It's Just A Flesh Wound
by Kali Pornia

today i'm sick and ignoring it so i thought i would talk about all the times i was sick and ignored it and it turned into something way bigger than it should've been. ever done that? well i'm hoping that won't happen this time, so i'm writing this as sort of a preemptive nyah nyah you can't turn into pneumonia unwittingly because i called it first... ya i like to trick the sickness. can you do that?
so ya i just took care of my sick boyfriend for three days feeling oh so superior because i haven't been sick all winter and he's been sick two or three times. i get ego from the weirdest places. like ha ha my bio-defense system is so much better than yours ahahaha. ya so now there's this green and brown gook lunging from my nostrils everytime i blow my nose. i think i'll be fine. he told me i should stay home from work today and i came back with the "that's not an option" routine. heh. fucking hell if i haven't turned into my father...

so today i'm going to talk about those time when you get a pebble in your shoe and you ignore it and shove motrin down your throat until someone comes up to you and asks why you have one red shoe on and your all like "dude that's BLOOD." heh. oh, you don't do that? shit. anyway...

i went to mardi gras one february. i didn't take my boyfriend because dude, uh you don't take your boyfriend to mardi gras. so he shipped me off with a cardboard heart filled with candy hearts and fat joints for valentines day and off i drove to show my titties to the world. (how i found such loving people while i was trashing my life is beyond me.) on or about day 3 of a 7 day run i'm squatting in an alley to pee when a cop that looks kinda like meatloaf comes running after me yelling "you can't so that!" so i finish peeing as i pull up my pants... (there's no stopping the stream once it starts) and i set off at a trot to outrun the fat bearded OPP officer. (you down with OPP? ya you know me)

as i'm running and tugging on my pants i don't notice the curb and twist my ankle coming off of it. CRUNCH. oh shit that didn't sound good. ah well just keep running. i got away from the cop (no surprise) and was back at the batcave before i noticed how badly my ankle hurt. then it started to swell. but fuck that no twisted ankle is going to ruin my MADRI GRAS PARTY!!! i need to show my tits to fat kids for the FAT BEADS BAYBEE! see ya i was a little carried away. i mean i didn't eat anything but coffee and beer and liquor the whole week. ok and maybe one catfish poboy YUM.

19122.jpgone of the dudes at the batcave has just had knee surgery so he has the serious big motrin and says "take these it will take the swelling down." so.. add motrin to the diet and laissez les bon temps rouler boys! off i went to be completely wasted for the next four days. showing my tits to anyone with beads or a camera. (for years i had to turn the "girls gone wild in new orleans" commercials off when my dad was in the room for fear he'd see my little mug up there sweaty and nakid)

so ya i drive my best friend's car back to maryland because she's off on a mission to key west with the motrin guy and another dide we met in the big easy. when i get back home i think gee i should see a doctor for this ankle that is now three times it's normal size. sure enough. it's broken. been broken for four days. heh. but fuck if i didn't stick it out at mardi gras. some things are just more important than walking...damn ankle still hurts when it snows.

i guess i wait to tell you about the yukon jack night where i dislocated my shoulder falling up the stairs...

now it's your turn. what ailment have you ignored that turned out to haunt you???



Yukon Jack. ooog. Death in a bottle. I can't believe I used to actually drink that stuff on purpose.


"what ailment have you ignored that turned out to haunt you???" My Husband


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