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The Baby and the Bathwater
by Bonnie MeyerRosa
This is the first in an occasional series by our new writer Bonnie. Her column will be called Raising Hell and will deal with the trials and tribulations (and "it's funny now that I look back on it" stories) that come with raising kids.
For those of you who do not have children yet (or whose babies are still too young to take "real" baths) I want to just give a little heads up.
When your child is having a wonderful time in the bath (jumping around, splashing, making bubbles and singing silly bath songs) while you are dodging the gallons of water that are soaking your bathroom floor, and suddenly they stop and just sit there quietly pondering life, QUICKLY GRAB THEM! The little darling is inevitably going to poop within the next few seconds.
The aftermath of pooping in the tub is not pretty, not pretty at all!!!! Hopefully you have already soaped up and rinsed your child, if not you have to start the entire bath process all over because your child is now attempting to catch the poop while still making bubbles in the now contaminated water! If you haven't pretty much finished, you then have to grab the wet, slippery, wriggling child who is now protesting loudly, "no out mama" and then try to towel them off before they go running naked through the house dripping wet.
The next part of the process is scary - try to grab the poop without squishing it. Trying to grab wet poop in a wet tub with toilet paper is like trying to get that child out of the tub without protest - IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!! Once you have grabbed the evasive poop you then have to clean out the tub and fill it back up with water. While this is going on you have to find your child, who has probably peed somewhere on the carpet since he had no diaper on, and convince him that he wants to get back into the tub (this part usually isn't too hard).
Bath time can now continue, although you are no longer singing the silly songs and laughing at your little soap head child. You are now sweating, sitting on the toilet with you head in your hands, asking yourself WHY YOU EVEN HAVE SEX IF THIS IS GOING TO BE THE OUTCOME OF IT!!!
Don't fret at this point, the best is yet to come. You finally finish the bath and while you are drying off and putting the little cherub into clean pajamas he reaches out to grab your face and says very seriously, "mama, poopie in bath".
"Yes PJ - you pooped in the bath, you could have told me sooner".
"Mama, I love you".
"I love you too PJ".
Bonnie has never pooped in the bathtub.