Toys and a tick
by Turtle Jones

No, this post isn't about crabs in pubic hair. This is about what you have on your shelf that is cool. I know most of mine are pretty cool, but also kinda dorky. When we ask you about toys, we ask you which ones do think are the coolest. I have already told you about The Cheat, the plastic Jesus nitelite, and the Real Doll in my closet, but let's talk about the coolest one you have. The one that you dust off to look at every few days while people ask you why you are such a dork.

If any of you know anything about Michele, you know she is going to have way cooler toys then me. She wrote the book on cool toys. Cool toys, Michele be thy name.

I only have a few cause, well, I suck. But the ones I have are kinda neato.

So we are going to tell you ours.

We want you to tell us yours.

turtle goes first this morning.

I was sitting at home when I was given this toy.tick.jpg Fine. I'll admit it. I got drunk one night and did something on my leg. I still think it is cool, what I did that is, but it was something that you do when you drank too many beers and have a roomate with a tat gun. I think it still looks cool. Sometimes I regret it, but still, meh. It is a tribute to one of the greatest characters ever. I think. God, that sounds stupid. But at four in the morning, it was drilled on my......jeez. I'm just gonna stop now. I was drunk and I got it. Fuck, every day I thank god I don't have a Playboy Bunny on my ass or something like "Fun Hole" above my ass with an arrow pointing down. Wait. we are talking about toys here, right?

I don't know.

But the toy is cool. It talks! it's huge! It's one of those things that you keep! SPOON! Oh, this was cool. Sure, it's prolly worth a lot now, but it was cool to play with back then. Except we didn't play with it in the way you think we would. He had five different sayings. One was "Spoon!" A game was planned. How many times could you make him say spoon in a row. 12 inch doll being passed around. Tattoo gun in the background, pool being played. But it didn't matter. How many times could you make this fucker say "spoon" in a row.

tick_doll_1.jpgOne. Two. Three. Fuck!

I had three. My friend got up on it.

One. Two. Three. Four! How did he do that? Four! Dammit. He had won that night. The talking Tick had taken his side. Say that five times fast. I went to bed thinking I could have done better. Putting The Tick up beside my bed, The Tick's eyes lit up.

This wasn't over.

Not by a long shot - T

Michele is up next!

I collect toys. Action figures mostly, but other kinds of toys, too. Well, mostly Star Wars toys. Jesus, I’m such a nerd. So I have a lot to choose from here. It’s kind of hard to pick one that’s my favorite because I love all my children toys equally. But I do have a rotating schedule of toys that get to sit on top of my computer. They get about a week at a time. One comes down, another comes up. Last week it was a small Gir figure that came with my Invader Zim boxset. This week’s favorite child is:

sonicSonic the Hedgehog

I totally forgot I had this until I moved two years ago and found him sitting in the back of my son’s closet. I bought him at a garage sale when my son was barely four years old and had beat both Sonic and Sonic 2 in one day each. Video game prodigy, that kid. Maybe it’s not something most parents would be proud of, but I thought it was a major accomplishment so I bought him this huge Sonic figure as a reward. Hey, you reward your three year old for writing his name. I’ll reward mine for killing Dr. Robotnik.

Sonic got the honor of being on top of the monitor this week simply because I was playing the old Sonic games on the GameCube. Not the new fangled 3D games that drive me crazy. The old games. The scrollers. 2D. Sonic. Knuckles. Green Hill Zone. Casino Night. Oil Ocean. The Chemical Plant. How I hated that zone. Sonic and Knuckles. How cool was it to play as Knuckles and climb walls and fly?

See, Sonic is a cool dude. Just look at him. All pissy and shit.sonic strikes a pose 2 And he’s impatient, too. Kind of like me! He can be a bit lazy and he’s sometimes a little self absorbed, but he will never hesitate to put himself in danger just to save a friend. Like Tails. You gotta give Sonic some credit there. Tails is an annoying little fucker. He thinks he’s helping, but he just gets in the way and messes things up. If I were Sonic I would have dumped Tails somewhere in the Aquatic Ruins. But that’s just me.

And hey, his favorite food is chili dogs. Gotta love a guy who can fight injustice, protect his friends and fight off enemies while filled with chili dogs. -M

So that is our tribute to our favorite toys. I guess you can squeeze in guitars or bass amps here, but you know we will do those on another day. So you might as well tell us what's in your closet cause we already damn well most of you have He-Mans or Barbies in there.

Cause Barbie likes it dirty. And He Man has the power.

What do you have?

Update: I had to add this in. Poseable Spidey rules.

[click for bigger]


I've got toys strewn all over my house, from one end to another. I'd actually like to see about half of them go away and dissapear forever.

Want some? ;)


I have a foot tall Venom.


I have a foot tall poseable Spiderman.


I actually have a Sonic too, but a plush one I've had since I was too young to know. GOt like the same year or year after I got a genesis for christmas. MY favorite toy ever.

ANd I have a wind up invisible man I got from a walgreens last october. He's pretty bad ass too.


Mom threw a bunch of my stuff away a year or so after I moved out. For some reason she thought that it was all stuff I didn't want, as opposed to stuff I couldn't carry when I left (every record in the house too, because she figured we'd all moved onto CDs and didn't want them. That shit was traumatic).

The toys I use the most are my silly putty, etch a sketch, and my yo-yo. No legos though, that's a bit of an issue.


Not in the face!


It's Spider-Man WITH the hyphen, THANK YOU.

Knuckles rules.


Toys.... You want toys.... Christ, we have a ton of 'em.....My favorites, though, are much harder....

There's the gigantic Unicron that stands proudly over the rest of my giant robots, throwing horns with his flashing hands..... There's the complete collection of Cowboy Bebop figures (even an Ein)..... There's even a complete set of George Liquor pencil toppers I found used.....

But a long time ago, my Kitten gave me the Big O.... He's not a large as the rest of the robots but he more than makes up for it in the "Don't fuck with this" attitude department.... She looked high and low for the damn thing and when she finally gave it to me, she was so pleased with bad self.....

And she was right to be.....


BTW.... Turtle, I am so fucking envious of your Tick..... "Eating kittens is just.... wrong!"

Top five cartoons ever.....


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