop fucking around. Let's get down to a true car that defined destruction, speed, stamina, and a bunch of kickass movies. This is the one that you think was rolling with the perfect family, the one with two and a half kids with the crappy TV watching highlights of the Vietnam war while the two and a half kids experimented with two and a half hits of LSD in the backseat. Wondering why Jesus was talking to them through their thumb. Jesus Thumb? But, if it was the Jesus Thumb, where are the other three disciples? I only count nine? Plus Jesus Thumb. Where did the others go? Their fingers resembling some sort of last supper while they just wondered who was missing. But it wasn't that type of car. This was the car of the apocolypse. The car that could make it anywhere.
I have no clue why this car looks so purely evil. Even this one brings back some memories. This is when the style started chaging. You couldn't watch war on TV like you can now. Back then seeing dead bodies was a shock that families watched over dinner and shook their heads as their world slowly slipped away. Every night watching a war on TV is like turning a page in a book for us now. Now we watch "24" and think of things like, "Man, Jack should've cut his eye out. Pussy." But back then, that shocked the shit out of the old people and the younger generation. Things were changing.These times they are a changing...god I hate Bob Dylan, but that's beside the point. turtle cam! turtle cam!*
This car was the pinnacle of the "welp, kiss this type of body off days cause I'm gonna have fun if Ho Chi Min is gonna be knocking at my door tomorrow." Cars changed as thoughts were changed. Things got meaner. The world got meaner. This car got meaner. When at one time it was just a family car it soon became the car of the end. I think I took to many psychology classes in college. But thats beside the point. The only thing you have to remember is this was Chucky Chuck Heston's, that's Charles to you, ride in Omega Man!
Chucky, fear of the dark, NRA, albino mutants, interacial sex, the end of the world and yes, yes my friends....the Dodge Dart. This movie had so much going for it, it almost screams to be remade in to a huge movie or a cheap porno filmed in a hotel. Either one I'd be happy with. As long as someone got laid in that car, I'd be happy. Sure I'd be happier if it was two lesbians experimenting for their first time, but that's just me. Any remake would be good as long as it had this car in it. Cause really dude. This was the end car. It meant so much to the movie. Sex, liquor, guns, and women. This was the car that got Charles to where he needed to go.
Or maybe that was a Buick Skylark.
Cool car anyways. And if someone steals my idea for an Omega Man Porn.
I will sue you. - T
By the way, the car on our header is a 1970 Dodge Dart. This particular one, actually.
We still are taking any suggestions about cars. Gmail us, please with what you want us to review. We won't be that brutal. We swear. Really.
*remember the other day when turtle said everytime he went off topic he would link to the turtle cam? and he might be naked? eating chili dogs? playing with legos? yea, he went off topic there. so you get the turtle cam treat. looks like some kind of watersport going on there.... -m