Big Girl Panties
by Andrea Scott

What is all this crap about being scolded by a fellow "wife"? I'd first like to say thanks to all the wives, officer and enlisted alike, that have flooded me with ideas for articles based on their own experiences. This article topic comes from two officers' wives who received a nasty email from a member of their officers' wives club.

nastygram1.jpgLet me first explain that the Officers' Wives Club is a group of women who join together "voluntarily" to support each other in times of major life changes, deployments, etc. In no way, shape, or form is this club mandatory, but should you decide to participate, you are required to pay dues for ugly gifts that will normally just go in the nearest garbage can.

Let me also explain that there are two clubs for military wives, one for officers' wives and the other for enlisted wives. The separation of these two groups, I assume, was because officers and enlisted military members who work together CANNOT be friends as it can cause conflict within the ranks. Understandably so, but this is carried over into who the wives can associate with as well. So you can see why I have outcast myself from this organization, no?

Mind you, it is not the individual women but the premise of the organization. Got that? Good! Moving on to the good stuff. I fear this is going to be one of my longer articles, but you like me, right?

The other night while I was visiting with two lovely officers' wives, we got into the conversation about an email written by another fellow officer's wife. This woman, let's call her Madeline. (I have strong negative feelings for a woman named Madeline I knew way back when. So we can use her name for anonymity's sake. By "strong negative feelings" I mean she should be hit by oncoming traffic she was so evil to me.) Madeline was attempting to organize a gift for the big wig's wife who is moving away. Two weeks before the big wig's departure an email is sent to all club members that basically went like this:

" Hi ladies, I know this is last minute but we are trying to give the big wig's wife a farewell gift for her great work with our officers' wives club. We were hoping for a small donation from you in order to send her away with something really nice to show our appreciation for her efforts. If possible, please make your donation by December 6th to give us time to purchase her gift. Thanks for all your help."


I have obviously left out a lot of things and changed things around to protect my lovely friends from any further hazing.

nastygram2.jpgA few days later, Madeline, who sounds nice in her first email, promptly turns into Joan Collins and sends out another email that went like this:

"It is now Monday (notice Monday is December 4 th, yeah, two days before the deadline) and I have only received two donations for the gift for the big wig's wife. I am embarrassed that our officers' wives club cannot even donate a little bit of time and money to show our appreciation for how much work the big wig's wife has done for our group. We are (enter any branch name here) officers' wives, and this is not how we should represent ourselves especially during the holiday season, a time of giving. Please contact me to make your donation. I hope you enjoy your holidays!"


We all know what she really wanted to say. She wanted to say, "Hey you cheapskates, I don't care if this is the holiday season and you are busy, give me the damn money so I can take the credit for kissing the big wig's wife's ass." How's that for being politically correct?

Whether she means it or not, this second email is totally inappropriate. First, she admits that her "request" (notice the quotation marks) was made last minute. The deadline for donations is December 6th, so why on December 4th is she getting her panties all up in
email.bad.jpga bunch? Regardless of all the problems with this scenario, whether she has forty dollars or one hundred dollars, a gift can still be purchased. Madeline just wants to get a really big gift. That's her problem. Personally, I'd leave a lump of coal on her doorstep or even a flaming bag of dog poop, but that's just me. My lovely friends still have to deal with this Nazi big-panty-wearing gift-giving psycho, so their response will be slightly different.

I am their voice this week. You need a voice with which to vent? Tell me your experiences. Obviously, each situation is different and each experience results in different reactions. Let me note that I'm not attacking military wives, but if you do something stupid, I'm probably going to hear about it and write about it. I'm lucky, I'm the writer, so my stupid acts don't always get published. So my message today is:

Don't try to act like someone's mother just because things didn't turn out the way you wanted. We don't always get what we want, that's life and the military. If you are going to wear big girl panties, getting them in a bunch all the time won't be very comfortable.

Stay tuned for next week because I just found out that a military chick got pregnant in Iraq. Big NO! Still trying to research the legal ramifications of that one!

Andrea doesn't like nastygrams and has a real thing against the coffee klatch.



ok, so i have a question (typing one handed with a sick baby in my other arm - yes, kaiya is sick now, too)-

is there an officer's husbands club?

what if the officers wife is an officer herself?

i never would have survived as an officers wife.


Can't they just frag her like they did in vietnam?

because I just found out that a military chick got pregnant in Iraq.

Stuff like this makes my life livable


Shawna, The poor men who are spouses are welcome in the officer's wives club but what rational man would put himself through that crap?


Turtle, apparently the hoochie is still in and they are giving her preferential treatment for being a slut bag....I'm still researching the legal issues with this. Stay tuned. My life is awesome too Turtle, I get women giving me juicy complaints everyday :)


Turtle, apparently the hoochie is still in and they are giving her preferential treatment for being a slut bag....I'm still researching the legal issues with this. Stay tuned. My life is awesome too Turtle! Glad yours is too.


The thing that drives me insane in these types of situations is when they expect the lower ranking enlisted folks to contribute to going away gifts for high ranking officers.

Dear Airman Snuffy,
As you know an officer who makes more in one month than you do all year is leaving us for another plush assignment. You're going to continue to languish here while said officer takes on the task of "material control" at the harrowing Hicam AFB in Hawaii. We would appreciate you chipping in twenty bucks so we can buy this officer a nice rememberance of his short 18 month stay in this armpit. We know you've been here six years and all of your requests to transfer to anywhere resembling civilization have been denied but we would appreciate your contribution in this send off.
Another high ranking officer.

Dear Officer,
I took a crap in a paper bag and I'm going to place it on your office desk and light it on fire. This way, even after you have left, the stench of shit will still remain so we can truly appreciate, proverbially, how we've been treated.
Love and Kisses

PS I pissed in your gas tank.


Travis, I'm going to buy you a drink! Right on!


Dirty Belvedere Martini
Jameson on the rocks

and I'm not bitter, I swear


The officer/enlisted spouses clubs are in full effect. I've found over the years that enlisted spouses clubs have begun to have more male members (heh).

But to willingly surround yourself with a bunch of catty women all hopped up on their own self-importance? Oh hell no.

Getting pregnant in theater can be, under the UCMJ, considered the same as desertion or any kind of action that a military member would take to get out of a deployment/war zone. PLUS, having sex in a deployed area is against regulations, so she'd be in violation there also.

Basically, if the command wants her out, she'd be out. Other than honorably as well. But I doubt they'll kick her out. They'll probably allow her to choose to get out.


Actually Cullen I'm finding that the legal ramifications aren't as bad as I thought...they have to be actually caught in the deed to be hear say or rumors even if she is long as no one walked in then no one knows. Doesn't that suck? A girl can be a total slut bag...until she gets caught.


I am surprised you didn't name her Margaret or are saving that one for a really big bitch.
I have always hated the "Officers Wives Club"- I had to go to a party a few months ago for a bunch of men and thier wives in my husband unit. Some of those women were so snotty. I could not be a member of one of those clubs, I would say something to someone and piss them off and then my husband would probably get reprimanded because his wife hurt some "big wig's" wife's feelings. Which by the way is completely irrelevant to his job...but thats those women for you..they are all about appearances. Madeline needs to get a life.


Happens to me all the time's the baby/


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