Now that Halloween is over, ThanksNewYearsMasTine's day can start. Lots of family gatherings, which can mean only one thing: finger foods and booze. Finger foods are nice, booze is necessary. Very, very necessary. Now, we could do some high-falootin party, with bubbly wine and foods with french names, but fuck that, son. It's time for a white trash cocktail party. All of these recipes are things that I had when I grew up in the middle of nowhere Ohio. These recipes are so easy you could do them with 3 other people in your trailer's kitchen and you wouldn't even feel cramped. I also want to thank Kali for her help in thinking of recipes. I'd call these hors d'oeuvre's, but that's a little fruity.

Finger Food #1 - Dried Beef Rollups

12 slices chipped beef
3 oz cream cheese

Spread a quarter ounce of cream cheese over a slice of beef. Roll it up. Put them on a plate.

Finger Food #2 - Snausages

1 package li'l smokies (cocktail-sized keilbasa) or cocktail weenies
1 can crescent rolls (NOT croissants, what am I, French or something?)

Cut a crescent roll in half and wrap it around the sausage and seal the ends of the dough. Bake according to the crescent rolls can. Put them on a plate.

Finger Food #3 - Mexican Cheese Dip (NOT fondue, because ... again, not French)

1 lb Velveeta (fuck yeah, I said Velveeta)
12 oz chunky salsa
Vegetables or chips or something

Cut the cheese into cubes and put into a bowl with the salsa. Microwave for 2 minutes. Stir to combine. If the cheese isn't totally melted, put back in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir again. Repeat that step until the cheese is all melted. Take the veggies and chips. Put them on a plate.

Finger Food #4

1 lb ground sausage
1 32 oz jar sauerkraut
3 oz cream cheese
1 c breadcrumbs

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

In a skillet over medium heat, brown the sausage -- make sure to break it up in the pan. While that's browning, completely drain the sauerkraut. Completely. Drain it in a collander. Squeeze it in paper towels. You really want it to be as dry as possible. When it's dry, you want to chop it up pretty small -- either with a knife or take it for a spin in a food processor. When the sausage is done, drain it on a paper towel.

In a large bowl, mix the sausage, sauerkraut and cream cheese. Sprinkle in about 3/4 c of the bread crumbs and mix to combine. If it's still a bit moist, add more breadcrumbs. Form into meatballs and put into the oven for about 15 minutes, just to heat them through. Put them on a plate.

Dessert - Ambrosia, the white trashiest dessert of them all!

1 c orange juice
1 15 oz can mandarin orange segments
1 8 oz can pineapple chunks, drained
1/2 c seedless grapes, halved
1/2 c chopped, toasted pecans
1/2 c shredded, toasted coconut
2 c cool whip (no real whipped cream, thank you very much)

Mix everything except the coconut, pecans, and cool whip and refrigerate till just before serving time. Mix the coconut and pecans in, and fold in the cool whip. Put it in a bowl.

Now, it wouldn't be a cocktail party without cocktails, and I've got one for the ladies, and one for the gentlemen.

For the Dudes:

Take a case of PBR. Put the cans in a wheelbarrow full of ice.

For the Wimmins - Jungle Juice:

750 mL Everclear
1.75 L "gas station" vodka (Seriously, the shittiest vodka you can find. This bottle shouldn't cost you more than $10)
10 L ginger ale
1 of the big tubs of kool aid powder (makes like 8 quarts, I think. Hell, I don't know)
10 lbs ice

Take one of those big coolers that you put the gatorade in at football games. Put all the ingredients in there except the ice. Stir to dissolve the kool aid powder. When it's dissolved, add the ice. You shouldn't worry about this getting watered down -- you should PRAY for it. This will destroy you.

ONTO THE METAL!

God Dethroned
The Toxic Touch
Metal Blade Records

I'm going to put aside my casual, unreasonable hatred for the Dutch for this, because this album kicks ass. Dutch death metal masters God Dethroned are back with their eighth studio recording, a heavy opus with much broader influences than in previous efforts. Other efforts have relied on shock value in lyrics and artwork to add atmosphere to the album; not so with The Toxic Touch. The band has moved away from songs that are angry for anger's sake - a lot of the songs are actually quite sad, or at the very least introspective. This could be an effect of new members Isaac Delahaye (guitar) and Arlen Van Weesenbeek (drums) having an influence on the songwriting. I'm not sure. That's not to say the aggression isn't there. Henri Sattler's vocals are deep and growling, and the addition of Delahaye adds a nice thrash element through some shredding guitar solos. The album is very heavy, and definitely worth a listen.

Recommended tracks: "2014", "Falling Down", "The Day You Died", "Typhoid Mary", "Away From Emptiness"

Baby Huey has never actually met anyone from Dutchland. Archives

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