There will be no Druid this week. I’ve got to write Jack out of the park and there are some details that just aren’t working, and honestly, it’s hard to focus on Jack and the crew while the news of the day rattles around in my head. I’m starting this on Monday night…yeah, I’m late already, sorry, I got distracted.

I don’t think those poor kids were cold before the pros and the antis were out spouting their usual pitches: “More guns would have made it better.” “Less guns would have made it better.” “It’s violent movies.” “It’s the video games, they’ve desensitized our youth.” “Spotlight Hollywood is already on the scene, following movie producer…” “I find it offensive that it’s assumed that he’s an undocumented immigrant.” “I find it offensive that a Chinese National is allowed in our country.” “Ah yes, another immigrant doing a job Americans won’t do.”

I find them all offensive. Every one. And to the last one, “Go fuck yourself you miserable thundercunt.” I mean that from the bottom of my heart. No, I'm not going to link to it, you can find it if you try.

Let’s all take a breath and remember that 33 people are dead. I don’t care if you pray. I don’t care what you do. Just turn off the fucking politics for five minutes please.

What happened on Monday was a horrific act, apparently perpetrated by one deranged individual who could not see a clearer path than to massacre as many people as possible before ending his own pain.

I don’t understand the need to share that kind of pain. The quips come quickly. “Why can’t they go straight to killing themselves? Why do they have to bring all of us into it.?”

I don’t know. Maybe he was embarrassed by something. Maybe he thought he had to try and erase all evidence of his shame. Maybe he had a toothache.

I don’t understand monsters. This man was a monster. He can’t be a regular human. That’s too scary. If he’s a normal, then we’re fucked. That’s where my head goes. There’s got to be something wrong with people like that otherwise it’s not long before the worlds of Bladerunner and Children of Men start looking like right outside the fucking window. I’m not ready for that yet.

Remember when we were just afraid of the world being taken over by computers? Or Logan’s Run? Phase IV?!!! That was how we were supposed to go out. Not individually because some pissed off English major got dumped, either real or imagined.

The story about the professor who got in between the shooter and his students made me cry. I had to shut the door to my office.

I gotta shake this and I know I will. I gotta tell ya though, I’m feeling dark like I haven’t in a long time. I’m not seeing a lot of hope. I don’t see the light. I don’t have a sense that things are going to get better. So I’ve got to remember, again, that there are things I can effect and those that I can’t and I need to concentrate on the ones I can and let the other ones go. I’m not good at being where my hands are. I get all wrapped up in other people’s crap. I know that makes me human and I’m okay with that, it’s just even after X years of sobriety, I’m not quite THERE when it comes to being okay with feeling the hard stuff. No…I don’t know where THERE is either but I don’t think it’s here.

Sorry if I brought anyone down. I had to write this out before I did anything else though.

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