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NFL Week 8 - Interview Time
by Michele Christopher
Ernie steps out in front of a Faster Than the World backdrop and stands behind the podium. (We are always looking for sponsors for the backdrop, just so you know)
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Well, we all know what happened last week, but last week is last week. It’s behind us. You move on. This week is a new week and a new opportunity. You can’t move forward when you’re looking backwards and all that shit. So let’s just get this over with.. First question…
Fictional Main Stream Sports Media interviewer: So, how would you rate your performance last week? Most of your game picks were totally off. I mean, most of them could not have been more wrong.. What do you say to that?
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Well, I have to tell you, I had a really bad week last week. The preparation was not there and it really showed on Sunday. I totally fucking sucked, really. My gut feeling for almost every game was just dead wrong. I don’t know what it was. I think maybe it had to do with the bland turkey sandwich that I ate for lunch that day. In hindsight I think maybe I should have put some salsa* on it or something.
Fictional MSSM interviewer: That’s a bit of an uncharacteristic response from you, not taking the blame for what happened and throwing your lunch under the bus like that.
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: Yeah. Well. Thanks for making me feel like Peyton Manning after a playoff loss. Hey, nobody’s perfect right? I think that was obvious by my picks last week. Hopefully nobody is taking them and you know, doing something illegal with them. Gambling is illegal here at Bushwood you know. If you did happen to, you know… my bad, but then again, what were you thinking using my picks, you tool?
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: What? Me? Never. Next question please.
Fictional MSSM interviewer: How are you feeling this week?
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: "I think I'm probable. Day-to-day."**
Fictional MSSM interviewer: Any final thoughts before we head into this week's picks?
Ernie the FTTW Football Guy: I just need to go out there and concentrate on my own game, follow the game plan and execute. It’s all about the execution. I think last week, I tried to do something new with those ‘From the Gut’ picks and it kind of backfired on me. This week I just need to get back to doing what works. And that means putting my throwing glove on and pulling my game-day picks totally out of my ass. So that is what I’m going to do. I’m literally going to pull them right out of my ass. Well maybe not ‘literally’ because that would be gross, heh..
So, this was kind of fun. What time do you want to do this next week?
Fictional Main Stream Sports Media interviewer: Ah, we’ll get back to you. Thanks…
*Salsa will totally fix any bland sandwich. Just spread a little on there with a knife like you would do with mayo. Awesome.
** Quote from Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick, when asked by a reporter about the Patriots’ latest rash of injuries. Wiseass…
This week’s “Totally Out of My ASS’ picks:
Arizona at Green Bay – Jeez. Who am I supposed to pick here? Does Arizona get up off the mat after last weeks humiliating 22-9 loss and come back with a win? Against Green Bay at home in October? Ah no. Green Bay.
Houston at Tennessee – Phht. When in doubt, flip a quarter. Where’s a quarter? Fuck. Here’s a guitar pick. The side with ‘Fender’ printed on it is ‘heads.’ Head’s Houston, tail’s, Tennessee. It’s tails.
Jacksonville at Philadelphia – Jacksonville is going to beat Philly at home. I don’t know why I think this. I’m pulling these out of my ass remember?
Seattle at Kansas City – K.C. is going to the 3rd string for their quarterback now that Damon Huard, a.k.a. Chandler Bing, is hurt. Kansas City is a tough place to win, but I gotta think Seattle fully takes advantage here. If they don’t get the win, then obviously the Football Gods are just fucking with me to make me look bad in front of all you fine Fooseball Fans. They are like that you know.
San Francisco at Chicago – Chicago will be 7-0 come Monday. No need to discuss.
St. Louis at San Diego – Interesting game. Tough pick. Both teams are 4-2. I’m going with San Diego. Yup. I am.
Indianapolis at Denver – Denver. I told you last week, I’m picking against Indy the rest of the way, and that’s not changing. Besides, I think Denver really will win this one. This is another one of those rare occasions when you will see me actually root for Denver. I’m hoping to see a lot of the infamous ‘Peyton Manning Face’ during this game, kind of like a preview of it before the Colts come to New England next week. Manning faces Denver safety John Lynch one week, then Pats safety Rodney Harrison the next. Heh he heh.. Cut that meat you little bitch!
N.Y. Jets at Cleveland – J-E-T-S. Everyone in Cleveland will be pissed. Again.
Pittsburgh at Oakland – Pittsburgh should have their way with Oakland in this game and based on the way many of their fans dress, they probably will not mind.
Dallas at Carolina – Poor Drew. He’s been benched. I think it’s a ploy by Dallas Coach Bill Parcells to light a fire under Bledsoe. He hates riding the bench more than anything. Remember when he was replaced by Tom Brady in New England (thank you) and then traded to Buffalo the following season? Bledsoe had something to prove that year and he was en-fuego in Buffalo. Being benched in Dallas? Same thing. Parcells is a dick but he knows how to manipulate his players. As far as the game goes, I’ll take Carolina. Watching The Cowboys this year has been like watching a circus. In a way, it’s sad and cruel, but it’s also very entertaining.
A lot of people see this as a season defining game for both of these teams and I think it will be. My prediction? I predict I’ll be acting like a whack-job maniac on Monday Night as my Wife tells me, ‘I’ve had enough of this nonsense. I’m going to bed’. Now that’s one you can bet on.
Ernie is available for interviews. For a reasonable cost.