Uber's Corner: Cease and Desist
by Branden Hart
We at fasterthantheworld.com regret to inform you that we cannot legally run Ted Rhobe Rae's most recent column, I Sold Vacuum Cleaners for Two Days Part III. Below is the cease and desist order we received from his former employer.
[please click image to view orginal cease and desist letter]
Wei Raleigh Sook Corporation
To the editors/owners of fasterthantheworld.com:
On Monday, September 18, 2006, at approximately 10:00 AM, an article titled "I Sold Vacuum Cleaners for Two Days" by one Ted Rhobe Rae appeared on your website. Not only was it vulgar and extremely inappropriate for a website that could be easily accessed by minors, it represented our company in a very poor light. Exactly one week later, you published "I Sold Vacuum Cleaners for Two Days Part II", which showcases an inebriated Mr. Rae representing our company. While the Wei Raleigh Sook corporation takes pride in rehabilitating the so-called "miscreants" of society, we would never allow someone under the influence of a drug such as mescaline to sell our wonderful products. In this same article, Mr. Rae not only spoke untruthfully about his employment with our company, but outright lied about the methods by which we sell our goods.
Mr. Rae, who is remembered by employees at Wei Raleigh Sook as "the smelly guy with
1. At Wei Raleigh Sook, we abandoned the cold calling strategy of sales over twenty years ago, in 1985. Please note that Mr. Rae was employed with us during the 2000 fiscal year. Our standard procedure is to set up appointments via referrals, which each salesperson is required to do him or herself. Mr. Rae was stripped of this privilege on his first day in the office, when a coworker discovered him seducing the telephone. When asked why he was whispering "I want to take you in the back room and make you scream" to the Motorola 2400, he replied by stumbling into the broom closet and urinating into the mop bucket (this was not discovered until much later, when the custodian at that office complained that his mop water "smelled like poor people"). Because of this incident, Mr. Rae's schedules from then on were made for him by his boss. While most corporations would fire an employee for this behavior, please note that Wei Raleigh Sook takes pride in participating in the rehabilitation process, and random, public urination is therefore not cause for termination of an employee.
2. Mr. Rae claims that his first day of work was a Saturday because all of the Wei Raleigh Sook offices all over the world were working that day. We never require our employees to work on Saturdays, and have never had an event of the magnitude Mr. Rae speaks of in his article. Mr. Rae, however, does not seem to understand that there are seven unique days in the week, because he always insisted that every day was Saturday. For eight months, his last question before leaving every night was, "Do we have to work next Saturday?" And then, when it really was Saturday (or Sunday, or a holiday, for that matter) he showed up at the office. Most of the time, there was someone else there to tell him to go home, but on more than one occasion he was found on Monday morning, curled up on the front steps of the office, wrapped in the welcome mat and resting in a pile of cigarette butts, being licked in the face by his "dog" (see number three).
3. Mr. Rae was cited on more than one occasion for bringing his "dog" to work. I put the word dog in quotes because nobody at the office was sure what kind of animal it was. It was almost completely hairless, had a lazy eye, a tail that was nearly two feet long, and a severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder (it barked at pencils, defecated anytime someone talked about "Sweatin' to the Oldies," and ate Post-It notes (but no other paper products)). Despite repeated warnings, he continued to bring Francis into work, creating a hostile work environment for Florence (who loves Richard Simmons) and Eugene (who collects pencils from different parts of the world).
Mr. Rae was eventually let go for his behavior. Here at Wei Raleigh Sook, we take pride in hiring the downtrodden folks in society. We regularly hire crack addicts, meth junkies, kiddie porn addicts, kitty porn addicts, and the like, in the hopes of rehabilitating those that society has forgotten and discarded in the gutter like so many Jehova's Witness pamphlets. But after consultation with our public outreach counselor, an addiction specialist, and a very expensive veterinarian, we came to the conclusion that Mr. Rae was beyond help. Upon hearing his job had been terminated, his only response was, "Thank god. I was sick of working Saturdays."
Consider this letter an informal cease and desist order on any of Mr. Ted Rhobe Rae's writings that concern our organization. If this letter is ignored, we will not hesitate to take the necessary legal action to ensure that this does not happen again.
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» I Sold Vaccuum Cleaners for Two Days Part III
I'm getting weird looks from lauging inappropriately loudly at this.
Posted by: baby huey | October 2, 2006 12:47 PM
"We Really Suck Vacuum Cleaners" brilliant parody!
I stand in awe. (Perhaps I'd better sit down.)
Posted by: Arthur P. Bloom | October 2, 2006 1:09 PM
Uber kills me every time.
Posted by: Dan | October 2, 2006 1:13 PM
Kitty porn is a problem?
Posted by: Cullen | October 2, 2006 1:17 PM
We at FTTW do not respond to threats. Mr. Ted Rhobe Rae is free to write about whatever he wants to write about.
Except kitty porn. We don't need PETA on our asses.
Posted by: michele | October 2, 2006 1:29 PM
What kind of "kitty" are we talking about here?
Posted by: Cullen | October 2, 2006 1:47 PM
It starts with kitty porn, then next thing you know, you're cat juggling. It's a vicious cycle...
Posted by: Ernie | October 2, 2006 1:50 PM
Cullen, by linking to the band Kittie, you will increase the hits on their site and inadvertently make them think that people care about them. That's pretty funny.
Posted by: Dan | October 2, 2006 1:55 PM
Do you realize you said you don't want PETA on our asses?
Asses (and donkeys and mules) were established as my territory, along with goats.
Don't try to horn (or antler) in on my territory.
That being said, I sat at my desk and laughed so hard to myself upon reading this that I turned purple and it made my eyes water. Well done.
Posted by: Bob | October 2, 2006 2:27 PM
No Kitty Porn ? Crap. There goes the next three installments of "Livin' In The City" , in which I detailed my long, incestuous relationship with my half brother / half cat.
Maybe I should go home. Apparently, I'm not feeling well.
Posted by: thefinn | October 2, 2006 2:33 PM
i second the weird looks from loud laughter.
it was the mop water smelling like poor people that put me over the top.
holy shit that was funny. (still laughing)
Posted by: kali | October 2, 2006 2:56 PM