board games and bored nights
by Turtle Jones

Board games! This week will end out in games. We are trying to wrap up the schedule of guest writers that we promised you on Monday (yes, I know what day it is) and kick it out to you. The schedule is almost full but anyone who still has yet to send us anything, please try to do it soon. Other people on here would like to know their spots and we can't finish it til we have yours.

*Daily turtle rant done*

Board games. These were the things you played when your power went out or you were trapped in some god forsaken place with nothing to do. Always a few pieces missing and always wanting to cheat. We all played them and some were cool while others, like Chutes and Ladders, were just straight from the devil's pocketbook. Who can't remember playing Operation on methamphetamine and wondering why that god damn light kept blinking on that little fuckers nose. Seems the fat man can't take much pain.

But, we decided on three to do and we are really interested in ones we missed.


turtle rolls the dice first.


The best part about this game was cheating. That's all this game was about. Cheating. Spin the dial and look out the window. Yell "what's that!?" Then your friends gazing away as you became a heart surgeon. That's the way it works in real life. Gotta cheat to be ahead. Unless you get strapped down with kids. I always wondered if there should be new version of this game. Like a 2000 edition. Cause this 1950 shit don't cut it.

You got a bad tattoo. Move back five spaces and get a Hep-C test.

Cause that would be funny.


Hm. A lot of parts here. Lose one part and the game is ruined. zmouset.jpgA lot of metal balls, too. This whole game looks like some sort of weird gay sex toy that was used for some bdsm action. "Oh no! The mouse is coming for my anus!"

Maybe that's just me.

But after you set this game up, you just wanted it to end. Just to see everything in progress as a final note that you lost. The other kids cheered as you watched the cage come down on your mouse and that god dammed diver jumped into the pool. Meh.

At least there was no water in there. I hope he cracked his fucking head open.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

I call it a board game. Up in the air about this one. Although I've only played this with little kids, I have one thing to say to America. Stop giving your kids so much damn sugar. Man those little bastards could hit that plunger fast. It was like watching River Phoenix OD on cocaine. They plunged away for no apparent reason as I just watched and tried to get up to speed. These kids were beating me. But, I had an advantage. I was bigger. I took one of my hands and held the pink hippo's plunger down. That's one. Looked at the kid from across me and scowled. He slowed down. That's two. Looked at the kid next to me and threatened him with no eating McDonalds tonight if he didn't slow down. Three down.

Sure. I am a bully.

But my hippo wasn't hungry anymore. - T

michele gets into trouble:

That damn popping sound. Hated it, but was addicted to the game. I took no prisoners here. I went out of the way to land on your guy and send you back home and then I’d point at you and laugh. I was about ten years old when we were sitting around playing with the whole family. I couldn’t get out of the home slot. Needed a six. Pop. Pop. Pop. Kept getting 1s. Pop. 1. I yell WHY CAN’T I GET A FUCKING SIX? Mom chooses to ignore that. Pop. 6. I’ll be damned. It worked. My three year old sister goes next. Holds her hand over the popper. GIMME FUCKING SIX! I spent the rest of my night in my room, banned from Trouble. I could hear the popping going on for hours and my little sister saying FUCKING SIX over and over. And my mother muttering “I’m going to kill her.”

witch.jpgWhich Witch
What is the deal with these complicated set ups? Who the hell wants to play a game that takes six hours to put together? By the time I got the last of the walls up, the first two would collapse. Fuck it. Who needs this game anyhow? Who cares which damn witch is which? I just took the little plastic kids and the little plastic mice and some red food dye and I brought them into the bathroom and played “Let’s pretend the kids got eaten by mice and are now drowning in a pool of their own blood.” Hey, it’s better than when I found my son playing Bobbing for Barbie Heads.

Maybe I just hated games. Because this one drove me crazy, too. Hearing that timer wind down. Faster, faster. You knew that buzz was coming and the board would pop up and the pieces would go flying. I had to do it. Had to beat the clock. Get those pieces in. This is like a freaking IQ test. How many different ways can a parallelogram face anyhow? Fuck you. You are fitting in that hole. Get in there. I am not going to lose. God damn it. Get in there. Time is running down. My heart races, my hands shake, I panic and try to put the square peg in the round hole and shit just blows up everywhere. That’s pretty much the story of my life. I hate this game. -M

So that's our take on board games and bullies and hippos and hunger. Sometimes things need to be taken care of in order to win a game. Some alliegences needed to be formed. But, in the end we all had fun and maybe I gave some kids some nightmares, but really, I was going for McDonalds anyways.

These are our favorite board games.

What were yours?


aawww perfection used to make me wanna kill people.. tick tick tick... i KNOW MOTHERFUCKER, TICK! grrrrrr.

ok so
chutes and ladders
operation (same wanna kill people factor as perfection)
don't break the ice
simon (whatever where else would it fit?)
candyfuckingland mutherfuckers!
toss across (tic tac toe with square sand bags)
and who could forget colonel mustard in the kitchen with the candlestick...


lawn darts.

that isn't really a game. more of like hurting your neighbors on purpose.

"My eye! My eye! You did that on purpose!"

Then the bastards made them illegal.

fucking pussies


Yahtzee was a family tradition. I rule at that game.

Don't Break the Ice and Toss Across - both games ended up with pieces being used as projectiles.

Cootie was cool.


Our copy of Life is modernized. It has crap like, "Dot com stock options vest, collect $100,000."

It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.


dude i saw a horrible lawn dart accident once at the trailer park where my grandparents lived.. oh wait... now i've said too much...


COOTIES!!!! no way dude thanks...


Effective December 19, 1988, all lawn darts are banned from sale in the United States. Lawn darts, used in an outdoor game, have been responsible for the deaths of 3 children.

three kids die and we lose this valuable game of teaching kids who their real friends are.

Darwin is crying


It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.

They really don't make them like they used to. I bought a new Trouble game for my kids and was disappointed in the quality of the board and the pieces. Plus, the die wasn't wood. That wood die was cool.


have been responsible for the deaths of 3 children.

Darts don't kill people. People kill people!


It also has a pitifully cheap board that has to be assembled for every game, and a worthless spinner.

well, to be fair, the old spinner was for shit too


Darts don't kill people. People kill people!

another turtle lesson for you all.

never mock a kid with a lawn dart.

That's like telling a man with a shotgun you fucked his wife up the ass the night before

no good can come from that


as you can see, the cootie i played looked a bit different. i also ate the eyes. that's neither here, nor there, though, so we won't get into that.

rainy days always meant tuna fish sandwiches, plain ruffles and monopoly. to this day, my mom's copy has greasy spots on most of the money from the chips, and my grubby little fingers. the rainy day monopoly ended when my dad left....

every family gathering, be it xmas, thanksgiving or whatever also meant board games. specifically trivial pursuit and scrabble. i was deemed too young for the cut-throat scrabble-fests, but allowed the simple joy of whooping ass at TP. my 8-9 year old self was eventually banned from playing by my grandmother, who insisted i had memorised the answers.



Table-top hockey with weak BB-Guns. Great game once you learned to put a bandaid on your trigger finger BEFORE you started playing because the blisters this game created were visious. I usually waited until my opponent had shot his wad, only shooting in defense and then took my time with well-aimed shots.


Timmer just reminded me:

Knock Hockey ruled.


Table-top hockey. Loved that game until the rods got bent.

Table top football with the vibrating field. That game SUCKED! Messing with the little plastic prongs on the bottom to get the guys going where you wanted them to...just an insane waste of time.


I don't think we ever actually played Mousetrap, we just built the thing to watch it do it's Whiley Coyote Acme Contraption impression.


KNOCK HOCKEY did rule. And the sticks doubled as extra handguns when playing Hawaii Five Oh.



We played alot in high school while getting stoned and drunk. Sometimes while tripping. That reminds me of playing chess while tripping on acid with a strobe light going on right next to us. The more I think of that little flashback, the more I wonder if it really happened.

Tripping, chess, and a strobe light? Hmmm...


i was going to say chess on drugs too



Risk over several days. And Dungeon & Dragons plus several other RPGs.


No one else played Scrabble? Man, family tradition in my house. Along with cribbage and Yahtzee.


dude i'd have to be on drugs to play chess, or risk...

and fucking stratego...

what're you guys, like d&d or something?


Hey, you need to back off the D&D.


D&D people are cool

i always liked the people who packed in back rooms of comic book shops to play d&d and only came out to go to the shitter. Pale white faces who had never seen the sunlight or much less a girl. You could poke them and they would bleed. Steady diet on McDonalds, 27 sided dice and dragon fanatasies. Thier mumbles of something about a "dungeon master getting me" almost made it funny as I would steal their wallet.


Today's version is the Magic: The Gathering people.

I stopped going to this one comic shop because it was always so crowded in the back with the magic people that I couldn't get to the longboxes to look through the back issues.

Sometimes they would have Yu Gi Oh games going on. The amount of adult males playing Yu Gi Oh made me weep for humanity.


Yu Gi Oh is cool.

how can you not love it when Ash is saved by Pikachu?


You are getting your saturday morning favorites mixe up babe.

Or maybe you did that on purpose.

Either way, Pickachu rules.


i really hate pikachu and now I am really sorry i made that comment after seeing that gif


You are such a liar.

I know you love pickachu.

And squirtle.


well its cause squirtle is cool


Bulbasaur!! Bulbasaur!!




my guy rocks


i married one of those D&D guys. And yeah he plays MTG too.

I loved Sorry, and Parcheesi, and my dad had a '30s edition of monopoly i loved with wood houses and pewter shoes and things.


Your guy rocks, but he doesn't dance that well.....


I blame the short arms....


dude. meowth rocks, you can't even say he doesn't.

also, my 2 yr. old just made me watch that video four times in a row. i think i know the words to the song now...


Well I only know 1 good free anime site... it is [url=][/url][url=]/[/url]...
Do you know any other good free anime sites? I am not talking about youtube or bittorent sites..
Thanks in advance!

-------------- owns all of you fags out there HAHAHAHAHAH FAGGOTS! OWNAGE!
MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH! FAGGOTS GO TO HELL FAGS is a SCAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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