car of the day: I'm just here for the gasoline
by Turtle Jones
As we said earlier today, we will write on any topic you want us too. We actually kind of like it when you give us challenges in topics. We write all the time and like to push ourselves. Just don't send us anything weird like child porn ideas or asking us to explain how to make methampheatamine. I think there are laws about that so try to keep you suggestions down to cars and music and other stuff we do around here. We try to get these out as fast as possible, but as you can see from todays post, on the weekends we slow down and take things a little bit slower. But, if you really want to get something done, fuck up you email so turtle gets frustrated that he can't thank you, and you will probably get your suggestion done the same day. I'm not saying do it all the time, cause we can figure out pretty fast if you are fucking with us.
But remember. If you want us to do an idea, please have a working address and a sense of humor. So tonight is reader request night. We hope you smile.
Little more about how FTTW works. The more you know..
So let's get this going. Sunday night. Slow night. A gmail comes in. A car. A car from Australia! Yay! I wasn't doing anything today but watching TV and wondering when this heatwave will stop. Heatwave and Australia. I got it. Research the car. Cool. That's a cool car.
1972 Chrysler E49 Charger
How did this thing escape our country? Was it cause of the outback and you needed to get away fast from the kangaroos? Dammit. I'm upset. I can picture Crocodile Dundee crusing in one of these. Using the blood of a cactus to get extra horsepower. Squeezing the juices in to some kind of weird device that turns cactus juice in to extra power by infusing the gasoline with extra "cactus juice."
As you can probably tell, I'm kinda pissed I have never drove one of these. This is a car that you need four cups of coffee and a cigar in you before you drive. Hit the outback and run down some aborigines. Hell, a nation built of thieves and dingos can't be all that bad. And you have the car to tell the world you have the pulse on the life blood of society. Outback. Dingo in the car. Some guy name "Klidgo" screaming at you to let him off on the top of your hood as you keep accelerated faster and faster. "Klidgo" got in your way. Now "Klidgo" gets a ride. Or maybe he was named "Bob". Hell if I know.Things get shaky after too much coffee for me so I don't know. Him barely hanging on to the blower sticking out of the engine as he readies his spear to toss thru the windshield at you. Fast right turn. He is gone. Body flips off the car in the dust as he yells at you. Meh. He will still be at your kegger next week. Don't worry about him. He's ok. More coffee. Push the accelerator down. Light another cigar and pet the dingo. Let the speed force it's way into your lungs and laugh at the lame ass American counter-part. You had it. We didn't
This was it.
Plus "Bob" is bringing the steak to the next kegger.
And that's cool.
Cause he always brings the ladies. - T
Australia. Muscle cars. Fast cars. First thing I think of?
Hey. I’m a gamer. It’s what I do. Plus, I’ve been playing Crash Team Racing all day. The original one. On my old Playstation. Cause I’m old school like that. But then I switched to Crash Tag Team Racing. That sucks. I don’t want to go on these stupid quests. I want to drive.
Crash Bandicoot is a kick ass driver. And he gets to drive some real mean machines in CTR. Trikey, Yellow, Horde and Crikee. Those are his four cars. Don’t look at me like that, I had to look it up. I swear I didn’t know that. But he drives these cars, and in other games he drives motorcyles and jeeps and all kinds of stuff. Pretty cool for a bandicoot. Because bandicoots are supposed to be wild animals that eat worms. But Crash. He drives. And he doesn’t just drive, he races. He makes Jeff Gordon look like your god damn grandma driving a 1975 Pacer through a retirement village. And he doesn’t drive just any old muscle car. No, his cars are loaded. You can keep your hemis and blowers and what have you. Crash can blow motherfucking flames out the back of his car and turn you to a pile of ash. Man, that would come in handy on the Long Island Expressway.
Of course, I’m not just gonna sit here and talk about a video game character and his fake cars. I mean, I could. I could go on for hours. I’m a damn nerd like that. But I was researching Australian muscle cars and came across something that made me forget all about Dr. Neo Cortex and his evil plan to kill Crash and friends.
The Holden Monaro.
The Monaro was available in Australia from 69 to 79. They reintroduced it later, but that doesn’t matter. I like the old cars. Newer muscle cars tend to be too sleek. The older models from the 60s and 70s - and this goes for any muscle car - were all about grit and machismo and power.
That's an ad for, I believe, the 68 Monaro. I don't know why I'm fascinated with this picture. But I am. Little Red Riding hood. A picnic basket. A doggie. So she's going to grandma's house. And the big bad dingo pulls up next to her in a 68 Holden Monaro Coupe. Really, there's a dingo in the car. You just can't see him. But he's mean and hungry and smoking a Camel unfiltered and listening to Slayer. Wait, it's 1968. He's listening to hmm..Hendrix. Voodoo Chile. And he rolls down the window and asks Red if she wants a ride to Grandma's house. Because he's hungry. He figures he can get Red, Grandma, the dog and the fruit. Eat one, save the rest in his freezer for the winter. And this dingo is smart because he knows that hot chicks can't resist muscle cars. So he revs the engine a bit and ask her again. "Hey little girl, want a ride to Grandma's?" She looks at the car. Damn, that's a nice car, she thinks. She looks at the dingo. Looks at the car. Gets in. She needs to ride in this thing. Needs to feel the road under the wheels. The speed. The wind in her hair. She leaves the dog and the fruit and her and the dingo take off, the Monaro flying down the dirt road at an exhilarating speed.
You know, I have no idea where this is going. I just know it was going to end with a blood splattered car and someone saying to Grandma, "Maybe the dingo ate your baby!"
Well anyhow. It's a pretty hot looking car. Crash should drive one of those. - M
So as you can see, we take all of your ideas. Just email them to us and watch what we do. Cause without you, we would be alone. So keep them coming and thank you for reading FTTW.