I Could Make A Mint
by Ernie Williams

Recently my Wife showed me an article in the paper about a local person who had written a children’s book and it was so successful, this person was able to quit their regular job and is now driving around in a very cool car, like a Porsche 911 or something.

Now, my kids are all five years old and under, so let me tell you, I’m either reading or listening these children’s books a lot and it does not seem to me that it would take a lot of effort to write one of these things. In fact, it seems to me that writing a children’s book would be a piece of cake.

Drawing124.jpgI go around all day making up silly rhymes and stuff like that to keep the kids entertained, and thus, I have decided to create a collection of my wonderfully charming and cute stories and rhymes for children. Can you say easy money? Oh yeah!

Here are a few examples:

For a one year old:

(In a happy, laugh-y voice)

Well my name is [child’s name] and I am one!

Come-on with me, and we’ll have some fun!!

I’m very, very busy, there’s lots to do!

So come on with me, and I’ll show you!

Pretty damn good don’t you think? Don’t steal that one because that’s going in my children’s collection.

Here’s a nice story I came up with:

This is a puppy. He says ‘Woof!’

Can you say, ‘Woof’?

Here is a fishy.

Glub, glub, glub.

Hi fishy!

Here is a cute little baby! Just like you!

Hi baby!

Dudes and ladies, this is like printing money here. The stuff on this site is all copyrighted and all that so don’t even think about stealing any of this.

Next, for bath-time:

(In a silly voice)

Wash your elbows and your nose and your knees and your toes

And your arms and your blarms and your farms and your yarms.

I know. Genius. I am good at this. I can’t help it. It just comes naturally. It’s a natural gift that I have.


(Sung to the tune of The Farmer in the Dell)

The dog ate the grass, the dog ate the grass,

children_drawings_vampire.jpgHi-ho, the derry-o, the dog at the grass.

And then he threw up, then he threw up!

Hi-ho the derry-o, the dog just threw up.

Can you believe this stuff? It just comes to me, with hardly any effort.

Yes, I know. Amazing.

Here’s one I came up with the other day at dinner:

(make up your own tune)

Ohhhhhhh, booogers! They are my favorite things!

They’re so easy to find just do a little digging!

When I’m waiting for my snack, or just feeling hun-gry

I’ll just go for a booger or two. It’s so ea-sy!

And that is just a small sample my friends. I’ve got tons more where those came from. Any publishers out there, feel free to contact me through the site here. Let’s talk.

I figure I can do some wicked good drawings and stuff to go along with these too. Or, even better, I can get my daughter to do the drawings and that in and of itself is both charming and adorable.

So, to sum this all up, we’re talking mega-adorable children’s stories AND incredibly charming, cute and authentic child-drawn illustrations to accompany them. I really think that parents and kids will love this collection, don’t you?

[Extending thumb and pinky] Call me...

The End Zone Archives


I was reading a Highlights magazine the other day and I thought "damn, these poems were written by retarded monkeys.

Retarded monkeys who get PAID for this drivel."

So I started composing some children's poems for future publication.

But none of them are as good as your boogers songs.


Maybe we should do a collaboration!!

Cha-Ching! $$$$$$$$$$$$


Have you see the "No! David" books?

There's a surreal, scary quality to the artwork. I'd like to copy that feel exactly but add some dysfunctional family situations.

The wall in my room is not to color on, daddy says.

He says it with his fist.


Sometimes I fall down the stairs.

That's what mommy says to say.


Hot things can burn you.

But daddy says it makes you strong.


I bought No, David for my nephew, David.

I like the artwork in this book and I think it would be great for a children's book of this sort.


Um, yeah. oh-kaaaaaaay there...

Hey look over there! A robin!

{makes a quick exit}


Thanks for putting up the only thing that really scares the pirate-evil fucking clowns! I think that bastard lives in my basement:(


tsk tsk - blarms and yarms - at such a young age too!

I can see kids every where singing the booger song much to their parents displeasure!!

you should do a book and album of kids songs then you could make 2x as much!

Boogers for everyone!




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