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An Offer You Can't Refuse
There’s a time and a place for everything I suppose. And I’m sure that for the first billion of so miles that Santa put on his sleigh, it was a pretty comfortable ride. But after a few years, you know he got to thinking about how practical it was. Sure, it’s environmentally friendly to have a handful of reindeer pulling your fat ass around (no toxic emissions, unless you feed the reindeer chili…) and it’s only for one night a year, but how comfortable can a ride that was built a few thousand years ago be ? It’s got no shocks, a wooden bench and the headlights are contained in the nose of one mutated little reindeer.
Santa, it’s time for an upgrade. We took your busted ass sleigh and completely demolished it, FTTW style. Two tons of TNT and one FTTW Pocket Nuke later and that wooden antique is nothing but dust and memories. And in it’s place, we’re proud to present, The Present Flinger 9000.
Gone are the days when your butt would go to sleep somewhere over Greenland, because you’re be driving in style in these plush Captains Chairs that hug your ample Santa butt and have lumbar support that’s second to none. Bugs in your teeth are a thing of the past now that you have a giant, giant windshield that’ll not only block the wind and keep the bugs out of your teeth, but will also give you a crystal clear viewing area on those hard to see nights.
Feeling a little hungry and tired of the milk and cookies that everyone and their mother leaves for you ? Not to worry. The Present Flinger 9000 comes equipped with a fully loaded and stocked kitchen and a conveniently placed minibar located at arms length of the drivers seat. Now, if you’re hungry during your run, Ms. Claus can whip you up some scrambled eggs and Rooster Sauce, a dirty martini, or maybe a whole roast chicken. We at FTTW understand that a fat man’s gotta eat and drink, so we’ve planned accordingly.
But with all the eating and drinking you’re gonna be doing, you needn’t worry about having to find a Stuckey’s to stop at so you can do your business. The Present Flinger 9000 also comes with a fully equipped bathroom at no extra cost. That’s right, all the power of the Ultra Flush 450 for proper disposal of all your yule-turds and a full sized shower, so you and the Missus can clean up after a hard nights work. Speaking of “A Hard Night’s Work”, the Present Flinger 9000 also comes with a King-sized bed and the Comfort Excel Mattress system. You and your special someone can “get down” or just drift off to Toyland, knowing that you’re on the most comfortable mattress system available to man. And for those nights when baby oil is a must, not an option, remember that the Comfort Excel Mattress system does have an available vinyl cover for easy clean up.
Santa, we at FTTW wanna wish you a Merry Christmas and hope that you enjoy your new ride. Just remember that we worked long and hard to make sure that you were rode in comfort and style when it comes time for the gift giving. No, really. We mean it. There’s a bomb on this thing and if you don’t give us what we want, we’ll blow your fat ass up.
I heartily approve of pimping Santa's ride to get better consideration for the presents you receive. I can really endorse something like that.
Posted by: Kory | December 23, 2006 11:29 AM
The Present Flinger 9000 is a sweet ride, but it needs more bling outside. I'm thinking swarovski crystals and a festive, sleigh-like paintjob with pearlized accents.
Otherwise, the little knee-biters will just think that Gramma and grampa have arrived a few hours early.
Posted by: mike | December 23, 2006 5:25 PM