There's Gold In Them Thar Hills
by Turtle Jones

This all started with the Discovery Channel, which we watch way too much of. But a couple of shows got us thinking about things we would like to do before we kick the bucket, or at least before we get too old to have the energy to kick a bucket.

Turtle gets crabby:

So I have been watching a lot of daytime TV lately. I know it is a problem, but it calls to me. Trust me, I can feel this coming on like an addiction. But what can I do? I get home late and wake up early. Live my life in a half assed fog trying to get from one place to another never looking down. So when I do phase out, I turn on the TV and watch the Discovery Channel. That is when my dreams come up to me and grab me in the ass like a bad bowl of chili. I know my life isn't over and there are still things I want to do. I live trying to do things that other people just think about doing. It's worked for me so far. Albeit I have a rack of addictions now but that just comes along with the game. But I feel that the human life must be explored. "Fuck it" is a lifestyle and not a choice. I never asked to be what I am. I just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Gaint_King_Crab_1991.jpgSo this brings me to what I want to do next and surprisingly, the Discovery Channel has thrown this pie on my plate. At around 11 or so in the morning, they show a program that calls to me. Something I need to do.

Alaskan King Crab fisherman! See, this is the gig. Make up to $100,000 for five days work. That's right. Five days work. No experience needed. Just show up and get the Captain drunk and you are on. Yo ho ho motherfucker. I am gonna be a Crab fisherman. Or a Crabman. Or better yet, a CRABBER.

So what if it is the most dangerous job there is? So what that you die in under two minutes if you hit the water. I figure that if I just don't fall in the water, I will be keeping out of that statistic. I'm smart like that. So I have decided by this time next year, I will have been an Alaskan King Crab fisherman for the five day crabbing season. Savor the moment and fuck the memories. Give me a steel pod and some frozen smelt for bait! Daddy needs a new car!

Think about it. I could get a new nickname! Turtle will become a thing of the past as I acquire a new name that more closer resembles what I do on the ship. "Smokey" or "Smart Ass." Really, I don't care what nickname I get as long as it isn't "That New Guy We All Gang Raped When We Got Bored."

Any other name than that and I would be cool.

I don't think I will be taking along a computer so I won't be able to communicate with you guys. They say the biggest challenge of being a crabber is the fatigue. I guess staying up five days is something hard for these guys to do. Back in the day, I would stay up for a week just for fun. Well, not fun, but you know what I mean. Sometimes it just happens. But I figure that these guys will know what I am talking about when I say that I have seen a few weeks go by without sleeping. Sucks that since I don't do speed anymore, I might be the slow man on board. A boat full of tweaked out fishermen might not seem like the ideal job but as I say, fuck it. How many other people can work five days out of the year and clear $100,000? I mean I need to be realistic and realize that my dreams of stardom will probably never materialize and the only way I am going to be remember is if I take out a bunch of kids with an AK-47 so if I ain't going to be remembered, I might as well be rich.

Michele has some issues with the danger and risks of me doing this but I kinda have a feeling she will shut the trap when I buy her something chicks dig. Like a car or maybe some shiny things. Chicks dig shiny things. So I figure I'll get her something like that and by the time she realizes it, I'll be a CRABBER!

Plus it is only five days of the year. I mean jeez. It is only five days.

Then I can work on my next dream.

Building a house made entirely of TV's!

Gotta chase your dreams, baby. - T

Michele sees the light:

shatner.jpgWhat do I still want to do with my life? Hell, I don't think I've really done most of what I want to do yet, so I have a lot of crap to do in a short amount of time. Not like I'm dying or anything, but it's not like I'm still in my 20s either. Or 30s. Got a long way to go and a short time to get there. And somewhere along the line, I have to teach someone that "trap" is not proper nomenclature, and using it in that manner will only result in someone putting Ex-Lax in your Hamburger Helper. Talk about opening the traps up....


1. The top thing on my list of "Stuff to do before you die" is see the Northern Lights. I know there are parts of the states I can see them in, and parts of Canada, but I want to see them in Norway. I don't know why, it's this fantasy trip I've had since I was little. I know I'll get to do this some day; Turtle has already been to Norway and promised we'd get there some day. But I don't know if the whole Northern Lights experience will be as thrilling for him as it will be for me. I imagine the phenomenon just isn't as amazing to someone who is color blind. Maybe if I give him some acid first........

2. Conquer my fears. This means swimming out in the middle of the ocean without freaking out, standing on top of a tall struture without peeing my pants in fear, getting in an airplane for a trip longer than three hours without pulling a William Shatner.

3. Write a book, publish the book, become famous, appear on Oprah, gutpunch her, become a pariah in the publishing industry,0_100_1905.jpg have my book made into a movie, appear on Jay Leno, gutpunch him, become a pariah in Hollywood but a hero in my hometown.

I'll settle for just having the book published. Even if the only person who buys it is sleeping with me.

4. Drive a zamboni. Even if this means having to get shitfaced drunk at an Islander game one nigh to work up my courage to run out onto the ice in between periods and knock the zamboni driver unconcious. I don't know how many times I'd get around the ice before they stopped me, but just be assured that when I am riding that thing, I will be yelling YEEEEEHA the whole time.


What about you guys? What do you want to do before your kids are changing your diaper in some smelly hospital room?


Travel: All sorts of places. I've wanted to see New Zealand since I read "Friday." Ireland, of course. Scotland, of course. Been to Germany. Rome for at least 2 weeks. Paris just for the Louvre, so...maybe a week. New York City on a Broadway tour. See all the big shows in a week...just got to pick the right week.

Sing "Take me out to the ballgame" in the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley during a DAY game. Which means I have to become somewhat famous...damn.

Climb to the top of one of the antennas on Sear's Tower and just look around...maybe base jump off it if I have knees left.

Have a book published. There's one bouncing around my head, I've got pieces-parts. Make the time to actually outline the freaking story.

Hike the Grand Canyon with my family.

Go down the Mississippi on a raft. Start in Minnessota and end in New Orleans.


Go into space, no-grav sex AND put a buzz on.

Watch my children grow into whoever they are going to be.

Live in the mansion my children are going to buy me.

Be a dirty old man.

Learn to play the freakin guitar before arthritis sets in, dammit!


Oh yeah-Turtle? I just spent a season working just north of the crabbers in the Chukchi Sea. It was freakin nasty and my ship was nearly sunk in a storm. We barely limped back to Dutch Harbor, where a shot of Grey Goose runs 12 bucks at the hotel bar. Have fun...


Pirate, Turtle lives in his own little Turtle Land. Let him believe that crabbing is all guts and glory and gang sex.

I'll have him tied up in the closet long before crab season, anyhow.


i want to go to dutch harbor........


I got your dutch harbor right here.


Ahh, Dutch Harbor pretty much stinks. Except for the whales.
and the seals. And the lonely women everywhere. and the filthy-rich crabbers buying drinks for everybody. yep.


i want to be a filty rich crabber

imma packing for this years season


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