Are There Divorce Lawyers In Heaven? by Wilhelm von Hans von Masterson von Stuttgart von Bob
by A Guest Author

The afterlife raises many questions... Will I go to Heaven or to Hell ? Where did my dogs go when they died ? Is this cloud climate controlled ? Who is Arthur Dent and why does he keep killing me ? However, this morning's guest writer takes it one step further and asks the age old question.... So, this morning, I'm proud to present Wilhelm von Hans von Masterson von Stuttgart von Bob...

I wonder, if my wife died, would I remarry? And if my wife died and I got remarried, would she be up in heaven watching me?

ghostbride.jpgDuring sex with my second wife, would my first wife be critical of my second wife? Would she be up in heaven shaking her head and saying, "Oh my, it looks like she could stand to lose a few pounds?" Would she slap her forehead when my second wife tried something new and say, "He never liked it when I tried that, honey, you better not…ooooooh…see…I told you so?" Would she come down to earth for some ghostly menage-a-trois and possess the body of my second wife, or, worse, would she have discovered in heaven that she was a lesbian and possess me during sex because she found my wife attractive?

And what about when everyone was dead? What if my second wife didn't make it to heaven and my first wife started nagging, saying that she knew that bitch was no good and what was I thinking marrying her in the first place and she's lucky she didn't make it up here because what I'd have done to her is far worse than anything they'll do to her
down there?

Or what if we all made it to heaven and I find out my first wife had remarried in heaven? I imagine the introductions would be a bit awkward, especially when some guy came up to us and hugged my second wife and introduced himself as her first husband when I didn't know she had been married before me and all five of us are so embarrassed that we'd stare down at our feet until the new guy's second wife walked over from a nearby cloud with her original husband and a guy she just had sex with on the side but then we'd all decide, hey, this is heaven, so we'd dream up a fabulous house and live together happily for awhile because my first wife's second husband's new girlfriend's boyfriend used to be a five-star chef in Paris and what with all the new people constantly moving in there'd never a problem finding enough people to get a soccer match going and boy howdy all this would be great until one night I'd sneak out of the bedroom where I slept with my second wife to go down to my newest girlfriend's room and as I was reaching for the doorknob the door would swing open and I'd run into my Uncle Pete sneaking out of her room backwards - who knew the old codger would make it to heaven - and I'd decide I've finally had enough and choose reincarnation and end up as a Mormon with four wives and twelve kids and we'd all die at once in a terrible bus crash that received national media attention and now the heaven house would be really full and I'd notice my oldest son start taking an interest in my first wife from a couple of lifetimes back.

Wilhelm von Hans von Masterson von Stuttgart von Bob

Pj Harvey and Bjork - Satisfaction


You didn't even get into the really freaky concepts of dead family members watching from heaven.

"Um, grandma, yeah, I know the thing with the three crack whores wasn't too cool, but at least I wore a condom."

I mean, the bible does say that there are freakier things in heaven and earth than our minds can imagine. Or something like that.


oh man, i never even considered that kind of stuff.

grandma, i swear the thing with the cock ring and the lollipop wasn't my idea.


Wait... You had a cock ring and a lollipop... and you didn't have a weasel ? How does that even work ?


thefinn i'd show you but you're married.


Leave you guys alone for a day and you're turning this into a porn site!

Weasels, eh? I'm interested in this scenario....


I'll send you and turtle a couple of schematics I've been working on... Let me know how it goes.... In order for it to work right, the weasel needs to be at eye level....


Well, anything has got to be better than the porcupine-meat cleaver fiasco.


Hmm, seems I'm incapable of love. I knew they were all lying.


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