What's On: Kung-Fu and Mexican Dinosaurs
by Michele Christopher
A long day of working on the house, putting up Christmas stuff and working on the site has turned us into piles of goo. You might have noticed in the last few days, we have been kinda, well, slow. The reasons behind that are kinda simple. Christmas. Duh. Well, there are other reasons, but that is the main one. So by the time everything is set up for the next day and things are ready to fire, we are kinda blown out.
Things will get back to normal when the first of the year comes around but for now, expect some hit or miss days with LNT. Every time I say that, by the end of typing, we are pretty happy with what we did, but just getting those first words out is like taking a shit filled with glass. You have to do it. You don't want to do it. But damn, it sure feels good to get out.
I wandered off topic again.
Anways. Today's topic was inspired by a little pastime I like to partake it.
What have you been watching lately?
That's right. Whatever you have been watching lately. Whatever you are into right now. Pretty easy.
Turtle searched for the one armed boxer.
Jeez, after I reread the whole intro, it kinda sounded like she caught me masturbating, which in fact, she did not. I masturbate quite openly and publicly. God gave me hands to play with my body and I treat the fucker like a playground. So I ride. Ride on.
This should be pretty easy since it was kinda funny when Michele discovered my dark secret. I get bored and watch a lot of crap TV. Well, I used to watch a lot of shitty movies in the theaters for like a buck, but they don't seem to have any of those discount theaters around here so I have to make due with Saturday afternoon flicks. And my main passion, as Michele found out, is martial art movies. The shittier the better. I know about the Wu Tang, Shaolin and Drunken Masters. I speak Seven Ways to ass kicking when I sleep so anything that is on works for me.
So here I was. Bored as fuck and waiting to do something. Then it came on. I don't know which one, but I knew it was one. And it turned out to be a pretty cool one.
The Master of the Flying Guillotine
Oh yes. This movie had it all. A blind man with a hat that really was a head chopper. His super hearing could find anyone. And when he heard you move, the guillotine would come a' choppin'!
This deadly and impractical weapon looks much like a Ching-era hat with a saw blade brim and a long chain attached. The user throws the weapon with practiced precision onto his victim's head. A chain netting with blades at the bottom drops down and one quick pull severs the head. Best of all, it collapses for easy carrying while traveling.
That's cool. That is what martial art dreams are made of. But you say "turtle! Slow down! I can't take much more of this coolness in just two short hours!" Ah yes. Tis cool. But it gets better. The blind man was sent to avenge the deaths of his two disciples. The only things he knows about the killer is he only has one arm and his name.
"The One Armed Boxer."
Now normally, I wouldn't see this being a problem. I mean hell, how many times to you run into a one armed man at martial arts tournament, right? Well herein comes the problem. It seems every other motherfucker in this town had only one arm. Some weird ass atomic testing must have went off around this town cause it seemed like they all had some sort of missing arm or leg. The funny thing was people with two arms were hiding their arms and claiming to be the One Armed Boxer. I guess they didn't get that the Master of the Flying Guillotine was blind and his mantra of "I'll kill everyone with one arm" cause they seemed not to care.
Like I really care about them anyways. Let them die. I just wanted to see these heads go flying off. It was almost magical the precision this old man had. He would just unchain it and throw! Heads come off. It was truly a sight to be seen. And really kind of funny. In the end the good guy wins. Someone got laid. Who is the good guy? Who got laid?
I'm not going to ruin it for you.
Well, since we started this magical journey of what crap movies I watch, I decided to grab one of the rare gems I had on DVD and pop that sucker in.
The God of Cookery
If you haven't seen this one. You have to. It isn't really a true martial arts movie. It's more just, well, balls out weird. It revolves around a "god" who really is just a TV show guy who doesn't know how to cook.
If you haven't got it by now, it is a comedy. Weird comedy and I am not smart enough to go into the details of how it is reflecting a throw away society that values a person's place and position in society rather than how "good" a person really is.
I don't know. Turtle just pawn in big game of life.
Surprisingly, no one dies here. Really. In my book, the only good movie has at least ten kills. And not just knock downs either. The "I am dead" blood must come out of their mouth. Cause that's how you know they are really dead. Blood is trickling down their mouth. They aren't moving. They must be dead.
Well this one doesn't have that. Even a few people I thought were dead ended up coming back at the end. Usually, this would rate bad in my book but what the fuck.
The best part of this movie is when everything is explained in ten minutes. The whole movie made sense when all was revealed. Something you could really never guess happened.
But, I am not at liberty to say.
Cause Michele feel asleep in the last ten minutes and missed it all.
Her Kung Fu was weak. - T
Michele turns on her box:
I went for a long time without turning the tv on much. It's not that I'm a "no tv" snob or anything, there was just nothing on that interested me. Or maybe I was just in a funk and nothing interesting was going to interest me anyhow.
I'm back to watching tv again. Oh, my little idiot box friend, how I missed you. 700 channels of mind-numbing bliss. So what have I been watching?
Cash Cab: I love this show. There's something about watching people being put on the spot intellectually. It's not like Jeopardy where they actively tried to get on the game to show off their smarts. This is all about spontaneity and maybe, if you're lucky, getting to watch some drunk guys or a couple of girls with a combined IQ of 72 try to answer questions that should be easy. There is nothing as rewarding after a hard day at work than sitting in front of the tv yelling "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW WHAT THE SUNSHINE STATE IS YOU GOD DAMN JACKASS??"
Sucker Free on MTV: Well, I don't so much watch this as let the remote rest on the channel for a few minutes each day. Why? To ensure that my home remains sucker free, of course. We put this on, wait about thirty seconds and sure enough, turtle will say "Kick ass, we're sucker free, baby." And I'll say "No suckers in this house!" Sucker Free. The way to be.
Little House on the Prairie: You had to know this would be here. Can't have turtle in the house and try to bypass this one as you're racing the remote from 2 to 821. He always knows. "You just passed Little House! Don't think I didn't notice!" Fine. I roll backward to TVLand and wait to get lectured on the current episode. Yesterday, he told me the ending at the beginning. What the hell? If you're gonna make me sit there and watch this crap, don't spoil it for me by telling me that the fat kid makes friends with everyone in the end. And who the fuck is Nancy? What happened to Nellie?
I Shouldn't Be Alive: No. You shouldn't. You're a fucking moron. It's too bad that when the show starts out I already know that you survive. It makes rooting for Mother Nature a lot less fun. See, this is why you don't do things like go hiking in the wilderness or explore the African Bush or look into the face of a volcano. Bad things happen. I will never have the opportunity to be on an episode of this show because I am smart enough to just sit on my ass in my house and watch shows about people exploring bush. You go on ahead and defy Mother Nature and the odds by going where man was not meant to go. You go ahead and drive into that snowstorm, big guy. I'll be looking for you on a future episode. I love that you provide such entertainment for me.
The Beast of Hollow Mountain: There's nothing better than Sunday morning tv. Get into the later channels, past the 200s or so and you get some real quality entertainment. The blurb on this flick said that it involved a feud between Mexican and American cattle farmers and a tyrannosaurus that lived in the swamp. Dude. Cattle rustling and dinosaurs? A Mexican horror western? How the hell can you beat that? Well, the dinosaur didn't show up until the last half hour of the film and the special effects reminded me of a dinosaur diorama I made in fourth grade. I think mine was more realistic. Sure, the movie was made in 1956 but that does not excuse the cheesy dialogue nor the shoddy acting of said tyrannosaur or the myriad plot holes. But hey, it's the plot holes and cheese that kept us entertained for two hours. And wishing for a sequel.
So that's what I have been watching. Plus the usual Adult Swim fare. As you can see, my television viewing is of the highest caliber. I defy you to tell me any different.
Hey, at least I'm not watching Dancing With the Stars.
So that's it. That's what we have been watching lately. Sure, some are bad, but really your bad movie could be someone elses great movie. Pretty deep there, eh?
Or maybe not.
So the question now is what you been watching lately?