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Welcome to Hollywoodland
by Jay Scott
Produced By is a regular FTTW column that is moving from its Saturday slot to Tuesdays. As a welcome to the weekday audience at FTTW, here is Jay's introductory column.
Welcome to Hollywoodland, now get me a cup of joe and shut the fuck up.
So kids, you're fresh off the bus, dreams of stardom in one hand, your granny's old suitcase in the other. Hollywood welcomes you with dirty streets, crazy people and another half a million folks just like you pouring in weekly with the same little dream. Yeah, you're special. You’ve got that one thing we here in LA LA Land have been holding our collective breath for. You’ve got talent, after all everyone in (insert any small town name here) said so. You played the lead in (insert any common high school play here) and everyone told you that you should be in pictures. Hollywood “needed you” they said, you are the next big thing. After all, you are you. That special talent from anywhere America. Listen kiddo, this is the toughest city in the world to make it in. I’ll wager, that within a month, some jerk will talk you into taking some nudie pics, cause after all, Sleezy McSleeze can help your career, introduce you to people, make it happen. He’s here to help, cause you're that special talent, remember? Hey, porn stars come from somewhere, we don’t just grow em like fucking crabapples. It’s a nice thought, but we got plenty of assholes for parents doing that for us all across the states. Amazing how once the chickies hit the pole, they slide right in to porn.
But that’s not why you’re here, no, not you, you're going to be the next fucking big thing. Right. Yeah, ok dollface, we see ya standing there. Sure thing. Gotcha. So you better go rent that little North Hollywood apartment. The one we all rented before you. In fact, if you look around, you just might see some of the memories we left behind. So don’t be a wise ass and think you got it all figured, cause ya know what, ya don’t sweetheart, its just the opposite. This town will eat you alive. But sometimes, somehow, one of you makes good. Aint it a swell thought. Mom and Dad will be so proud, well, unless you're destined for low budget fuck films - you know, the ones your Mom and Dad get from some online store, after all you are outta the house and they can watch porn all they want. Oh yeah, your folks watch porn, I promise. And they like to fuck each other. Once or twice on your bed even. Kinky bastards. And that’s how that story breaks. Mom and Dad settle in with a gallon of lube and some turkey sandwiches to watch a good little dirty flick. Imagine their surprise when they see you getting a face full or fucked six ways from Sunday by 3 men with cocks the size of baseball bats. Yeah, happens every day darling, so don’t act so shocked. But not you, you’re a good one. You're serious about your craft. Its art, its passion. Yeah yeah, we have seen you before. Now go get me a fucking cup of joe and stop with the dreamy “I’m going to be a star” horseshit.
But, this is the town that can makes all your dreams come true. One little break and you're off. It does happen, but will it happen to you? Lets see how it goes kiddo, after all Granny knew best when she said you’d be in pictures. Didn’t she?
Stay tuned folks, next week we get to see where the dame goes and who’s waiting for her. Should be fun. Got something to say does ya? Well what's keeping ya, drop me a line. If it's hate mail, put that in the subject line. I read those first.
Jay would never eat you alive. We swear.