Failte To The Magic Midgets
by Dan Greene

Well here we go. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Paddy’s Day is just around the corner. Get to the liquor store and stock up on beer and whiskey. Because green beer at the bar is for LOSERS.

Fucking green beer. A blasphemy combining disrespect for the Irish culture with disrespect for pints of all colours. Just say no to green beer… and go shoot some Jamesons.

Many would say that Paddy’s Day is another version of Valentine’s Day, just another day for a group of people to spend money. And a lot of the Irish would tell you the same. Nevertheless, it’s celebrated.

green_beer.jpgOh, it’s celebrated alright, and then some. Particularly among strict Irish Catholics, who view it as the only legitimate break from Lent (Lent being an annual period of forty days when some Catholics punish themselves for being Catholic, as well as for the forty days that Jesus spent in the desert with himself in a way that most of us wouldn’t bother with), which means an excuse to party while commemorating Jesus’ self-imposed starvation.

So I bought myself a gift for the occasion. Leprechaun 1 through 6 on DVD. What a waste of fucking money. Because you know what these movies are like, right? The first one is more silly than scary, and they get progressively worse. That shit is right up my alley, I can’t wait to get into it.

It got me thinking how leprechauns aren’t really that scary to begin with. Kind of strange that they’d bother making a horror movie about a leprechaun, not to mention six. And that got me thinking about other shit in horror movies that are supposed to be scary, but don’t make it for one reason or another.

Creepshow 2
When I think of unscary shit in horror movies, the first phrase to come to mind is “wooden feet”. Creepshow 2 is made up of several short stories; the first one involves a wooden cigar store Indian that comes to life to get revenge on the young thug that killed its store owner. Yeah, great premise. Even better special effects. When that wooden Indian started to move I almost, I almost woke up. The best part of all is when the wood man is creeping along in the dark, stalking his target. Suspenseful music is playing and the camera focuses on his wooden feet, moving ever so slowly and gently across the floor. You know how Indians walk when they hunt, right? It’s legendary. That’s what they’re trying to tell you and it doesn’t work.
Actually running into the guy and getting my ass kicked by those wooden feet is not a nice idea at all, but it’s really unlikely. That shit just doesn’t happen. Zombies and vampires are things you should actually worry about, but nobody has nightmares about wooden Indians, before or after watching Creepshow 2.

Child’s Play
These are decent movies. I haven’t seen the third one in a long time and I’ve been meaning to check it out for a couple of months now. I haven’t seen the most recent one either, but Bride Of Chucky gave me exactly what I expected. But anyway, the first one.

Now, my hatred for Andy Barclay, the main kid character in the movie, is well documented. That kid sucks. He’s a little wank of a kid. But it always makes me feel good to say it again. Moving on. Chucky. Yeah, I know he’s a doll that’s been possessed by the spirit of a Satanic serial killer, but you know what? You just lost me at doll. He’s a fucking doll. He’s like, what, 18 inches high? Even if he’s armed with a knife, he’s an 18 inch high doll that weighs all of five pounds. Just kick the fucking thing, Jaysus.

Chopping Mall
One of the worst 80’s horror movies ever, and I don’t mean that in a good way at all. It’s pretty boring… that’s documented around here somewhere too. A group of teens party in a mall after it closes, and the robot security guards try to kill them. Fuck’s sake.

Okay, if I was chased by a robot security guard, a killbot, in real life then I’d probably shit myself. Just as if I was being chased by a cigar store Indian or a doll. But again, this stuff is unbelievable. It’s not like it’s werewolves or demons or anything.

Enough of this, I need to go see how scary a leprechaun can actually be. Not very scary at all, if I’m lucky.

Dan is lying when he says he is not afraid of short things.

Don't Go In There Archives


Leprechaun in the Hood!

The unscariest thing I've ever seen in a horror movie were the goblins in Troll 2.


How about the awful Puppet Master movies? Man, they were bad.



Love laughing at that movie.

Hey...I just realized, one of the bounty hunters in Critters plays Bob the Ghost in The Dresdan Files. Damn, only took a month to figure that out.


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