Honesty is Lonely (lonely baby gonna cry?)
by Richard Wallace

Hi, my name is Richard and I'm an alcoholic. (You all shout out "Hi, Richard". Really, that's how they do it, pretty queer, I know. Queer = odd, that is.) That's enough for the honesty, everything in moderation is the key. Honesty shouldn't be surprised, he is a lonely word because he makes all the other words miserable. (I know honesty is a he because it is so insufferable, if it were female it would let up every now and then until you let your guard down before going back to burrowing under your skin. Honesty is too stubborn for that, very male.)

Can you imagine a world where everyone was honest, all the time? Unpossible, we'd never survive as a species.
Do these jeans make me look fat? No, the fat in your thighs and ass makes you look fat.
Do you think I should go for that promotion? Do you think I could beat out that idiot Caruthers?Sure , honey, but if your luck is going to change that dramatically shouldn't you just buy lottery tickets?

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Luckily, for the sake of society at large, honesty has its metaphorical traits beyond gender. Honesty has the loyalty of a dog, and is almost as easily fooled. You can spin a lot of fiction into fact with a few well chosen words, as long as they are true; honesty will always be at your side, with its tongue hanging out. The most important thing to remember about honesty is that what you don't share, skillful omission, is not untruthful. Playing on what assumptions people fill those missing details with is the most fun you can have with honesty on your team.

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Here on the inner tubes there is an anonymity that extends as far as any two parties allow, you will only get to know and get to be known to the extent that both parties are willing, limited only by your ability tap keys or install a voice-recognition program. You couldn't very well pretend to speak a language that you don't, not for very long, translators just don't work that way. But other than a shared language, there are really no limits on how you represent yourself to other, equally equipped perfect strangers. This is the point at which honesty can be a helpful tool in getting to know people from all around the world, and letting them get to know you. You can share experiences, hopes, and dreams with like-minded individuals, forging strong bonds across the globe.

But that isn't always what goes on, as you might have noticed by all the incredibly busy important people you have met that seem to have a lot of free time to discuss the intricacies of "Firefly". Most of these people are just liars, and they have no problem with honesty, for they have never crossed paths with him. But some of these folks are well-acquainted with honesty, and keep him as a pet. Myself, I have carefully coddled honesty, nurturing his view of me in the black-on-white world of internet chatter.

I have never been shy when people ask me what I do, honesty is my only excuse, dear reader. It is so much easier than remembering elaborate lies that you have told to try and get people to admire you, envy you. I own my own business, and I am the industry leader in my community. Just because the airport charges me rent as they technically "own" the shoeshine stand doesn't mean the business isn't mine. If I move my business to another airport I'll still use the same name, and I certainly had to pony up all the money for my box and all my different brushes, waxes, and shines. Likewise, while my apartment might technically be positioned beneath my parent's house, and might be termed by architects a basement; it's all mine, I have my own entrance and utility bill.

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As you can see, there is no reason to leave honesty out of your life, just be sure that you are the one calling the shots. Completely honest doesn't, (and shouldn't), mean honestly complete. Complete and total honesty is brutal and ugly, nobody is paying for internet service and hardware to read the goings-on of a 37-year-old virgin.


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