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You and Your Husband’s Rank
by Andrea Scott
What is all this crap with wives taking on their husbands’ rank? I’m going to hell for this article, so I might as well go out with a BALL OF FIRE, BABY! Here goes:
You all know or have met those wives whose sole purpose in life is to be there for their husbands? I’m all for choosing how you want to live your life, but in this case aren’t you living his? Now before you get all pissed and slash my tires, hear me out. I understand supporting your husband. The healthy support, though, like you get from your favorite bra or those spandex skinny shorts you wear on a night out when you’ve gained a few pounds on your tummy. By the way, I totally wore one of those the other night when I went out with my gal pal and I looked HOT! I’m not even talking about stay-at-home moms like my lovely neighbor who volunteer and take care of the kids. I’m talking about the women out there who say some bullshit to me like, “when we were a lieutenant.” UGH! What the fuck? Sure, we all go through the pains of military life WITH our husbands, but we didn’t sign an oath to the government, THEY DID!
Let me take you back to 2003. I was at a book club for wives on base. I generally despise functions where the only reason for getting together is to hang out with other wives of husbands your dumb husband works for. But what the hell, right? Makes for a good story. Anyway, so I’m at this book club and a lady says to me, “Are you in (I’m totally making up this name) Z367?” I was like, “No, but my husband is.” All innocent right? Inside I’m screaming at this wench and imagining wringing her neck. Sure, she was being nice, but I almost barfed all over my Antonio Milani black pumps. By the way, if you don’t have a pair of great four inch black pumps, stop reading this now and go buy a pair. Really, go NOW! Anything stupid you’ve done as a woman is totally null and void if you have great shoes. So this lady says to me, “No, silly, if your husband is in Z367, that means you are too.” By this point, I’m feeling really sorry for her and wanting to educate her on how to be shrew, but I realize this woman is totally happy with her life and why should I make her husband’s life miserable by informing her of the women’s rights movement? He’s a lucky bastard. I wish I had a wife like that. Who am I to mess that up for him? Haven’t we all heard ignorance is bliss? Bullshit concept, by the way, but whatever works for you.
So the next time you run into a woman like this, don’t pity her. Instead, think to yourself, “what do I have to do to get a wife life that?” In general this species of woman is harmless. Just make sure you have a barf bag handy just in case you have the urge to spew all over your new shoes.
Andrea is a military wife who looks stunning in spandex shorts and black pumps.