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It's Cold Tonight
by Michele Christopher
It rains. It pours. You lose power and it snows. I think that rhymes.
Anyways, tonight we are both dealing with weather. Michele is dealing with some blizzard or hurricane and I'm dealing with if it is too chilly to go shirtless to the store. Weather extremes. We both have to deal with it and this is how we did it.
turtle starts to preach.
Bad weather always seems to happen in New York. I don't know why god seems to hate New York and seems to love California. My running theory is that god loves me and hates Michele. She seems to have a little tiny black cloud that just floats above her and only her. I think she was Charlie Brown in her last life. I mean it's funny to watch the weather patterns over her head but really, after awhile, it really does get a little sad.
Like taping up a cat's foot and watching it do that little cat dance, oh you know you all have done it so don't look at me like that, Michele and her bad weather are just a thing you look at and laugh at for awhile.Then feel bad for. But, it's not my fault god hates New York.
I have no idea why god hates Florida and New York so bad. In some past life, those states must have really pissed him off. Like biblical pissed off. It was easy to figure out why god flooded New Orleans. He wasn't invited to Mardi Gras. That's a lesson I think you all should remember. God wants to see girls gone wild too. If god can't toss beads to topless girls, god will flood your town.That's why topless girls and god are on our invite list to the wedding. I'd rather see god throwing beads with dancing topless girls than have him flood our wedding.
See that would be a bad thing.
But, New York is harder to figure out. They did something there that pissed him off. Something that made them have really bad blizzards and snowstorms. Florida is a little easier to figure out. My theory of Florida is that god just got tired of the old people who moved there. Waiting for them to die takes a lot of patience. I don't think god has that much patience. I mean really, waking up each day and looking at all the old skin wondering when they are going to be your problem must take a lot of time. So I think god sends in hurricanes just to get it all over with. Deal with it all on one day. Might as well get the Grim Reaper in on all of this. Shit. God wants to work a nine to five like you do too. Give him a break.
But New York escapes my theory. I mean, it's just like San Francisco. Financial hub. But it's nice in San Francisco everyday. It's just like Los Angeles. Entertaiment hub. New York has everything going for it. So what happened?
The Reverend Al Sharpton.
I fully believe that when Al Sharpton wakes up in the morning, god frowns. He dispenses his anger with rain, wind and snow on New York because of a fat man who likes to wear alot of gold.
Either that or cause Cher tours there alot.
I don't know.
I told you my theory wasn't perfect. - T
michele gives a snow job:
Weather. We get a lot of it here. Really, we get it all. Today we had gale force winds. Last week it was flooding. We've got heat waves and ice storms and monsoons and blizzards.
Wait. Let me say this. I know damn well that right now, turtle is busy writing something in which he is making fun of me. I just want to say that it's pretty hard to take serious a person who calls you in the morning and says "I'm f-f-f-reezing" with chattering teeth and then you find out that it's 72 degrees. I had to scrape ice off my windshield yesterday, bud. And you know what? You're moving here in a few days. Go check out the high temperatures for the upcoming week. I hope you have a heavy jacket. Because your 72 degree days in November are long gone.
Anyhow. Let's talk about blizzards. We get them here. Personally, I think they are kind of fun. A few days in the house playing video games, drinking hot chocolate an watching your neighbor's kid clear your driveway with a snowblower. And watching the local newscasters go crazy. You would think they'd never seen snow before the way they react when there's a storm coming in. It's a weird phenomenon that strikes whenever more than five inches of snow is predicted around here. People start acting as if they had lived in pure sunshine and heat the whole time. OMG! White stuff falling from the sky! We're all gonna DIE! Please. You all drive Lincoln Navigators and Hummers with twelve-wheel drive. The town will clear the roads within 24 hours and your kids will be pelting the toddler across the steet with snowballs within two.
I don't know what everyone gets uptight about. And I certainly don't know why they all feel the need to run to the grocery store as soon as Sam Champion says the word snow. It's just a gut reaction in Long Islanders, I guess. HOLY SHIT! It's going to SNOW! Gather the children! Man your posts! DEFCON ONE! And, like a sea of panicky lemmings, they drive en masse to their local delis and supermarkets and Dairy Barns, stocking up on milk and bread. Yes, milk and bread. It's an interesting phenomenon and I'm not sure if it's indegenous to Long Island, but it's been around for as long as I can remember. There must be some forgotten urban legend that wove its way around the Island decades ago. A suburban family wakes one morning to find that it has snowed. The mom goes into the kitchen only to find that there is only a half quart of milk and two slices of bread left! The horror! The family screams, the kids cry, the mother frantically tries to pump milk out of her breasts even though she weaned the youngest eight years ago. And oh, irony of ironies, the deli just two blocks away has one gallon of fresh, whole milk left and one loaf of white bread on the shelf. If only there were some way to get two blocks away with having to trudge through the monster snow storm that dumped two inches of the white stuff all over town!
That would explain the way people head out in droves to the store when a storm warning hits. Innate fear, left over from the telling and retelling of the fate of the poor Levittown family who had to eat each other's flesh and drink each other's blood to stay alive during the great snow dusting of 1931.
I'm not trying to disparage those who feel the need to prepare for a snow storm. If the weather channel says we're going to get eight inches of the white stuff, it's a good idea to have the things you need in the house. It's just the whole milk and bread thing that's perplexing. I worked at my uncle's deli for about seven years and every winter, it was the same thing. Snow alert equals run on milk and bread. No one bought anything to go with the items. No cheese or ham for the bread. No boxes of hot chocolate or cereal to go with the milk. No one bought toilet paper or soda or cans of soup. Just milk and bread. It would get to the point where a line would snake around the deli and I'd be ringing the customers up as fast as I could, to get them in and out before a fight broke out over the last loaf of Wonder bread. He's buying a gallon of milk and he lives by himself! Lynch him, that selfish pig! Flaming torches and pitchforks ensue.
The second the first flake falls, everyone runs for cover. They lock up the doors and windows and ration out the milk and bread to family members. Sorry kid, you're only five. You don't really need a whole slice of bread to fill that belly. Yes, I know the store is only a block away and we have an SUV. But, it's a blizzard, Timmy. A blizzard! You might go outside and be blinded by the storm and fall down a well and then we'd have to send Lassie out after you. And we're saving Lassie as a last resort for dinner on Tuesday.
Never mind that there's six pounds of chicken in the freezer, two dozen eggs in the fridge and a Poland Springs cooler that offers hot or cold water in the kitchen. We're talking milk and bread here. No one wants to end up like that long ago family, turning into cannibals and then possibly zombies because they were unprepared for the storm at hand.
Me, I prefer to just stock up on the real necessities. Jack Daniels and tampons.
Which reminds me of this story that happened one day when they predicted a snow storm.
I get to the store and there's a local reporter out there, questioning everyone about the snow, because you know how those news people love a good storm story. He was asking shoppers what they were buying, what were they stocking up on (come on people, it's 6 inches, not 3 feet!) and asking how they were getting ready for the weather. I see him approaching me as I walk towards the entrance. I'm not in a very good mood. Traffic was bad, I'm tired and cranky. I do not want to be on the news talking about buying toilet paper and water. So he stands in front of me, cameraman in tow, and throws the microphone in front of my face.
"So," he says, "What are you buying today m'am?"
I say nothing but this does not deter him.
"Are you stocking up on necessities for the first storm of the year?"
I look straight into the camera and grin.
"I'm buying Tampons," I say.
Needless to say, I did not make it onto the 11:00 news. -M
So those are our stories and somewhat out there theories of bad weather experiences. Well, not so much as me. I was in a zen moment wondering why it walways rains on the East Coast. Probably some kind of weather pattern thing. I don't know. That's why I have the weather channel.
So what experiences have you had?