It's Not a Bug, It's a Feature
by Turtle Jones


Everyone has them. We all have weird personal rules and regulations that must be followed. Things about us that people look at us and say "WTF? Why the hell do you have count the stairs all the time? Why can't you step on the sidewalk crack? How come you have to sit in the aisle seat all the time?" You know you've got them. Strange little habits. Odd aversions. The little things that make you tick, but make others look at you kinda strange like. Here's ours.

Michele sits in the chair

More than one person has said to me “I need a rule book to keep up with your quirks.” I’ve got so many of them that sometimes I wonder what’s normal about me.

You might not want to go out to eat with me. Because when we get seated I have to do this ritual. Oh, first. I have to sit in a booth, or at a table that’s up against a wall or window. I can’t sit at a regular table that’s just placed in the middle of the restaurant floor. Too open. Can’t eat like that. I’m uncomfortable and twitchy and nervous, like Steve Irwin in a....nevermind. I just don't like sitting there like a wide open target. Like zombies are gonna invade the restaurant and start picking out dinner. Or I'm going to get caught in some Don Corleone crossfire. god.bmpAt Chili's. Mexican Mafia. So it’s huddled in a booth or secure against a wall. But. That’s not enough. I have to stand there for five minutes determining which side of the booth I want to sit in. Or which chair against the wall/window I want to sit in. I’ll choose one. Sit down. If it doesn’t feel right I’ll get up and ask you to change seats with me. It's like musical chairs. Without the music or the ending where the little girl in the pigtails and party dress is pointed at and laughed at because there's no chair for her. Anyhow, as I was saying. It’s what I do. My friends and family are kind of used to it. “Ok, let’s let Michele choose her place before we even attempt to sit down.” Then they all stare at me, just waiting. Sometimes I drag it out, just to watch them squirm while the hostess shoots us all an annoyed look. Is that a quirk? Or just being an asshole?

I have a seating quirk in the movie theater, too. I have to sit in the last four rows or so. Middle section (if there are three sections). Aisle seat. I have to have that aisle seat. Because you never know when a fire will break out. Or a stampede will occur. Or zombies will bash down the back door of the theater and we have to make a run for it. Or maybe I’ll just have to pee. Because I always have to pee. I have the world’s smallest bladder. Every half hour or so, I’m in the bathroom. Though I don’t know if that’s a quirk or a malfunction.

I hoard food. Kind of. I go to those big warehouse type grocery places and buy things I don’t need in bulk. I have two cases of chicken broth in my closet. Because god forbid there’s ever a chicken broth shortage, I will be a fucking hero in my hometown. I will never run out of toilet paper, tissues or tampons. calvin-burp.jpgI get a sense of security knowing that I have an economy size case of Apples and Cinnamon oatmeal in my closet. When the zombie Armageddon comes and everyone else is scrounging around for food and supplies, I’m gonna be eating healthy and building a fort out of tampons.

My biggest quirk? I can’t burp. Just can’t do it. I think the last burp I let out was in 1963 when my mother forced it out of me with a back slap. My sisters have tried to teach me the art of burping. No bueno. Can not do it. I can fart the fucking Canadian National Anthem at you, but I can’t burp.

What? Girls fart?

Oh, yea. My farts smell like roses. And I shit rainbows.

But those aren’t quirks so much as features. -M

turtle gets weird on you

So basically the question is why I am weird?

That's kinda like asking a blind man why he can't see. Jesus, I have tons. I mean, there are things about me that only a few people know, but what do I do? I have a few. I could talk for hours about how I am colorblind, but that just gets old. Don't ask me why I see things different than you. Don't ask me why I can say something is blue while you ask me "I thought you were colorblind?" colorblind.jpg Maybe that's more of a pet peeve. Just remember, I can't see what you see, but I see what you can't. Even trying to make a rational explanation of that kinda gives me a headache. That's what the internet is for. Look it up yourself. Just remember; I see things in black and white. So don't fucking hand me a pic and ask me what I see. I really fucking hate that. I feel like I am a piñata at some Mexican kids birthday party.

Let's not even go into my hearing.

But actual quirks?

In can tell you easy ones, like when I get up in the morning, I fire a cigar and hit the stereo and sit in a groggy haze. Sit back and wonder where I am. Sometimes with my shoes still on. After all these years, sometimes that still comes back to me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I passed out the night before. I was just too damn tired to take them off. Sometimes I'm up late working on things and from where I see it, just taking my clothes off is good enough. Wait, why was I wearing clothes again? Why was I wearing shoes? I must have done something last night. I mean really, two days ago I answered the door naked to a bunch of Mormons and asked them in to talk about their ideas, so you can see, I don't like clothes. I must have wanted some M&M's or something. The basic rule around my house is to follow the roach the nearest piece of candy on the floor. That's when the Sherlock Holmes comes out.

Oh. I guess I went for a Butterfinger last night.

Follow the roaches. They are my Dr Watson.

The hell was I at?


The big quirk I always have to go with is food. It one of those things that I never got why it is so instilled in me, but it is. water.jpgMaybe it was from my dad. You see someone who came from nothing and you hear it everyday, maybe that's why it stuck with me. I eat anything. I might not like it, but I do. It just happens to be something I do. If someone took the time to make you food, you eat it. You don't take more than you can eat. You always thank whoever made it for you. That is one of my hardest rules. If someone does something for you, totally unasked for, you show him or her the respect of eating it. Fuck, they went out of their way to do this for you. You don't fuck them off. If you do, I get kinda pissed. Dude, they didn't have to make you food. They could have just let you have dry heaves the entire night while you are trying to get cups of water in you to stop throwing up bile. So dude, you better fucking appreciate what they did for you. And don't think picking at what you took works. Just eating a bite or two. No bueno. You grabbed it. You eat it. You take what you can eat. You leave the rest for others. That's the way it goes around me.

Or else, here's a glass of water. See if that will stop your stomach from hurting.

And try to keep the bile in the toilet. - T

So those are just a few of our quirks. Everyone has them. Just things you have to ask yourself "Why?"

But they happen and you know what? They make you who you are. They are part of you and they will never leave you until the end. Get used to them and get over them.

We have them.

So do you.

What are yours?


Phht. Where do I begin? Here's one. I have a tendency to become completely fixated on some things to the point were I CAN NOT let it go. Like if it's something I'm working on building or fixing, it has to be PERFECT or I am totally pissed at myself. I have to have my Wife look me straight in the eye and tell me it's good. 'Are you sure?' 'Yes,' she'll say emphatically, 'I'm sure. It's all good.'


I'm kind of the same way Ernie. I get fixated. I have to have someone say to me "Hey, you are being really cranky at me right now. Maybe you should stop working on that?"


i think they perfection thing is pretty common

I seem like I am the only one who fucks things off till the last minute

but I can do that

Cause I'm the governor


Hmmm I wonder who would say something like that? ha ha.

It's good to be the king, or, the governor.


i know....

wrong movie....


i do the same food thing you do, turtle.

I'm a synesthete, of the sound/visual variety. But that's not a quirk like micheles restaraunt thing. It means i don't have anything yellow because i can't stand all the screaming. I'm wired all wrong.

And i have a timing thing. It's just a thing. if something is clicking, or ticking, or thumping for any length of time, it better be doing it with a beat. Or i will go bananas and smash it, fix it, throw it away, kick it out of the house, or otherwise dispose of it.

There are probably other things but Smart Half doesn't feel like writing a list for me.


I fall into the computer for hours on end, working or playing, and have complete coversations with people around me and then have absolutely no recollection of those discussions. Not so bad at work, drives my wife crazy though.

I can't eat black olives or green olives, but only only only Greek Olives. Yes, there's a difference.

I can only listen to some music with headphones or earphones.

The rest are too much information.


Can't listen to music unless I'm doing something else like using a computer or going somewhere in a car.

Only two albums I can fall asleep with on are Who's Next by the Who and Why Do They Call Me Mr. Happy.


Only two albums I can fall asleep with on are Who's Next by the Who and Why Do They Call Me Mr. Happy.

god damn

you must have some fucked up dreams

hey, i fall asleep to reruns of Little House" reruns, so I'm kinda out there too


I agree about the food thing, except that in some situations if people offer you food and you repeatedly try to refuse it and then they force it on you... and I'm thinking mostly about mandatory work-related fun here... then I think in those situations picking at it works. Then again, thrown away food depresses me, so I'd probly eat it anyhow.

- Kory


Oh, I have all kinds of "features". Have to pee right before I sit for every meal or down for a movie. I do NOT care if I just went 3 minutes ago. I have all kinds of OCD shit I do every day. I'm also, as I saw a friend describe it perfectly the other day, a lazy perfectionist. I will procrastinate starting everything because I know I won't let it go until it's perfect.


at one gig we had an aussie programmer who used to say that shit all the time.

"it's not a bug it's a FAYCHAH"


oh wow. leftover resentment much?

anywho. i CANNOT sit with my back to any room. so my computer is situated so that i face into the room.

also i HATE mustard. the site, smell, look, feel, ick.

you know i love you if i allow you to put mustard in my refridgerator.

(right now my refridgerator is mustard-free)


people who hate mustard are weirdos. I have 3 different kinds in my fridge and packets all over the house


How the hell can you eat a soft pretzel without mustard ? Garlic Aioli mustard on a warm pretzel is like a little slice of Heaven....


How do you eat hot dogs? Bologna sandwiches? Pastrami?


Mustard Man will haunt your dreams.


the mustard man rules


I have a weird one that drives me insane.

When I walk down a sidewalk, I can feel all of the cracks. All of them. I have to avoid them cuz if I don't and step on them more with one foot then the other, it feels "uneven". Uneven isn't a good feeling.

Is that weird? Is that an OCD thing? I guess it's not as weird as being fixated on Little House reruns.


Shawna, I can't step on cracks because if I do, I feel like I have to step on the next crack with the other foot. In the same spot. It always has to be even. Otherwise I have to step on the next crack with the other foot and start over again. So I just avoid them.

I guess it's not as weird as being fixated on Little House reruns.



I guess it's not as weird as being fixated on Little House reruns.

HEY! Hold on there, cowboy. Little house is a damn good show that teaches people about blindness and fishing and some other shit everyday.

so we need to back off the glory that is "The Little House"


I count steps all the time. I can't not do it. Matter of fact, I get to climb the steps in the CN tower for charity in a few weeks.... I get to count to 1776, that's gonna be, like, so cool.

I also have to treat my feet equally. If I scuff one foot when I'm walking, I have to scuff the other one in the exact same way (mirror image though). If I kick a can with my left foot, the right foot gets a shot too. It's only fair.


Turtle, shouldn't you be packing or something?

Damn, I'm glad I'm not the only one with the weird stepping on cracks evenly thing!


oh my gos i'm gonna puke... seriously i'm gaggin. that picture is making me sick


Kali, you know that's just going to make me find more.

Or mail you some mustard packets...


Turtle, shouldn't you be packing or something?


cause "Saved by the Bell" is on

gotta see what Screech is up to today


dude. seriously. i've lost friends over mustard before.

man i shouldn't have said anything.

seriously. i hate mustard. even in packets. it seeps out dude, seriously. and the smell? blech.

oh my god and how if you ever get a little bit of mustard on you it gets everywhere. elch.. everywhere. fuck i;m serously gonna puke..


is this better, kali?



though, really, just so you get the full circle-joke.

my favorite is mayonaise.




Speaking of Screech....

Dustin Diamond in Porn...


gross turtle. gross. she's touching herself.


To the commentors.

We have noticed there has been some talk of mustard on your site.

We are currently in a situation in Nigeria. A substancial amount of money that has been disportialy placed in my account.

The Nigerial Mustard Fund will offer you 10 percent of all the Mustard funds if you send us your bank account. This Mustard Fund is in the amount of 100,000 (us).

If you accept this offer, please respond to this comment.

Thank you

The Turtle
CEO of The Mustard Fund
um... i think in Africa


Here's one, I cannot use a public urinal, I have to use a stall, even if it means waiting for like an hour before I get in. Two reasons, one, splash back, who the fuck wants pee on their pants, resaon two, other than some sexual positions, a man cannot be any more vulnerable than standing with his back to the world with his dick in his hand, and thsi is more than by choice, I have tried to do it in empty bathrooms with the wife watching the door, no it has entered the relm of possible phobia


Oh, and I used to prefer, no, I use to need to sit facing the door of any establishment I was in, restaraunt, bar, whatever. It was the ol' Wild Bill Hickock thing, never sit with your back to the door if anyone might be after you.

At some point in my life, I realized I just wasn't all that important.

It may have been, yes, I believe it was, about a year and a half after I quit drinking.


Boy am I late to this one...

I can't stand to have things pointing at me. Knives, pencils, remote controls. If they're pointing at me they have to be moved.

Doesn't explain how I came to be pregnant. Twice.


described text subtitles horrible tilting!deserted FAQ:infiniteness


eXTReMe Tracker