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Your Kids Are Cute, But....... by Rockstar Mommy
It's that time of year again. Malls are packed, highways are parking lots, checking accounts emptied, finance charges rolling over, drunken Santa Clauses with flasks under their beards ringing bells in our faces, jolly fucking yule tide greetings stuffed down our throats in commercials by way of Macy's cashmere cardigans on sale, and Christmas cards pouring in stuffed with pictures of every one's kids from our best-friend's neighbor's nieces, to Great-Aunt Gertie's poodles. Seriously, I'm sure your kids are great, but you do realize that everyone that is opening these cards to see pictures of your kids are rolling their eyes because not only is it probably the eleventy-billionth picture of random children we have received but also because WE ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOUR CHILDREN LOOK LIKE. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about showing off my children. But I refuse to do so at Christmas time because I can just hear the eye rolls they will be receiving as I stamp the envelopes. And the childless engaged or newlywed couples who send the photos of themselves all gorgeous and tanned with genuinely unforced smiles on their faces, sitting on some magical tropical island with margaritas in each hand? Even worse than the collection of pictures of other people's kids we receive are those annoying family newsletters that one (or maybe two, poor you!) person has to send out every single year to go on at length in some less than witty rhyming diatribe about how their year went. Seriously, it's nothing personal. I probably like you. Maybe not, but probably. And I'm probably happy for you. I'm sure it's great that you bought a brand new house with a kitchen the size of Time's Square, and that your husband got a promotion at work, and oh! look at that, Little Timmy is playing hockey this year and Sara lost a tooth. Wow. Compelling stuff. I just find it funny how you neglected to mention that time your teenage son stole your car in the middle of the night last August to buy some pot from an undercover cop or how your 15 year old's barely legal MySpace account is bringing in nearly 10,000 hits a day and mainly from the state penitentiary! You must be so proud. No, really. That's the kind of newsletter I want to read. I don't want to hear about your brand new Beamer because all it does is remind me that no matter how cool I want to look while driving, I will have to purchase vehicles that are sensible and have multi-passenger seating until I am 43 years old. Thank you for rubbing in my face that none of our vehicles have been washed since summer broke and that even if we were parked in a spot where the sun could set around it, it wouldn't because it would get swallowed whole by the classic Pig-Pen ring of dust. No, really! You've put me in such a wonderful, jolly mood. So, please, I'm begging. Stop sending pictures, stop sending newsletters. Just pick up the phone. Or better yet, get a blog. Rock Star Mommy does not want your naked photos, either.
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Don't even get me started on you, you assholes. Thank you for reminding me what a three ring circus my life is, that I haven't waxed my eyebrows in over 3 months, that my legs are so pale you can almost see through my skin to the bone, and that I perpetually have snot or Kraft macaroni and cheese smears on me somewhere. Thank you for reminding me that my husband and I will not get to take a vacation alone together on an island for the next 17 or so years, that the only places we will get to go will have to include the words Land, Mountain, Park, or Water in the title. Thank you!
Stumble It!
Comments
"Rock Star Mommy does not want your naked photos, either."
Oh yes I do! :P
Posted by: rsm | December 21, 2006 7:50 AM
Ummm, when you get my card...shake it out first, then disregard its contents....just warnin'
Posted by: Mad Mom | December 21, 2006 10:59 AM
HAHA! No, I'm keeping it and I will use it in my voodoo rituals.
Posted by: rsm | December 21, 2006 11:01 AM
oh, but I'll take naked photos over stupid snotty kids ANY day!!
I think I'll send the Xmas Closet picture next year, a shot of every nasty overstuffed messy dirty closet in my home. THAT's real life.
ORRRR..perhaps the rotting veggies in the fridge?
Hmm, our Gargage is humorous also. I could stick a Santa hat on the rusting radiators awaiting the kitchen remodeling for when we find an extra $150K....
I know I know, RSM you have no idea (OCD you) what these things are.... : )
(plus, 'round here - dirt is a sign of PRIDE on the vehicles...so sometimes I do fit in...xxoo)
Posted by: HeidiChick | December 21, 2006 11:08 AM
Aw, I kind of like Christmas letters. Then again, that's probably because I don't get any. :-P
Posted by: Heather | December 21, 2006 11:14 AM
I wrote about this on your site's comments, and I have to reiterate how much I HATE newsletters. And stupid pictures of people I don't like and their kids sitting underneath an ugly Christmas tree. Yeah, that's what I want to clutter up my junk drawer. I sound evil, I know, but if I wouldn't talk to the person on the street, I certainly don't want to hear about your bourgeois life and perfect little babies (since most likely you are miserable with your life and your kids are shitheads).
Anyway, stop sending the newsletters, people! Although, they do make good firewood.
Posted by: Snickrsnack Katie | December 21, 2006 11:25 AM
We usually get two letters a year. One I don't mind, because it's from my husband's cousin who lives pretty far away from, and we don't really know. This way, we keep up on the gossip (kind of). One I get from my "friend" who never calls me. So that one just kind of pisses me off.
Posted by: Kait | December 21, 2006 11:44 AM
Errrm, I'm one of the couples that sent pictures out last year :P
Posted by: bex | December 21, 2006 12:11 PM
I don't mind the pic cards but my feeling on Christmas cards in general is, if the only time I hear anything from you is when I get your Christmas card once a year, do me a favor and don't even bother. Then I don't have to feel guilty and feel like I have to send one back, creating a never ending circle of Christmas card sending.
Break the Christmas card chain!
Posted by: Ernie | December 21, 2006 12:27 PM
Okay, I agonized over if I should send one of these stupid letters this year. I even called all my friends and polled them-- tacky or no? in the end, i did send one out but only because we have had so many people be so generous to us and the triplets and I felt like I am obligated to keep them updated. I tried to keep it down to basics- no bragging and only sent to people I knew wanted it. But you know if I sent you one you'd love it. XOXO
Posted by: kim de kimblahg | December 21, 2006 12:29 PM
I used to get a card from a friend of mine who insisted on including a picture of her entire family dressed in matching red and white outfits. I once commented on how they truly looked like they were carved out of cream cheese.
She no longer sends me a card.
Posted by: Brandi | December 21, 2006 1:59 PM
Kim, you're an exception with those children running 'round your house like a zoo! Of course you have to keep people updated. And I'm guessing yours would include the car-stealing incident (not that your precious angels will ever do such a thing! :P ), so I'd be happy to get one :P
Posted by: rsm | December 21, 2006 2:00 PM
Crap. I was going to send you a newsletter detailing how my darling little cross-stitch is progressing and how my yard is dying even though it gets watered religiously and how the hamster is getting progressively crazier and crazier and how I had to wear boyshorts to the tanning salon.
And then I realized I have a blog.
Posted by: steen | December 21, 2006 2:04 PM
I've never been the newsletter type cuz I, like steen, figure that I have a blog! My parents however, included me in their last newsletter. My god. Tirzah got married and has a little girl...blah blah blah. I don't think she's sent any out the last couple year thanksfully.
Posted by: Tirzah | December 21, 2006 2:56 PM
I didn't send out pictures this year. My kids are teenagers and I think it's just awkward looking to send out a picture of two kids who are obviously trying to PRETEND they like each other for about five minutes. Now I'm getting calls from relatives complaining they didn't get a picture this year.
Hello? You know my address? The house about four blocks from yours? You want to see what they look like so bad, stop over some time.
And I HATE HATE HATE adults who send out pics of themselves on Christmas. Especially if they are wearing matching sweaters.
Posted by: michele | December 21, 2006 6:06 PM
My husband and I don't have any kids, and I certainly do not send out an annual newsletter to announce my accomplishments (tacky indeed!). This year I did, however, send the most awesome photo greeting card with a fabulous photo of my freaking fabulous cat.
Ya got a problem with that?
I'm guessing that sending pics of one's pets might be the worst sin of all ... but most people who know me probably expect this sort of thing.
Posted by: irises | December 21, 2006 11:04 PM
"Rock Star Mommy does not want your naked photos, either."
But we want Rock Star Mommy's naked photos.
Just sayin'
kisses,
jimbo
Posted by: jimbo | December 22, 2006 8:29 AM
Check out this xmas letter for laughs
http://www.therandommuse.com/trm/
Posted by: Ashley | December 22, 2006 4:40 PM
I do not think I have actually received the written-snail-mail version of the "letter", but... I have the blessing of the emailed version on many occasions. Nothing like a holiday update sent to EVERONE in someones cyber-address book. Me and the people from the Target mailings are just SO.DARN.LUCKY!!
Posted by: Kathy | January 4, 2007 4:23 PM