Winter Wonderland
by Rockstar Mommy
My daughter insists that we play Christmas music all day, every day, all through the month of December. And while I like to pretend I have some sort of authority in this house by asking her "Who are you giving demands to? You're not the boss of me!", who am I kidding? She is so the boss of me. Needless to say, Christmas music is playing. Right now. And to prevent myself from completely losing my mind, I have decided to find some amusement in it. And so, I bring you the world's worst Christmas carol ever written: Winter Wonderland.
 That's right, I said Winter Wonderland. I understand that it is a huge holiday classic but honestly, I don't know what's wrong with you people. Not only is the song irritating as all hell, but the lyrics make no damn sense. Let's break it down, shall we?
"In the meadow we could build a snowman & pretend that he is Parson Brown."
Okay, WHAT?! This bugged me so much that I actually did some research to find out who the hell this "Parson Brown" character is exactly. Big surprise, though, he doesn't exist. Parson means pastor, so basically they're just pretending that the snowman is a pastor that will marry them. I don't know about you, but if my husband had suggested that we get married by a snowman? Well, let's just say we wouldn't even being having this discussion as we would have never had any children who would be forcing me to listen to this shit.
"Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream, by the fire..."
Every time I hear these lyrics, I think of two people sitting around a fire plotting world domination. Not a very Christmasy visual. I also think of them sweating profusely because I can't hear conspire without thinking perspire. Come on, don't tell me it's just me....
"In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown..."
Okay, why the hell would I build a snowman and then pretend that he's something else?
 If I wanted a clown, I would just build a fucking clown in the first place! What a stupid waste of perfectly good time and snow.
And the worst...
"We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way, walking in a winter wonderland..."
Now, I don't know about you, but the last thing that comes to mind when thinking of Eskimos is frolicking or playing. I think freezing fucking cold blizzards in Alaska and some little guy wrapped up in a parka in an igloo. And yes, it's a bit of stereotyping, but don't deny that this is what you think of for an Eskimo either. When I think frolicking and playing I think of puppies, little children, elves... you know, things and people that actually fucking frolic and/or play. They might as well be saying, "We'll frolic and play, the sweatshop child way", since they're not making any sense anyway. And since when do Eskimos have their own 'WAY' of doing it. Do they frolic and play differently than the rest of us? Is there something I'm missing?
Because I'm just not getting it and obviously the rest of you are...
It's going to be a long month.
RSM knows all the words to "Auld Lang Syne" as well and she doesn't get it, either. Archives
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Comments
I will never be able to listen to this song in the same way again.
You should do a whole series of these!
Posted by: michele | December 7, 2006 8:28 AM
we prefer "inuit."
Posted by: kali | December 7, 2006 9:07 AM
that was me above. uh. ya.
Posted by: offended in alaska | December 7, 2006 9:09 AM
Would it help if you changed the lyrics to "Walking in your winter underwear..."?? That's what HeidiChick taught me.
Posted by: LaraChick | December 7, 2006 9:12 AM
That song is annoying. Silver Bells annoys me more. Dont know why. I like the Trans Siberian Orchestra holiday CD. The Carol of the Bells is the best. BTW...i never knew that Eskimo Way line....going back to last weeks post, i totally fucked that line up...
Posted by: Mad Mom | December 7, 2006 9:13 AM
froliking eskimos would be a great name for a punk rock band
Posted by: turtle | December 7, 2006 9:20 AM
Elvis does a kickass version of 'Winter Wonderland'. Elvis kicks ass. And he knew karate.
Posted by: Ernie | December 7, 2006 9:26 AM
he was a hunka hunka burnin' kick ass!
Posted by: the karate elvis | December 7, 2006 9:29 AM
um,,,,conspiring by the fire means GETTING BUSY -- GETTING SOME -- NOOKIE (Nooky? Nuky?)
That's what I think of when I hear that song anyway..... um...doesn't anyone else??...um...um...
Posted by: HeidiChick | December 7, 2006 9:33 AM
People didn't have sex back in the olden days!!!
Posted by: michele | December 7, 2006 9:35 AM
doesn't "conspiring" have something to do with not being able to take a crap?
Posted by: turtle | December 7, 2006 9:36 AM
Hahaha! Dude, I always wondered what was up with those lyrics- especially the snow man part. But see, I always thought that this:
"He'll say: Are you married?
We'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
When you're in town."
Meant that he would act as your husband or whatever. And sometimes a guy sings that song, so then I was really confused.
Posted by: beka | December 7, 2006 9:48 AM
I have always detested that song, too. Something has to be insanely wrong with a kid who will build a snowman and pretend that he is a priest, then two seconds later pretend he is a clown. Sounds like some deep rooted psychological issues going on there...
I also like the Trans Siberian Orchestra. And Manheim Steamroller. Yeah, don't know WHY he has such a fucked up name, but I like the Christmas CD.
Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie | December 7, 2006 10:37 AM
Beka, I think they mean that "No, man, we aren't married, but you can marry us when you are in town". Or something like that. Whatever, the song still sucks.
Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie | December 7, 2006 10:39 AM
I offended an eskimo.
Posted by: rsm | December 7, 2006 10:49 AM
I dont like anything that has 'clown' in it. Clowns are just freaky and fucked up. and imagining a snowman dressed as a clown??? dont think so...
Posted by: Mad Mom | December 7, 2006 10:50 AM
I've been to the far reaches of Alaska (read: Barrow) and the folks up there KNOW when it's THAT cold outside......you don't go outside. Frolic indoors.
Posted by: Kendra | December 7, 2006 10:53 AM
I prefer Walking In Women's Underwear. That's some pretty funny stuff.
I actually dislike MOST carols, and will change the words to express how much I dislike them... so that's how mature I am!!!
Posted by: Kait | December 7, 2006 11:06 AM
That is cool that you have been to Barrow, Alaska. I have only read about it but it seems like a neat place.
Posted by: Ernie | December 7, 2006 11:12 AM
I am so building a snowman that looks like a clown when it snows.
Posted by: LaundryBroad | December 7, 2006 11:16 AM
No, it's not just you! I always think perspire too and think it makes a lot more sense than conspire. I haven't been able to figure out all these years what evil deed they're plotting. That just doesn't go with the rest of the song so I pretend that conspire means perspire and it makes me feel better. Although that Parson Brown thing has always bothered me too.
Posted by: Cheryl in Missouri | December 7, 2006 12:11 PM
They were probably on absinthe when they wrote it. That explains a lot of old songs.
Posted by: Heather | December 7, 2006 12:56 PM
Don't you people realize that you are not supposed to critique the old classic songs?
rsm, how dare you stir all of this up!!!!
Sing the song the way it is intended and deal with it.
OK, I don't believe a single word of that. Honest.
Posted by: RWA | December 7, 2006 3:03 PM
LaundryBroad.....NOOOOOOOO!!! no snowman clowns!!!
Posted by: Mad Mom | December 7, 2006 4:14 PM
i have to put my own spin on christmas songs to manage through them "jingle bells...your breath smells....your pooper laid an egg..." "dashing through the snow with a ho and pimp in sleigh, oer the fields we go humping all the way" okay, so the humor in those lyrics are only funny to my childlike distorted mind...but you get my point
Posted by: christmas songs suck | December 7, 2006 4:52 PM
I like to sing, 'we'll pretend that he is Jackson Browne.."
and later we'll perspire, as we SMOKE by the fire...
Posted by: Dannon | December 8, 2006 11:22 AM
Okat RSM, you are what..like 14? There may be some things that you don't yet "get". Sometimes "cynical" is funny. Sometimes it's just sad.
Posted by: Gary | December 10, 2006 5:36 PM
I´ve seen a songbook where the frolicking Eskimos were replaced by: "To face unafraid the plans that we made". GWB moonlighting as lyricist?
Posted by: Hjörtur | December 14, 2006 1:51 PM