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the man whisperer
by Kali Pornia
as i type this i'm sitting at my new job nearly alone me and the boss and his boss are here but that's about it. the university had planned to open at 10:30 but i decided to come in regular time to see if i could help out. you see i work for plant operations. you probably don't know what the fuck plant operations does at a university but we make shit run.
and when shit breaks, we fix it.
so now that we've have some snow and tons of ice, we're fixing shit all over the place... pipes break, elevators stop working, heat shuts off, etc ad infinitum. oh ya also we have a grounds crew. and they're responsible for snow removal.
so i get here at 730 everybody is duly impressed i'm making a great impression when the university decides to close. which means all non-essential staff gets a day off.
now i'm not an "essential employee" but the dude who is the essential employee got his car stuck on the way here. so guess who's been temporarily promoted to essential. ya. and it's valentine's day. which used to not be such a big deal. like michele said earlier in the week, i used to hate valentines day. now i'm a mush monger. it's really fucking gross actually.
he dropped by my work earlier with a dozen roses. i don't think i've even gotten a dozen roses before. oh ya, shit i forgot! there was that time when i got 16 sweetheart roses for my sixteenth birthday. but those were from my 19 year old sister's 24 year old ex-boyfriend. (reads like a jerry springer show title, doesn't it?)
other than that i've always tried to be the cool girlfriend that doesn't need too much, doesn't want to much, is easy to talk to, and likes sports. you know, the kind that says "flowers suck because they die -- don't waste your money -- diamonds are stupid -- who needs a contract to say you love someone."
my good friend refers to such behavior as wanting to be "the man whisperer." you know, the one that's not like all the other girls. for years being the man whisperer worked for me. i got tons of dick with no strings attached. but recently, much like michele, something has changed inside of me. all of a sudden i like flowers. i like diamonds. getting married sounds romantic and sweet and damnit i LIKE TO BE HELD AFTER SEX!!!
there. i said it. i'm her. that girl. in fact i'm not afraid i always was that girl but was fully denying it until i got a boyfriend who did sweet things for me.
ah well, it was a good run...
but if i start saying shit like "camcorder" and "minivan" someone please shoot me....