Ted Rhobe Rae is unable to write this week, as he is dealing with a joint lawsuit brought against him by Child Protective Services and the Association for Protection of Midget Rights. Below, Uberchief dishes out advice in the form of a fable from the magical land of Deep Forest, where animals can talk, get drunk, and contract venereal disease.

Dear Uberchief,

My sister recently went to the local Sperm Bank and got artificially inseminated. I have reason to think she might have chosen one of my (many) samples.

Should I say anything?

Spanky in Spokane

Dear Spanky,

So you think that you may be the father of your sister's child? I've got just the moral for you. Your situation reminds me of when Pete Pelican moved to Deep Forest. Now, this was a long, long time ago, during the economic recession brought on by the conservative fiscal policies of Brian Badger (who was thankfully run out of office when the feds found over six gigs of kitty porn on his computer) and the animals of deep forest were having a very hard time finding jobs. Terry Turtle had to close his pet store and let all the Giblets run free. Percy Porcupine had to close the free clinic, and even Bird couldn't afford to live off of what meager offerings he received from those seeking advice. Pete had picked a bad time to come to Deep Forest. But he was a determined bird, and pretty soon he was going door to door, asking for work.

"Excuse me?" he said when Dr. Fox opened his door. "I'm Pete Pelican, and I'm new to Deep Forest. I wonder--do you have any work for me?"

Dr. Fox shook his head sadly. "No, I'm sorry. Normally I would, but because of the way things are right now, I even had to lay off most of my staff at the hospital. Sorry."

Next Pete went to Terry Turtles house. "Excuse me?" he said when Terry opened the door, "I'm Pete Pelican, and I'm new to Deep Forest. I wonder--do you have any work for me?"

Terry shook his head sadly. "No, I'm sorry. Normally I would, but because of the economy, I even had to shut down my pet store. Sorry."

Finally, Pete came to the Hollow at the bottom of Big Tree where the Grasshopper family lived. "Excuse me?" he said when Mom Grasshopper opened the door, "I'm Pete Pelican, and I'm new to Deep Forest. I wonder--do you have any work for me?"

Mom Grasshopper thought for a second, then said, "Ah, yes. I need a coat hanger for Dad Grasshopper's new suit. Will you go to Bill Buffalo's corner store and get one for me? I need one so I can hang up Dad Grasshopper's new suit when I'm done ironing it. He has a big job interview today."

"Don't you remember?" said Dad Grasshopper from where he was sitting by the fire, "Bill had to close the store down."

"Then how will I get your suit ironed and keep it nice for your interview this afternoon?"

Just then, Mom Grasshopper noticed what a large beak Pete had. "Why Pete!" she squealed. "I think your beak would be a perfect place for me to hang the suit! I tell you what--if you will stand and hold the suit in your beak for an hour while Dad Grasshopper gets ready, then you can come over to our house for dinner every night this week!"

"That sounds great!" said Pete, proud of himself for being so industrious. He went inside and stood patiently next to Mom Grasshopper as she ironed Dad Grasshopper's new suit. When she was done, she took the jacket and the pants and turned to Pete.

"Now Pete," she said, "Open your mouth."

Pete opened his pelican mouth wide. Mom Grasshopper took the edge of the pants and the collar of the jacket and situated them on the edge of his bottom bill. When they were just so, she stood back and said, "Now, Pete, close your mouth!"

Pete snapped his mouth closed. Mom Grasshopper clapped. "That's great Pete!" she squealed. "Now the suit won't get wrinkled or dirty!"

Pete held the suit and indeed, it was crisp and clean for Dad Grasshopper's interview. That night, Pete and the whole Grasshopper family sat around the table celebrating, for Dad Grasshopper had been offered the job (and had several compliments on his lovely suit!).

The moral of the story is: sometimes a closed mouth is the next best thing to a coat hanger.

Hope that helps Spanky,

Uberchief

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