Lipton Soup Mix
by Baby Huey
Michele wussed out last week and didn't give an intro cause I'd already written one. Well, now the shoe's on the other foot. Go read hers, I'm too tired for this shit.
Ten Quick Questions for your reading enjoyment:
- Who are you?
Baby Huey, FTTW's resident foodgeek and headbanger.
- Zombies - undead monstosity or the next logical step in human evolution?
What, can't it be both?
- Young Elvis or Fat Elvis?
Given my penchant for zombies AND polyester, I've gotta go fat elvis. Speaking as a fat guy, it makes me hopeful that someday *I* can die on the terlet.
- If you were a superhero, what would your name be?
Gasman. I have the ability to direct my vaporous emissions with laser precision and missile-like strength.
- You are the last man on earth, and it is your job to perpetuate the human race, whether you like it or not. Your choice of potential mates is between Wonder Woman, the Bionic Woman, Super Girl or Hilary Clinton. Which one do you choose?
Oh man, that's tough. Super Girl. I'd turn her into Super Woman.
- What was your first car?
a 1987 GMC S-15 Sierra pickup. It didn't have a grill -- rather, the collapsed box from a case of Busch Light. The hood release didn't work. It didn't have a stereo. It was FUCKING BEIGE, and was obviously painted by hand, because you could see the brush strokes. It got me so much booty, and by so much booty, I mean absolutely no booty.
- If you were going to show me around your city/town, where's the first place you would take me?
We'd probably go to Chapel Hill to make fun of the yuppie pricks that hang out there. Then we'd go to downtown Durham and actually drink at the cool bars that the preppy white kids from UNC and Duke are too scared to go to because *gasp* they're in downtown Durham.
- What's the last album you bought?
Bloodjinn's This Machine Runs on Empty ... they're a local band and I really enjoy their work.
- Do you have an arch enemy? Would you like one?
Anyone driving 5 mph under the speed limit in front of me just made an enemy for life.
- What's the title of the movie they are going to make about your teenage years?
Bio-Dome 2: Josh's room. I swear I didn't leave it for like 5 years.
Now, I want you fair readers to make me a promise. If you ever find out that I'm going to be on Inside the Actor's Studio, I want you to fucking kill me, because I'm obviously a pod person here to take over the planet. If, however, you're interested what I'd actually say, here are the answers to those stupid douchey questions James Lipton asks.
- What is your favorite word?
My favorite word is duty. Cause, I mean, it sounds like "doody."
- What is your least favorite word?
Myself. It's way way Way WAY overused. Allow myself to introduce ... myself.
- What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
Necrotising Fasciitis always gets my motor running.
- What turns you off?
"Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band. No doubt.
- What is your favorite curse word?
Twunt. Part twat, part cunt, all awesome.
- What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of a guitar turned up to 11 and just wailing like a motherfucker.
- What sound or noise do you hate?
My goddamn neighbors' stupid fucking ghetto blaster stereos. Fuckin douchefaucets.
- What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I really want to open a butcher shop when I retire.
- What profession would you not like to do?
Jizz-mopper is probably not as much of a dream job as it sounds.
- If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Well, we've got all the metal you can listen to, and if you press this button here, you can watch Jerry Fallwell being sodomized with a railroad tie in hell whenever you want. It's as much fun as you think it is.
Now you know ... the rest of the story. -BH