Monday, June 5th, 2006

Dear Diary,

I am very excited! My best friend Juan has gotten me an interview at one of Ricardo Carlos’ secret cocoa farms. I’ve been applying to Ricardo Carlos’ drug cartel for years without success, but now with Juan as a reference, I am a shoe-in.

Juan tells me the interview is mostly a formality, but the jefe wants to take a good look at me to make sure I am peon material before he signs me up. It is my understanding that there has been some trouble recruiting quality cocoa leaf picking peons lately although I cannot imagine why - what an opportunity!

Juan seems as excited about this as me. We were up half the night going over possible interview questions. I kept getting the answer to ‘How many cocoa plants does it take to produce one kilo of cocaine?” wrong but Juan was very patient with me and I think I’ll do well on the written part of the test tomorrow.

I am a bit worried about the drug test as I’ve never taken cocaine before tonight but Juan assures me that with the amount I sniffed a few minutes ago I will have plenty in my system by tomorrow to pass with flying colors.

Wish me luck, Diary!

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

Dear Diary,
I got the job! I am now a Peon I! My job duties include picking cocoa leaf plants and throwing myself blindly in front of bullets should the secret cocoa farm be discovered. I start next Tuesday. I told the jefe that I would be able to start immediately but he said it would take a while for HR to process the paperwork.

Having this job means that I will finally be able to ask for Maria’s father’s blessing for marriage. He wouldn’t give it to me before because I didn’t have a job but now that I am working for one of the cartels he can’t say no - as a Peon I, I am making enough money to support Maria well and, besides, I could now have him shot.

The work won’t be easy and the hours are long - it takes a week to hike to the secret cocoa farm, then I work for a week picking cocoa leafs, and then another week to hike back to town where we get a week off. Maria and I are sad that we won’t be together as much but she is very excited about all of the new stuff she can now afford to decorate our home with.

That, Diary, makes it all worthwhile.

Thursday, June 8th, 2006

Dear Diary,

Just a quick entry today - I asked Maria to marry me and she said yes!

It was the Wednesday before I had to leave for the one week hike to the secret cocoa farm. We were celebrating our last night together by eating at Chez Chihuaha - the fanciest place in town. I slipped the ring into her champagne and when she found it I thought she was going to explode from happiness! When she calmed down enough, I got down on one knee and asked her, she was shaking and crying so hard, but she finally managed to say yes.

When she said yes our families came in from the kitchen where they were hiding and we had a big celebration. You should have seen the look on Maria’s father’s face - he still doesn’t like me but there is nothing he can do about it - ha!

And when Maria and I got home, we did some extra celebrating of our own!

I found out that I will be working with Juan at the secret cocoa farm, we leave soon.

It is all very exciting, Diary!

Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

Dear Diary,

I met up with Juan and the other peons Tuesday morning and we took off together for the weeklong hike to the secret cocoa farm. Truth be told, I was a little worried about the trip although it turned out I needn’t be. All along the trail there were vendors selling food and drink, and at night we got nice rooms to sleep in and a gram of cocaine to help us wake up in the morning and get on our way.

It was all rather pleasant.

When we got to the secret cocoa farm we were met by the jefe. At first I was scared because he pulled a big gun on me and started yelling and screaming about me working for the Federales! Some of the guys I made the hike with grabbed my arms and held them behind my back and I almost started crying until I saw Juan standing off to the side smirking, then jefe burst into laughter and the guys started patting me on the back. It turns out that this is how they haze all the new guys and we all had a good laugh after I went into my bunk and changed my shorts.

I went to HR to fill out some paperwork and provide my two forms of identification to prove that I was legal to work in Mexico and then went was straight to the cocoa fields.

I never thought picking leaves off of a plant could be so hard! We have to use a very sharp cocoa knife to get the leaf off and I am ashamed to say that I cut myself frequently. Jefe saw my distress and sent me to the infirmary with a clap on the back and a hearty “Don’t worry about it!” Jefe says it happens a lot and that the blood adds a pleasant bouquet to the cocaine - something about the blood cells bonding with the chlorophyll in the leaf during the heat extraction process, or, well, something like that, it was interesting but a bit over my head really. Jefe also said they market the blood cocaine under Ricardo Carlos’ ‘Sangre de Cristo’ label, so everything is just fine.

Jefe said he liked my pluck and if I keep it up he hinted that I might make Peon II by the end of the year!

I think I’m going to like it here, Diary!

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

Dear Diary,

I am very sorry for not having written for so long, but much has happened recently!

After a difficult but satisfying first day on the job I was eager to start my second, so I got up early, snorted my allotment of cocaine and then watched the sunrise.

The colors were so vivid!

While I was watching the sunrise, I noticed a glint in the forest surrounding the secret cocoa farm. I didn’t know what to do, it was only my second day on the job and I didn’t want to raise the alarm and risk looking like a fool in front of jefe, Juan and the guys if it turned out to be nothing but I didn’t want to do nothing and risk having the camp overtaken by Federales or another cartel.

Such a pickle!

Luckily the decision was made for me when I took a bullet high in the shoulder. I raised the alarm. Jefe got the thugs to form a defensive perimeter and put in a call to Ricardo Carlos asking for backup.

The thugs put up a good fight but they were outnumbered, so I jumped in, grabbed a gun, and helped out where I could. Soon enough the backup arrived and we were able to repel the enemy forces. It turned out they were Federales - those bastards. Who are they to try and keep the working man down!

Anyway, after all the excitement we cleaned things up. Jefe said he was very proud of my courage and promoted me instantly to Peon II. Peon II! He said from there I could go on to be a Thug I, Mule I or a Lab Assistant I. I don’t know about the lab stuff, that all seems so complicated, but being a drug mule or a thug sure sounds interesting. The Mule I position pays more, but it is a 90% travel position so I’ll have to talk it over with Maria to see what she thinks.

That evening Ricardo Carlos himself came to the secret cocoa farm, shot the informer, and congratulated all of us for doing such a good job defending and then cleaning up the farm. We were all very proud.

Ricardo Carlos and jefe threw a party for us and they invited me outside to talk about something private. I was so nervous, I was going to meet the Ricardo Carlos! Jefe told Ricardo Carlos of my role and showed him my wound. Ricardo Carlos was very impressed and said that he was glad to have a man like me in his organization. He started reminiscing about his early days of being a peon and how he had taken the thug career track instead of the drug mule one. Ricardo Carlos said he had no regrets about that choice, but he did wish the he had traveled a bit more when he was younger.

Ricardo Carlos then told me that I should go home because when I got there a surprise would be waiting for me. He shook my hand and left.

Ricardo Carlos actually shook my hand!

Jefe, Juan, and the guys all congratulated me and the next morning I took off for home after only two days on the job.

So here I am, Diary, six days out from the secret cocoa farm and one day from Maria, my home and a surprise from Ricardo Carlos.

I wonder what it will be!

Wilhelm found the excerpts from this diary while "panning for gold" in South America.

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