by Rockstar Mommy
My daughter insists that we play Christmas music all day, every day, all through the month of December. And while I like to pretend I have some sort of authority in this house by asking her "Who are you giving demands to? You're not the boss of me!", who am I kidding? She is so the boss of me. Needless to say, Christmas music is playing. Right now. And to prevent myself from completely losing my mind, I have decided to find some amusement in it. And so, I bring you the world's worst Christmas carol ever written: Winter Wonderland.
That's right, I said Winter Wonderland. I understand that it is a huge holiday classic but honestly, I don't know what's wrong with you people. Not only is the song irritating as all hell, but the lyrics make no damn sense. Let's break it down, shall we?
"In the meadow we could build a snowman & pretend that he is Parson Brown."
Okay, WHAT?! This bugged me so much that I actually did some research to find out who the hell this "Parson Brown" character is exactly. Big surprise, though, he doesn't exist. Parson means pastor, so basically they're just pretending that the snowman is a pastor that will marry them. I don't know about you, but if my husband had suggested that we get married by a snowman? Well, let's just say we wouldn't even being having this discussion as we would have never had any children who would be forcing me to listen to this shit.
"Later on, we'll conspire, as we dream, by the fire..."
Every time I hear these lyrics, I think of two people sitting around a fire plotting world domination. Not a very Christmasy visual. I also think of them sweating profusely because I can't hear conspire without thinking perspire. Come on, don't tell me it's just me....
"In the meadow we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown..."
Okay, why the hell would I build a snowman and then pretend that he's something else?
If I wanted a clown, I would just build a fucking clown in the first place! What a stupid waste of perfectly good time and snow.
And the worst...
"We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way, walking in a winter wonderland..."
Now, I don't know about you, but the last thing that comes to mind when thinking of Eskimos is frolicking or playing. I think freezing fucking cold blizzards in Alaska and some little guy wrapped up in a parka in an igloo. And yes, it's a bit of stereotyping, but don't deny that this is what you think of for an Eskimo either. When I think frolicking and playing I think of puppies, little children, elves... you know, things and people that actually fucking frolic and/or play. They might as well be saying, "We'll frolic and play, the sweatshop child way", since they're not making any sense anyway. And since when do Eskimos have their own 'WAY' of doing it. Do they frolic and play differently than the rest of us? Is there something I'm missing?
Because I'm just not getting it and obviously the rest of you are...
It's going to be a long month.
RSM knows all the words to "Auld Lang Syne" as well and she doesn't get it, either. Archives