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A Pirate's Life For Me
by The Pirate
Please welcome another new writer at FTTW - The Seismic Pirate!
Well. Here I am at my new home and the first thing I notice is the fucking noise! My old home was awful quiet and this place is full of all sorts of people, topics and moods. It reminds of an apartment building I once lived in. I’ve read some great stuff here already and see I that I might end up the FTTW equivalent of the creepy uncle who smells like cabbage, but I’m cool with that. Come over here and pull my finger….
That’s right. I’m currently hangin’ tight on a ship at sea. A self-styled pirate, I make my living at sea and can be found at any given time just about anywhere in the world. I spend a little more than half my life at sea and the remaining time in a little, back woods village north of the 45th parallel, holed up with the wife and kids and a few good friends. There, I prefer to kill, and then eat large, indigenous mammals, washed down with a robust Mutlipulciano, or possibly the firm tannins of a Syrah, which, in truth should do more justice to wild game.
As I explained to the good folks here at FTTW, until recently, I was content to be a small-time, anonymous blogger writing about the fuzz in my bellybutton (drugged up and bedridden after shattering my sternum learning to snowboard last month), or perhaps the 6 foot-6 cook in lime green stretch pants and a hairnet who force-fed me deep-fried green beans on my last ship. Life was good until my present employer stumbled upon my site, forcing me to shut it down on the off chance I might have given away State Secrets like the brand of toilet paper used throughout our fleet, or the fact that the office dicks have a massage parlor operating in the building at their beck and call (lucky bastards). What you’ll get out of me here at FTTW is anybody’s guess…
Whatever, I’ll be a little more careful about the wherefores and whatnots of my top secret business and stick to the piratey bits like the exact amount of alcohol it took to make me puke my guts out in a flower pot sitting next to a 14 ft. stuffed grizzly bear, while blogging from an airport I can’t name, or that the sound of shrimp fucking interferes with my job. Shit, I probably shouldn’t mention that, but they were really getting busy today and I think some of my regular readers need an update on the horny, little bastards. Yes people, the shrimp are back, fucking like mad, and I am breakin out the pirate porn tonight. Shiver me timber…
But before I go, I need to clean up a few stray thoughts-
All you guys who popped in here from the pirate’s old hideout? That place is dead and gone, but I might post a few oldies but goodies, just to get the folks here up to speed. Maybe I’ll try to burn out Q1’s eyes with my bellybutton again, or outline my business venture with the good Barrister Richard Wilson from Dakar, Senegal cause guess what? He replied. Honest.
I tend to stay away from current events unless something really pisses me off, or really makes me want to puke. This topic has managed to elicit both reactions, since it WON’T GO AWAY…
Wednesday, February 7th, 2007, Raymond S. Aubin died. He wasn't famous. He never posed in Playboy. I sure he wasn't even considered. He didn't abuse drugs, or jerk off an ancient billionaire for few months just to get a shot at his loot. He didn't have an impressive set of tits and never lost 240 pounds in three months by shooting Trimspa and speedballs for breakfast. He also didn't have children so he could fuck them up by being a drug-addicted, sorry-ass excuse of a mother.
Point of fact: I don't even know who he is. I pulled his name from the online edition of my hometown newspaper. I didn't know her either, but I figure chances are he earned having his name in print by being a decent father/husband/son/uncle/friend and soldier, unlike the pathetic loser that wasted every god-given thing she ever had, especially her children. To those who say she had a tough life and I’m just a cold-hearted piece of shit, I’ll bet my left nut that his life was tougher.
Raymond S. Aubin, 12/26/21 – 2/07/07 R.I.P.
Finally, I owe Travis the opportunity to rape and pillage the port of his choice for suggesting FTTW. I think I’m gonna like it here once I find a place to hang my sword and eye patch.
The pirate has been tried many times, but never convicted.
Oh, thank GAWD you are back up and running!!!
I was getting desperate!!
Posted by: Drunk Drama Queen | February 13, 2007 1:34 AM
Oh, thank GAWD you are back up and running!!!
I was getting desperate!!
Posted by: Drunk Drama Queen | February 13, 2007 1:39 AM
/god that sounded cheesy..
Posted by: turtle | February 13, 2007 1:50 AM
Hoorah! A Pirate's blog reading life for me!!! So glad to have you back!
and i totally agree about the raymond aubin thing. may he rest in peace.
Posted by: Macoosh | February 13, 2007 5:49 AM
Welcome to FTTW!
Umm...prepare to be boarded!
(I know I promised no cheesy pirate lines....)
Posted by: michele | February 13, 2007 6:17 AM
It's alright guys, there are no new pirate jokes.
Posted by: Dan | February 13, 2007 7:18 AM
Ahoy, Matey! (yeah, so that was cheesy... so sue me already, I aint had my coffee yet!)
boy am I glad yer back! I was in some serious pirate-post withdrawal! Ack!
Posted by: Kat in GA: A Soldiers' Angel | February 13, 2007 9:00 AM
Welcome matey! Psst...the valium's hidden in the Bible. Nobody ever looks there.
Posted by: Uber | February 13, 2007 9:09 AM
I'm sure there are many clever (and not) poop deck jokes to be made, but I'm not making them.
Welcome to the club.
And yet another Georgia resident stops by to comment. Between posters and commentors, we're taking over.
Posted by: Cullen | February 13, 2007 9:38 AM
Even though it goes against all my ninja sensibilities, I heartily extend a welcome to you.
And what's up with all the Georgians ? When will we finally see the Philly love we so deserve ?
Posted by: thefinn | February 13, 2007 9:57 AM
You crusty Pirate wino Its good to see yur font again
I was really sad when I couldnt find you, Keep under the radar, And some day repost the Altered friends on the sailing tour Epic
Posted by: fyremandoug | February 13, 2007 10:38 AM
Thx all the pirate god's yer back and me would follow yer writings straight into hell if need be. Been having serious withdrawal here without having Pirate to read. The symptons can now go away!!! WHOOT!!!!
Glad ya found port to dock that carcus of yers to write. As for them damn shrimp!!!!!! Damn in me next life me is comin back as a shrimp oh yes!!! Get to do the dirty boogie for hours at a time and mess up you pirates and yer ships at the same time!!!!
Posted by: NewfiesWoman | February 13, 2007 11:29 AM
...so glad you are back. I was starting to get nervous. :)
Posted by: ~crazy peanut~ | February 13, 2007 11:45 AM
mmpphh. you guys get up to damn early. need shower and coffee.
Cullen, if Georgians are anything like Kat, you guys will take over the world, soon.
morning everyone. uhg.
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 12:13 PM
Glad to be reading you again.
Posted by: LeeAnn | February 13, 2007 1:05 PM
[insert pirate reference here]
And yes, it's true - the inmates ARE running the asylum.
Posted by: Deb | February 13, 2007 2:44 PM
Hey Pirate!! I made it over to check out the new digs. Looks like it's going to be great. Can't wait to see what all you come up with.
Posted by: Jay | February 13, 2007 5:28 PM
Hey my comment didn't show up! Or at least I don't see it. Are comments moderated? I guess I'll find out.
Posted by: Jay | February 13, 2007 5:30 PM
OK, I just finished my 11th cuppa joe and I am now fully awake.
-To my new FTTW Inmates, thank you and I'm pleased to be here unless I get fired for reading too many of your archives.
Q2, Kat, Macoosh, Doug, Newfie and Peanut-It's good to see you guys!! Thanks for poppin in:)
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 5:34 PM
As a pirate do you often employee many seamen on your poop-deck?
ahh, that felt good.
Posted by: Travis | February 13, 2007 7:14 PM
and to think I resisted the temptation to end the last paragraph in article with
"..despite the fact that a Cobalt looks like an ass-dart."
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 7:35 PM
Just because I haven't said this in a long time......
Posted by: drunk drama queen | February 13, 2007 7:45 PM
I'm glad that you've found an outlet here after the loss of yon pirate blog...
but dude SEAMEN ON THE POOP DECK is some funny shit.
and my cobalt rules you butt thumper.
Posted by: Travis | February 13, 2007 8:06 PM
I was actually awed by that remark and plan on stealing it.
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 8:20 PM
-there's so little original pirate humor left in the world, I wish I was an astronaut.
Wait, scratch that-I saw the Fox News Headline, "Lust in Space", so that's used up, as well.
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 8:26 PM
We can't make jokes like, "The ship has herpes," without a pirate around.
Posted by: Cullen | February 13, 2007 9:23 PM
Holy goat ass Pirate, you're back! Time to break out the KY and warn the sheep.
Posted by: Q1 | February 13, 2007 9:30 PM
so, you have internet on the ship, eh? Interesting.
Posted by: shawna | February 13, 2007 9:32 PM
He's baaack! I'll just stay about 10 ft away from you since Q1 gave you the KY & a sheep as a housewarming gift.
I hope your new friends here don't find us completely insane. Just a tad bit (lots) jaded. Can't wait to see you rock n' roll Pirate!
Posted by: barista grazioso | February 13, 2007 9:47 PM
Thanks Shawna, it's damn fine to be here. I connect to my own little satillite system and intranet and from there, to the Internet. I can surf for midget porn from anywhere in the world, quite possibly making me the king of midget porn surfing.
Q1-I've had a tube of KY warmng in my back pocket for the last hour. Crew-x happens at 3am tonight.
Ah, my good Barista. Welcome and hola! Post is in the mail, I swear. Not.
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 10:20 PM
we don't find anyone completly insane.
we are FTTW.
The Wu Tang Clan of the internet
Posted by: turtle | February 13, 2007 10:49 PM
Yeah. Everyone here is whacked. I say that in the most loving way.
Posted by: shawna | February 13, 2007 10:55 PM
I've noticed-you guys kept me in stitched half my shit what with nerdy ho's and math labs.
Call me Tonto Goldstein, but I'm really gonna have fun here, I think.
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 11:09 PM
OK, i've slept 2 hrs in the last 48 and cannot type any longer:(
Posted by: Pirate | February 13, 2007 11:14 PM
Pirate - welcome to the asylum, and it looks like you brought along a wonderful bunch of your very own lunatics - how cool!
Posted by: Pat | February 14, 2007 12:06 AM
Welcome back! Can you tell you were sorely missed?
Wishing you ALL THE BEST i n your travels today.
Posted by: Freddie | February 14, 2007 6:01 AM
Whew! I found you. That guy wrote back?? I'm dying to hear what he said. I miss your old blog, but I'm happy to see you have a new home!!!
Posted by: Blondie | February 14, 2007 7:39 PM
Oh Pirate~~ plz plz take it easy on Crew X... They not used to the new place so break um in GENTLY plz??
If for no other reason then as a favor for me? :) :) ;)
Posted by: newfieswoman | February 15, 2007 7:56 PM
I'm so happy we dint have to use our scimitars and such to settle scores. I always break the rum bottles with the damn thing.
Welcome back, Pirate!
Posted by: Kim | February 16, 2007 5:40 PM