Rant 'n Roll
by Jazz Bass

weebl.jpgDiabetes Sucks but if you walk around for two decades being a pompous fat-ass, you deserve it. put down the ice cream and go for a walk, you weeble.

Speaking of fat, anyone that has the weight loss surgery and ISN'T bedridden or the size of robert earl hughes needs to be pummelled about the head and neck with a two by four for at least 45 seconds. (disclaimer: there is a segment of the population that truly can't help being huge and for them, this is a godsend. IF you look around your family and find a few regular sized people amongst your gene pool, think again. for the rest of us who got fat over the years, this is not the path. these aren't the droids you're looking for!)

if you can get up, go to work five days a week, pay your bills enough to where you hold the insurance to actually pay for such a procedure, you can PUT DOWN THE FORK AND GO FOR A WALK, YOU BLOATED IDJIT!

if you're piggybacking on a spouses insurance, then feh to you. double feh. i am attacking you(yes, you!) because i am a heartless bastard with no empathy for my fellow man and mostly because i've kept off over 130 lbs for 13+ years now.

oh my, says the bloated populace! however did you lose that much weight, richard the mean? they cry out for answers. "give us the panacea, slightly overweight man!!!" well, guess what? i ate less than i had been and i exercised by walking in place for no less than a half an hour and no more than an hour five to six days a week with not more than 2 days off in a row. WHAT????, they say. that's it? When a fellow fattie hears THAT gem o'information, their face falls, their shoulders fall and their entire demeanor changes because they thought there was another way.

why yes, virginia, there is another way. let's walk over here to the barnum museum of oddities and look at this exhibit: the american shit head! don't get too close, folks. you might lose a finger to it's gaping maw and ravenous appetite. beware the eyes that speak of self-pity. do not be led down the path towards "i couldn't help myself(to anything but another plate brimming with calories)." grrrr!

Look here, Fattie McEats-a-Lot, if you think cutting your stomach to the size of a dixie cup is the answer to the ten years of no self control that got you so huge your health is in danger, go right ahead. guess what? your mutilated stomach will STRETCH later and you'll wind up fat again because you never addressed the real issues.

here's how things work for most people. you get up, you take a shower, you take a crap, you wipe your butt(maybe!, i know when i was HUGE that act took some stretching before i went "jesus, even i don't hate myself this much!"). you go to work, you come home, you do it again.

if you can do that, if you can still waddle to the store and buy food or fit in your car to drive through a window and order 3 milkshakes with your triple hamburgers, you can EAT LESS AND GO FOR A FRIGGIN' WALK. (ah, vitriol, better than coffee!)

concious mutilation of your wonderful God-given digestive organ is indicative of several things. low self esteem & having given up on yourself (if there was ever a yourself to begin with) are no excuses to avoid hard work. how did you get so obese? did the fat fairy come and leave sugary treats under your pillow each night? NO! did the mayor of milkshakeville give you a reward for being so indolent? NO! you did it to yourself! fix it yourself with help and support from others and resources.

if you'll say "a-ha! i am fixing it myself with the help of a bariatric surgeon, my great insurance and the support of my family and friends", then a pox on thee. someone should give you a bloody cox-comb! you've got bigger balls of brass than Bill Clinton when he wagged his finger at you or broke from laughing into crying when he saw the cameras at Ron Brown's funeral. pffffft!

that's not fixing, that's CHEATING! it is indicative of the mindset in our post hippie world. do what you like, it won't matter. just don't hurt peoples feelings, say the intelligentsia. Bull! F U, buddy.

ok, enough of the ranting. let's examine some facts. if you get bariatric surgery, you'll lose about fifty lbs the first 8 weeks, then it tapers off and it might take up to a year to lose 100 lbs. Hey! Guess what happened to me? i lost fifty lbs in 8 weeks by eating less and walking in place!! when i weighed 350 to 360 lbs(and i got there myself by eating like a HOG for 10+ years. no one gains 180 lbs without a concentrated effort!) and i started to work on my problem, the stuff came off like it was pouring out of me. oh, wait, it was pouring out of me, as sweat! i got so happy i had lost to 310 lbs that i slacked off my diet as a reward. so when the five lbs came a creeping, i started to eat less and exercise again.

fattynomore.jpgfrom 310 to 290 to 270 to 250 to 240 to 230 to 220, every time i would lose 20 lbs, i'd take a break until it started to creep up again. now, how on earth was i able to quit exercising and eat like a hog again the last decade without gaining or loosing within a ten lb range just by moderating my intake? ANSWER: I CHANGED MY METABOLISM THROUGH EXERCISE! by doing that little amount of piddling effort daily when i was losing weight, i was able to be a slacker and eat crap again without blooming to stretchmark-ville. amazing, huh? stay tuned and watch the sun rise in the east and it get dark about sunset!!

now lest you think i'm of the opinion that my shit don't stink, think again. i've got reams of my own health problems that came from not just a sedentary, but a sedimentary lifestyle. i've smoked TOO MUCH for 27 years and i ate too many carbs and sweets because i was a "little bitty fat man now" for the last 14 years or so. oh boy, now i'm diabetic and probably have been for 8 years. i can barely breathe. emphysema, here i come. heart disease, eye disease, dialysis and the loss of toes loom large in my future. i haven't had warm hands since 1998 and my feet are like ice. bah! i've been the lord of "don't care town" and the emir of "i don't give a shit-land" for so long, even my vaunted narcissism won't save me now. we won't even address the worst part.

so it got so painful to breathe last week i stopped smoking. it took real pain to do what i knew was right. so i'm not perfect or in an ivory tower. i'm just saying that if you're fat and getting cut with a knife to lose weight, you're a freaking asshole. takes one to know one. i am and so are you, you miserable self loathing grabasstic piece of puke. (hat tip, R. Lee Ermey!)

the point to all this is there is always something in our lives we need to address and for whatever reasons we choose, we don't. self destruction is our choice as is self preservation. i'm sure hitler was nice to his dog. deep down i'm sweet. it doesn't matter, i'm still killing myself by lifestyle choices.

what's wrong with me, i'm fixing by my own choice and by my own hand. something as simple as "i ate too much. i gained weight. i'm too screwed up in the head to put down the fork" does not need to be subsidized by insurance and advertised in the paper. you see it as a panacea. they see you as a paycheck. otherwise there wouldn't be seminars on weight loss surgery every couple of weeks at your local hospitals. Good Lord, people. we're a nation of fatasses. over 60% of the population is fat. what the hell is going on with this country? you think manifest destiny and the grace of God above is going to favor us when we can't roll over out of our beds anymore?

we're at war for the existence of western civilization. we will be for the next 50 years. this is just an example of why we could lose to jihad. Wake up!!!

so once again, my self referential outlook and inability to have empathy reaches across borders and oceans via the inter-web. what a world we live in! now i can harangue weak minded people and preach from my chair in a semi-public forum. Boo-yah!

Jazz Bass did this without Subway. I hope.

It Baffles Science! Archives


You said milkshake a lot there. Now I want one.. thanks.

mmmmm 5 dollar chocolate milk-shake... with burbon!


You know my story. And yes, all it takes is getting off your fat lazy ass and shutting your mouth more often. 164 gone and counting...


Good piece, Richard. Holla at me, shithead. :->


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