The musings of Wilhelm von Hans von Masterson von Stutt. Also known as Bob. Sundays.

I was watching a television show on cannibalism and was wondering how so foreign and, let's face it, icky, a concept ever came to be considered appropriate behavior by any society. But then I got to thinking about it a bit more and thought it wasn't such a bad idea, you know, in theory.

The first guy to ever consider cannibalism probably woke up one morning in his cozy little hut in the jungle. Like most of us in the morning he didn't want to get out of bed but he had to - he was hungry and he had a wife and four kids to feed. So he made some coffee, strapped on his hunting gear, grabbed his spear and brushed aside the long grass front door to his hut.

Most likely it was hot and humid outside, you know, what with being in the jungle and all. As he took one last lingering look inside the cool, dark interior of the hut he saw his wife and kids fast asleep, comfortable in their beds and thought of all the quick, poisonous and hard to catch animals that waited for him out in the jungle. He thought of the hours and hours of hot, sweaty work it would take to track, hunt and prepare a meal.

It was probably about then that his stomach rumbled with hunger and he began thinking how unfair it was that he had to go out and do all the hard work while the wife and kids got to sleep in. Maybe he even got a little angry. Maybe he thought if he didn't have so many mouths to feed life would be easier and happier. Then it clicked. If he killed
one of his family he not only wouldn't have that mouth to feed anymore, but he could feed the rest of the family at the same time without all that mucking about in the jungle.

Genius, he thought.

But who to kill? The wife was the obvious choice. She ate the most out of any of them. In fact, she had really packed on the pounds since the last pregnancy, and, besides, she was always nagging him in front of his friends. And, with her out of the way, there wouldn't be any new mouths to feed in the near future.

Although, she did let him have sex with her occasionally. Okay then, it would have to be one of the kids, probably the youngest one as it would put up the least amount of struggle.

So by 9:00 that morning the whole family had finished eating breakfast and, after finding out what she had eaten, the wife had him in front of the elder council by 9:15.

After hearing the charges against him the elder council secretly sympathized with the man - it wasn't so many years ago that they too had to go out hunting to provide food for their families - but they obviously had to put him to death for they were old and slow and,
besides possibly being a bit stringy, could be considered by many to be good eatin'.

My guess is that near the end of the council meeting one of the elders stood up and said that the man had been smart to kill a human for food, for humans were amongst the slowest and weakest creatures in the jungle and the man had been smart not to kill his wife so he could still get nookie but the man had not been smart to kill a child for
everyone knew the children were our future.

So they killed the man and ate him and vowed only to eat outsiders, enemies, castaways and missionaries for food from then on.

Bob is a semi-certifiable insane guy who may or may not be a cannibal.

| Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It| Stumble It!