One froggy night
by Michele Christopher
So it's a slow Sunday and I'm digging for new CD's out of the pile. Grrr. I'm tired of these things. Maybe I should get into 2001 and just buy an iPod or one of those like things. But, as we both sat here, both without music, our thoughts went to TV.
We were thinking.....
What are the worst movies you have ever seen on TV?
michele slithers in:
Sunday afternoons on cable. I've got about 600 channels and almost all of the movie channels are showing some low grade sci fi movie about killer animals/insects/things. Always something about how man is destorying his natural resources and he will pay for it in the long run. Man bites nature, nature will bite him back. In the form of giant chickens, killer beavers and screaming worms. Yes, screaming worms.
I was gonna talk about Food of the Gods, but I think I'm going to save that for another day. It deserves more tribute than I can give it tonight. But really, I think that movie set the bar pretty high for all other "this is what you get when you fuck mother nature up the ass" movies. FotG came out the same year as Squirm, but I don't really think I appreciated Squirm until much later on, when it started showing up on weekend "bad movie days" on cable. Really, that's every Saturday and Sunday.
I'm going to be honest here. There's not a lot I remember about Squirm. I mean, I just watched it two weeks ago on the SciFi channel and I still don't have all the details right in my mind. But there is one scene I never forgot. The shower scene. Yea, normally memorable shower scenes involve breasts, soap and moaning. Not this one. But we'll get to that later.
Jesus, this movie sucked so hard. I wanted to like it just on principle. Killer worms! That's kind of a cool concept when you think about it. No one ever thinks of worms as killing machines. Gross, maybe. Slimy. But not deathly.
But. Have you ever seen a worm with fangs? Worms with faces of death? Worms that scream? This movie has got them. Thing is, I don't think the makers of this movie thought their cunning plan all the way through. Sure, the concept might have sounded great on paper. Angry worms! Killer worms! Tons of them! With teeth and vocal chords! This sounded good to some producer. Don't ask me why. Maybe he knew Food of the Gods was being made into a movie and he wanted to compete with the giant wasps. Maybe he remembered the movie SSSSS! and thought snakes was such a good idea that worms would work just as well. Like snakes, but smaller. Who knows what he thought. He made the damn movie.
Thing is, he made a movie with not one single likeable character. Everyone is a major league douche bag in this movie. Every character is bloated with cliched stereotypes and pumped full of embarassing dialogue. But hey, I wasn't expecting Martin Scorcese quality shit here. Hell, don't even expect Uwe Boll quality stuff from this movie. That's low bar stuff right there. And this slinks under it.
I doubt they really had dialogue or character development in mind here, though. What they wanted was to terrify you. With worms. Screaming, fanged worms. But the not caring about the theatrical aspects of the film kind of bites them in the ass, because you end up not being scared or nervous or even worried. You get to the point where you just want the damn worms to cover the entire town, sucking the life and blood out of every inhabitant, maybe taking their time and making it hurt in torturous ways that would make the Geneva Convention's balls shrink back into its body. If it were human.
So when the worms are really taking over the town, I was rooting for them. I took a liking to the critters. And when the chick went into the bathroom and turned on the shower and I knew damn well what was going to happen, I watched not in horror, but in appreciation as the worms slithered and poured out of the shower head onto our fair maiden. Oh yes! Get her! Kill her! Make her pay for being such a god damn whore bitch! Yes you dirty little whore, this is what you get for going into the shower to masturbate. The worms will eat your pretty little face off, yes they............
........ Have I mentioned that I'm having a bit of trouble with insomnia? And I may or may not be sleep deprived? Just saying.
Anyhow, I should probably mention here what exactly made the worms come crawling through this backwoods Georgia town.
Yes. Evil electricity apparently makes worms go crazy for human blood and flesh. I bet you never knew that. Well, give the writers credit. They had to get that man/progress v. nature thing in there somehow. It's in their "bad movie writer" contract, I think.
So if there's anything to be learned from this movie it's that worms don't like high voltage, worms can eat through human flesh and worms scream.
Don't believe me? Listen to this. That's the sound a zillion worms screaming.
And with that you will hear the sound of me laughing. And when someone laughs at your attempt at a horror movie, that's not really a good sign. You hear me Uwe Boll? That goes for you, too.
It does make for a fun Sunday afternoon, though. If screaming worms are your kinda thing.
turtle takes a stab
We can start this one off by saying I'm not a TV person. Really. If it isn't Chloe from "24" I really don't care. So, the weekends don't really mean a hell of a lot to me. I mean really, I am not going to watch 14 hours of football or 12 hours of golf. It's just easier turning on music and drifting away with the doggy.
That's really what happens. You think I'm joking. I'm not. Weekends for me pretty much mean watching cartoons in the morning, bitching at Michele about how bad all cartoons suck now, masturbating, then going back to sleep. I'm serious. My pattern is wake, complain, pull, sleep.
I have such a routine, I could be in the Army.
By the time I wake back up, meh, two o'clock or so, I get reminded by all the gmails and phone calls of things I fucked off today. Delete delete delete delete. Hey, it's Sunday. It's what I do. So scraping up, I find my shoes and grab a grape soda and slam it. Then the computer comes on. Then the stereo. Then a cigar. Then the wondering where I am at. Yes, I do that. I still need about 20 minutes to remember where I am at when I wake up. You should have seen me at Michele's house. That was a mind fuck.
But, anyways, after I get tired of the compy, I hit the TV. Gotta be something on that's good. I only get four channels, so my options are limited. Always have been but, meh, I don't really care. When the CD ends, my attention gets turned to the TV. This, on Sunday, is where I see the worst of the worst movies.
Oh for christ sakes. Fucking frogs? With some kind of statement behind it that only the writer knows? Oh christ. I'm way to groggy to deal with this. A frog? Is going to eat you? Cause you pissed it off? Wait. Wait. Wait. I'm figuring this out. Like 2000 frogs pissed at you for moving into their habitat.
See this is the way my mind works. I look at the story and wonder what the times were and what the writer was really, really thinking about when he wrote it. This one was obviously about environmental destruction due to growing construction due to a capitalist economy based on destroying it's own infrastructure.
Or maybe it's just about hungry frogs.
I read too much into these. You should see me break down porn films into some kinda cold war statement. Cause she wanted it anally because it was a protest to the breakdown of the Berlin wall. Don't get me started on Harry Potter movies and their leaning towards a fascist regime in Southern Asia.
Shit, I need a Stairmaster. I got off track again.
Frogs and angry green things killing people. Now I would give this movie a total bag but after I read the bill, one thing in there caught my mind. Sam Elliot was in there. I missed him. But he was there. Ok. Defining rule. If you have been in a movie with Mr. Patrick Swayze, you must be cool. So since Sam Elliot was in Roadhouse he must be cool. Cause he was in a movie with Mr. Patrick Swayze. So he must be cool. That means the movie must be cool. Trust my logic here, mien readers; this is the way it works.
I have the same theory about Morgan Freeman movies. Except for that one that was about jail or something like that. Nothing fucks up a good movie more then dudes in jail. Jesus, I don't want to see someone being passed around like currency for a pack of smokes. Hell, I can see that down at the local liquor store. So the people in there are cool but, really, even Freeman couldn't save that movie.
What in the fuck was I talking about?
A movie about frogs that ate people. It's bad. A real stinker. - T
So now that we told you the absolute worst movie we have seen on a weekend, you know, the movies that you can sit and stare at just to watch what else they can do in the "bad" category to get another checkmark, what are yours?