by Turtle Jones
I was scrolling through my media guide to see what cheesy movies were on today. Because Saturday is always cheesy movie day on cable. You get killer animals, b-grade horror and disastrous sequels. It was seeing Batman and Robin listed in the guide (just writing the title out makes me shudder) that got me thinking. What are some of the worst sequels ever made? This is a pool of titles so deep that you could drown in it. Superman III. Neverending Story II. Rocky 5. Land Before Time 1,478. Jesus, didn't Ducky and gang keel over yet? Are they gonna run that series until extinction takes place? Land Before Time, the Final Chapter: Everyone Dies. Anyhow, we came up with what we think were the worst sequels. Movies that followed up what were pretty decent films with suckfests that made us weep for humanity.
Michele gives you this horror:
Oh, there were so many places I could have gone here. Sequels are always gonna be suspect. More have gone horribly wrong than right. Batman and Robin. Godfather III. Teen Wolf Too. Every sequel has the potential to be Breakin 2, Electric Bugaloo. No, that’s not a good thing. But of all the movies I could have chosen, one stands out in my mind above the rest. One that gets my vote as the Best Worst Movie Ever. One that has such a cult following there is a public screening with a Q&A from the actors being held next week.
Picking Troll 2 as the worst sequel is admitting that I kind of liked the first. Well, I did. It was campy and cheesy and poorly written, but it had such appeal. June Lockhart. Julia Louis Dreyfus. Sony Bono! It was a fun movie, the kind you wind down with on Halloween night after watching a bunch of movies that would have you sleeping with the lights on. But this sequel. Dude. It didn’t even have trolls. Troll 2. No trolls.
You know pretty quick into this movie that things are going to be bad. There's this moronic, semi-retarded family and they are going to vacation in a town called Nilbog.
The town. Nilbog. NILBOG.
Ok, if you don’t get it due to the subtle brilliance (watch that sarcasm meter!) of whoever thought that up, the father of this insipid family says to someone on the phone: "Nilbog...You spell it N-I-L-B-O-G."
Like I said. Semi retarded.
So, we’ve got a troll movie with goblins and no trolls and no discernable connection to the first film. And not even a single B list celebrity to make fun of. And no plot. None at all. Just some random shit happening that’s supposed to make sense but leaves you wondering if you went into a stupidity coma and missed part of the movie.
But what we do have is urination! After the ghost of Josh’s grandpa tells him the food the family is about to eat will turn them into goblin food, Josh takes matters into his own hands. Literally. He whips out his dick and pisses on the dinner. Oh yea. That went over big at the family table. I mean, I’ve seen this happen before but I usually just have to say something like, "No grandpa. Pull your pants back up, grandpa. You are not in the urinal at Yankee Stadium." Josh’s dad isn’t so patient. He gets pissed, so to speak and shows Josh a letter from the owners of the house. And says the cheesiest line ever recorded in film history:
Do you know what it means? Hospitality! And you can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!"
I remember seeing this for the first time. I just sort of stared. Blinked. Questioned myself. Ok, Michele, you haven’t done drugs in a long time. You haven’t been drinking. I think he really just said that.
And that’s pretty much how the whole movie goes. You sit there wondering if all the acid you did back in the day is playing havoc with your mind because there is no way this dialogue could really be happening.
“They're eating my mommy!”
Oh god. Just eat him already. Please, for the love of god, eat the whole fucking stupid family because they really don’t deserve to be alive. I was rooting for the goblins. I wanted them to take over the house, the town and the birthplace of whereverthehell the director of this movie was from. Somewhere in Italy. I wanted to go back in time and keep this guy from ever being born. I mean, this dude makes Uwe Boll look like Martin Fucking Scorcese.
This movie just should not exist. Yet, I watched the whole thing. More than once. I’ve studied it. I’ve re examined it. And yet I cannot fathom how something like this ends up playing in your local movie theater on a Saturday afternoon. You know those magnetic poetry things? There must be something out there called Magnetic Cliche Characters. Whoever wrote this movie just picked out some magnets, threw them against the fridge and made characters built solely on the cliches that stuck. And then he went into some bumfuck town and said something like “eight bucks and a candy bar to anyone who wants to act in my movie!” A few Snickers bars and a credit card transaction later and Troll 2 was rolling.
I don’t know what else to say about this movie. It’s not even bad in a Plan 9 From Outer Space way. It’s beyond that. But. You have to see it. Yes, it’s horrible on every single level. But you need to witness the outright horridness of it all. You need to see all the mistakes and continuity problems and make-up disasters. You need to see this just so you can know that bad exists on levels you never dreamed of. Beyond Baby Geniuses or Leonard Part 6 or even Kazaam, which I thought was the worst movie in existence until I laid my eyes on the green jello goblins of Troll 2.
Bologna fucking sandwiches.
Yep, I just gave you spoilers without a warning. Please. If you've got an IQ above "Paris Hilton" you will know everything that's gonna happen about twenty minutes before the characters in the movie do. Or, if you're lucky, your brain will shut itself down about five minutes into the film and the bologna sandwiches won't even matter.
Oh, toward the end of the movie, the piss-happy Joshua finally gets it.
Nilbog! It's goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!
Ya think? -M
I'm going to be honest here. I fucking hate reading reviews. I really hate it. I think it is a stupid waste of time that only takes me away from my daily hygiene routine. And when I say "daily hygiene routine", I mean, "light a cigar". We are a "story site and not a what did you think about the new teen movie" site.
But, it is Saturday and really in my heart, I know some of you have some very strong ideas and opinions on this subject.
So let's get over that and move on. The best movie that was ruined by the worst sequel?
Sex, drugs, money, golfing. Bushwood and the best roles every played.
Gambling is illegal at Bushwood sir, and I never slice.
Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh?
Oh, it looks good on you though.
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.
Be the ball Danny. Be the ball.You aren't being the ball, Danny.
It's hard when you're talking like that.
Perfect lines. So many stories going on. Perfect movie.
What a great cast and a great line up. The story line was perfect and so were the actors. Everything in that movie was perfect. Naked lady tees and shitting in the pool. Caddie day in the rec park. Even the little gopher was funny. This was a joy to watch and one of my favorite movies of all time.
A simple story about wanting it all, getting it all then not wanting it all anymore.
Then realizing that what all you wanted was always in front of your face.
All you had to do was look.
Ug. A storyline that tried to take the first sweet story about innocence, lost innocence, deception and honesty and tried to make a bible out of it. I don't even want to make any quotes on this one. Jackie Mason took some rich people and tried to make them "real" people. Jesus. This was bad. Dan Ackroid (and no, he doesn't deserve one minute of my time to look up how his name is really spelled) went to hell in this movie. This showed me that John Belushi was the brains behind his whole career. He demolished this role like a fat kid eats a pack of juju bees. What the hell was I watching? Where was everyone? Bill Murray’s role was replaced by him? Rodney Dangerfield's role was replaced by him? Even the gopher was all animatronics? What the hell was going on here?
The only saving grace of this whole fucking amazing injustice to movies was Randy Quaid. Face it. His bit parts in movies save them from the Black Death of movies. Going straight to video. He saves them. He kept this ship from sinking by an inch but you could tell, half the actors had already drowned by the time this ship had hit the mighty sea.
Golf, golf... what kinda name is "golf" anyway? Sounds like a sound you make when you've got something caught in your throat.
Not even the mighty Quaid could save this movie. - T
RIP Rodney Dangerfieled
So that is our take on these movies. But, we wanna know yours.
Which ones do you think had such a great outbreak then failed so, so bad the next time they raced out of the doors. Something that you felt so good about hearing about, then felt so bad about when you watched it.
And don't tell us Friday the 13th part 3, cause hell, I was even disappointed in the 3-D galsses they handed out before the movie started.
What were your most disappointing sequels?