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board games and bored nights by Turtle Jones
Board games! This week will end out in games. We are trying to wrap up the schedule of guest writers that we promised you on Monday (yes, I know what day it is) and kick it out to you. The schedule is almost full but anyone who still has yet to send us anything, please try to do it soon. Other people on here would like to know their spots and we can't finish it til we have yours. *Daily turtle rant done* Board games. These were the things you played when your power went out or you were trapped in some god forsaken place with nothing to do. Always a few pieces missing and always wanting to cheat. We all played them and some were cool while others, like Chutes and Ladders, were just straight from the devil's pocketbook. Who can't remember playing Operation on methamphetamine and wondering why that god damn light kept blinking on that little fuckers nose. Seems the fat man can't take much pain. But, we decided on three to do and we are really interested in ones we missed. Ready? turtle rolls the dice first. Life The best part about this game was cheating. That's all this game was about. Cheating. Spin the dial and look out the window. Yell "what's that!?" Then your friends gazing away as you became a heart surgeon. That's the way it works in real life. Gotta cheat to be ahead. Unless you get strapped down with kids. I always wondered if there should be new version of this game. Like a 2000 edition. Cause this 1950 shit don't cut it. You got a bad tattoo. Move back five spaces and get a Hep-C test. Cause that would be funny. Mousetrap Hm. A lot of parts here. Lose one part and the game is ruined. Maybe that's just me. But after you set this game up, you just wanted it to end. Just to see everything in progress as a final note that you lost. The other kids cheered as you watched the cage come down on your mouse and that god dammed diver jumped into the pool. Meh. At least there was no water in there. I hope he cracked his fucking head open. Hungry Hungry Hippos I call it a board game. Up in the air about this one. Although I've only played this with little kids, I have one thing to say to America. Stop giving your kids so much damn sugar. Man those little bastards could hit that plunger fast. It was like watching River Phoenix OD on cocaine. They plunged away for no apparent reason as I just watched and tried to get up to speed. These kids were beating me. But, I had an advantage. I was bigger. I took one of my hands and held the pink hippo's plunger down. That's one. Looked at the kid from across me and scowled. He slowed down. That's two. Looked at the kid next to me and threatened him with no eating McDonalds tonight if he didn't slow down. Three down. Sure. I am a bully. But my hippo wasn't hungry anymore. - T michele gets into trouble: Trouble
So that's our take on board games and bullies and hippos and hunger. Sometimes things need to be taken care of in order to win a game. Some alliegences needed to be formed. But, in the end we all had fun and maybe I gave some kids some nightmares, but really, I was going for McDonalds anyways. These are our favorite board games. What were yours?
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A lot of metal balls, too. This whole game looks like some sort of weird gay sex toy that was used for some bdsm action. "Oh no! The mouse is coming for my anus!"
Which Witch
Perfection
Stumble It!
Comments
aawww perfection used to make me wanna kill people.. tick tick tick... i KNOW MOTHERFUCKER, TICK! grrrrrr.
ok so
chutes and ladders
operation (same wanna kill people factor as perfection)
sorry
yahtzee
don't break the ice
simon (whatever where else would it fit?)
candyfuckingland mutherfuckers!
toss across (tic tac toe with square sand bags)
and who could forget colonel mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick...
Posted by: kali | August 17, 2006 7:06 PM
lawn darts.
that isn't really a game. more of like hurting your neighbors on purpose.
"My eye! My eye! You did that on purpose!"
Then the bastards made them illegal.
fucking pussies
Posted by: the turtle | August 17, 2006 7:11 PM
Yahtzee was a family tradition. I rule at that game.
Don't Break the Ice and Toss Across - both games ended up with pieces being used as projectiles.
Cootie was cool.
Posted by: Michele | August 17, 2006 7:16 PM
Our copy of Life is modernized. It has crap like, "Dot com stock options vest, collect $100,000."
It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.
Posted by: COD | August 17, 2006 7:16 PM
dude i saw a horrible lawn dart accident once at the trailer park where my grandparents lived.. oh wait... now i've said too much...
Posted by: kali | August 17, 2006 7:17 PM
COOTIES!!!! no way dude thanks...
Posted by: kali | August 17, 2006 7:17 PM
Effective December 19, 1988, all lawn darts are banned from sale in the United States. Lawn darts, used in an outdoor game, have been responsible for the deaths of 3 children.
three kids die and we lose this valuable game of teaching kids who their real friends are.
Darwin is crying
Posted by: the turtle | August 17, 2006 7:19 PM
It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.
They really don't make them like they used to. I bought a new Trouble game for my kids and was disappointed in the quality of the board and the pieces. Plus, the die wasn't wood. That wood die was cool.
Posted by: Michele | August 17, 2006 7:21 PM
have been responsible for the deaths of 3 children.
Darts don't kill people. People kill people!
Posted by: Michele | August 17, 2006 7:21 PM
It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.
well, to be fair, the old spinner was for shit too
Posted by: the turtle | August 17, 2006 7:22 PM
Darts don't kill people. People kill people!
another turtle lesson for you all.
never mock a kid with a lawn dart.
That's like telling a man with a shotgun you fucked his wife up the ass the night before
no good can come from that
Posted by: the turtle | August 17, 2006 7:24 PM
as you can see, the cootie i played looked a bit different. i also ate the eyes. that's neither here, nor there, though, so we won't get into that.
rainy days always meant tuna fish sandwiches, plain ruffles and monopoly. to this day, my mom's copy has greasy spots on most of the money from the chips, and my grubby little fingers. the rainy day monopoly ended when my dad left....
every family gathering, be it xmas, thanksgiving or whatever also meant board games. specifically trivial pursuit and scrabble. i was deemed too young for the cut-throat scrabble-fests, but allowed the simple joy of whooping ass at TP. my 8-9 year old self was eventually banned from playing by my grandmother, who insisted i had memorised the answers.
Posted by: dynamine | August 17, 2006 8:42 PM
Crossfire.
Table-top hockey with weak BB-Guns. Great game once you learned to put a bandaid on your trigger finger BEFORE you started playing because the blisters this game created were visious. I usually waited until my opponent had shot his wad, only shooting in defense and then took my time with well-aimed shots.
Posted by: Timmer | August 17, 2006 10:36 PM
Timmer just reminded me:
Knock Hockey ruled.
Posted by: Michele | August 17, 2006 10:38 PM
Table-top hockey. Loved that game until the rods got bent.
Table top football with the vibrating field. That game SUCKED! Messing with the little plastic prongs on the bottom to get the guys going where you wanted them to...just an insane waste of time.
Posted by: Timmer | August 17, 2006 10:39 PM
I don't think we ever actually played Mousetrap, we just built the thing to watch it do it's Whiley Coyote Acme Contraption impression.
Posted by: Timmer | August 17, 2006 10:41 PM
KNOCK HOCKEY did rule. And the sticks doubled as extra handguns when playing Hawaii Five Oh.
Posted by: Timmer | August 17, 2006 10:42 PM
Risk
We played alot in high school while getting stoned and drunk. Sometimes while tripping. That reminds me of playing chess while tripping on acid with a strobe light going on right next to us. The more I think of that little flashback, the more I wonder if it really happened.
Tripping, chess, and a strobe light? Hmmm...
Posted by: Chuck | August 17, 2006 11:41 PM
i was going to say chess on drugs too
wow
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 12:07 AM
Risk over several days. And Dungeon & Dragons plus several other RPGs.
Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge | August 18, 2006 4:46 AM
No one else played Scrabble? Man, family tradition in my house. Along with cribbage and Yahtzee.
Posted by: Cullen | August 18, 2006 6:10 AM
dude i'd have to be on drugs to play chess, or risk...
and fucking stratego...
what're you guys, like d&d or something?
Posted by: kali | August 18, 2006 9:34 AM
Hey, you need to back off the D&D.
Posted by: michele | August 18, 2006 10:02 AM
D&D people are cool
i always liked the people who packed in back rooms of comic book shops to play d&d and only came out to go to the shitter. Pale white faces who had never seen the sunlight or much less a girl. You could poke them and they would bleed. Steady diet on McDonalds, 27 sided dice and dragon fanatasies. Thier mumbles of something about a "dungeon master getting me" almost made it funny as I would steal their wallet.
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 10:14 AM
Today's version is the Magic: The Gathering people.
I stopped going to this one comic shop because it was always so crowded in the back with the magic people that I couldn't get to the longboxes to look through the back issues.
Sometimes they would have Yu Gi Oh games going on. The amount of adult males playing Yu Gi Oh made me weep for humanity.
Posted by: michele | August 18, 2006 10:18 AM
Yu Gi Oh is cool.
how can you not love it when Ash is saved by Pikachu?
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 10:22 AM
You are getting your saturday morning favorites mixe up babe.
Or maybe you did that on purpose.
Either way, Pickachu rules.
Posted by: michele | August 18, 2006 10:29 AM
i really hate pikachu and now I am really sorry i made that comment after seeing that gif
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 10:38 AM
You are such a liar.
I know you love pickachu.
And squirtle.
Posted by: michele | August 18, 2006 10:53 AM
well its cause squirtle is cool
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 11:01 AM
Bulbasaur!! Bulbasaur!!
Posted by: thefinn | August 18, 2006 11:13 AM
Charmander!
Posted by: Michele | August 18, 2006 11:55 AM
my guy rocks
Posted by: the turtle | August 18, 2006 12:03 PM
i married one of those D&D guys. And yeah he plays MTG too.
I loved Sorry, and Parcheesi, and my dad had a '30s edition of monopoly i loved with wood houses and pewter shoes and things.
Posted by: pril | August 18, 2006 12:24 PM
Your guy rocks, but he doesn't dance that well.....
Here...
I blame the short arms....
Posted by: thefinn | August 18, 2006 1:04 PM
dude. meowth rocks, you can't even say he doesn't.
also, my 2 yr. old just made me watch that video four times in a row. i think i know the words to the song now...
Posted by: dynamine | August 18, 2006 1:51 PM
Well I only know 1 good free anime site... it is [url=http://uranime.com/]http://uranime.com[/url][url=http://maple-story-hacks.com]/[/url]...
Do you know any other good free anime sites? I am not talking about youtube or bittorent sites..
Thanks in advance!
Posted by: animerules1x3 | December 18, 2006 11:01 PM
sleepywood.net owns all of you fags out there HAHAHAHAHAH FAGGOTS! OWNAGE!
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! FAGGOTS GO TO HELL FAGS
mesos.org is a SCAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted by: LordGeos | December 25, 2006 12:09 PM