Failte To The Magic Midgets
by Dan Greene
Well here we go. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Paddy’s Day is just around the corner. Get to the liquor store and stock up on beer and whiskey. Because green beer at the bar is for LOSERS.
Fucking green beer. A blasphemy combining disrespect for the Irish culture with disrespect for pints of all colours. Just say no to green beer… and go shoot some Jamesons.
Many would say that Paddy’s Day is another version of Valentine’s Day, just another day for a group of people to spend money. And a lot of the Irish would tell you the same. Nevertheless, it’s celebrated.
Oh, it’s celebrated alright, and then some. Particularly among strict Irish Catholics, who view it as the only legitimate break from Lent (Lent being an annual period of forty days when some Catholics punish themselves for being Catholic, as well as for the forty days that Jesus spent in the desert with himself in a way that most of us wouldn’t bother with), which means an excuse to party while commemorating Jesus’ self-imposed starvation.
So I bought myself a gift for the occasion. Leprechaun 1 through 6 on DVD. What a waste of fucking money. Because you know what these movies are like, right? The first one is more silly than scary, and they get progressively worse. That shit is right up my alley, I can’t wait to get into it.
It got me thinking how leprechauns aren’t really that scary to begin with. Kind of strange that they’d bother making a horror movie about a leprechaun, not to mention six. And that got me thinking about other shit in horror movies that are supposed to be scary, but don’t make it for one reason or another.
Now, my hatred for Andy Barclay, the main kid character in the movie, is well documented. That kid sucks. He’s a little wank of a kid. But it always makes me feel good to say it again. Moving on. Chucky. Yeah, I know he’s a doll that’s been possessed by the spirit of a Satanic serial killer, but you know what? You just lost me at doll. He’s a fucking doll. He’s like, what, 18 inches high? Even if he’s armed with a knife, he’s an 18 inch high doll that weighs all of five pounds. Just kick the fucking thing, Jaysus.
Okay, if I was chased by a robot security guard, a killbot, in real life then I’d probably shit myself. Just as if I was being chased by a cigar store Indian or a doll. But again, this stuff is unbelievable. It’s not like it’s werewolves or demons or anything.
Enough of this, I need to go see how scary a leprechaun can actually be. Not very scary at all, if I’m lucky.