we have a date with the underground, chapter 43
by Turtle Jones
Building building building building.
I am in building mode now. I go through different phases in my life and right now, I seem to be in a building mode. Give me a few hours and a TV and pretty soon I will get bored and find something new to do. I mean, I guess it was inevitable that this time would come. I work night shifts doing network shit so during the day, I am pretty blah. Reminds me some of my old days when I would sit around all day trying to stay as sober as possible before the show. Cept now I don't really try to stay sober. It is just there. The sobriety thing, that is.
So since I don't spend away my days drunk and high, what to do to kill the hours before work starts? The History Channel is great and all, but if I see one god damn more Alaskan King Crabbing show I am going to fucking kill the Gorton's Fisherman and go after his kids next. So I need something to do. Easy. I build. It's what I do. Give me five minutes and I will think of a way to build anything that looks cool and works. See, that's the difference between me and a tweaker. I can put things together. They just pull things apart. But what to build? And how many things have I built in the past?
Michele is good at remembering things like this for me. She listens to me talk in my sleep and quizzes me on shit I did ten years ago every morning. Sometimes I think she knows more about me than I do. So since I am coming to the end of my latest project, more on that later, I thought it would be a good time to go through some of the cool things I have built for bands. Cause let's face it. Bands are broke by nature and anything you can get for free is well...free. So what the fuck. Some of these are legal and some not so legal and I will shorten this list to things that worked after I built them. To make this list even shorter, Michele will remind me of things I have built. Cause lord knows, I can't even remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday.
So let's start this out.
Rule of thumb. You need a band house. A band house needs a big backyard free of any kind of pool like stuff in it. Maybe a broken grill. Some of those red 16 ounce cups floating around in the stomped down grass. Kiddie pools are only to be used inside the house to cool beer, so no kiddie pools outside. Get the picture?
So you need to build a stage there. Lumber is cheap as free is you go into any construction site. And it is also a fun family outing for the kids. Steal some wood and put that together in the backyard. Now your band house is almost complete. I always wondered what the neighbors thought when we started a project like this. Banging away at like three in the morning. At least we weren't selling drugs. I am getting off topic. Band houses also need a name. Something along the lines of what the house would be called if it was alive. One of my houses was an old whore house from the 60's so hence the name. The Whore House. Build a stage in that sucker and you got it rolling like JJ on Good Times.
Now I am way off track.
After you play on the stage for a little bit, some people in the band, read drummers, might notice that their stuff begins to slide when they hit the bass drum too hard. Slip slip slip. You need something that holds that back. Carpet is for pussies so you have to move up to something mean and made of concrete. Steal a local parking curb you say? No. Too long. But what if you cut one in half? And how do you do that, you ask?
As with all major remodeling and reconstruction sites, you need about two eight balls of dope and some tweaks. Much like Bob Vila needs Norm Abram, I need my tweakers and speed. Better than nails. Give them some dope and a hammer and soon enough, you have a small piece of curb that hold back the drums nicely while not busting your balls to lift. You need to give this curb a name also. Mine was called the Eradicator! a la KITH, but that is a different story.
So now all you need is medical tape and you have yourself a cool backyard with some cheap as free new things to break!
I've also built a lot of pieces for silk screening shirts and fliers, but I have to wait till Michele reminds me of how I did that to explain it more to you.
As for my new projects, which are almost done, I decided my room was too boring and needed some Go-Go dancers in cages hanging above my bed. So I went out and got a bunch of chicken wire and $0.99 Mexican made Barbies. These girls light up my life. Dancing away the nights while scaring anyone who looks at them.
Also, I needed some room for my CDs so I built a new CD rack. The first idea was a CD rack that was made up of entirly of Carlos Rossi wine jugs which would have been fucking cool. But, after much deliberation with Michele about how to get the empty wine jugs (yes there was a thought of asking FTTW to drink wine for Turtle and send the jugs to me.) I decided to go with naked dolls with their heads cut off.
Sure, it is a different look than what I was going for but what the hell. - T
(you can see the rest of the photos of the new projects as soon as michele's computer is fixed)