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No matter what you do, I will win
I'm writing this because I want to. I swear. It's not because I've been coerced into trying to find something, anything witty to write by the good people at f.t.t.w. Really, I'm here on my own accord. If that's the case, why the fuck can't I think of anything clever to write? On any given day, I’m running my mouth either to myself (it happens!) or to anyone who’ll listen. But when it comes to writing stuff down, sometimes I’m better left to coming up with clever one-line rejoinders. Write a whole page of something? For other people to read and judge me on? NEVER. This is when my wit will fail and all semblance of intelligence will leak out of my head like the wax does when it’s really hot and I’m asleep but I’m woken by what I swear is wax oozing out of my ears but turns out it’s just drool from my 6 year-old daughter who’s decided to shack up on my head for the night.
There’s the guy whose core body temperature stayed pretty high, so I couldn’t snuggle up to him. Fine. Be that way. Does that give you an excuse to sleep like a got damn octopus and push me out of my own bed? NO. You’re not going to let me squish all up against you AND you’re pushing me out of my bed? Oh hell no. I realized his quite obvious attempt at staying away from me at night time by trying to feed me some “basal body temperature” crap. Of course he can do something about his body temperature, sheesh. A little give and take here for crying out loud. I’m willing to sleep next to a Duraflame for the night; can’t you at least let me touch you at all?
This is a situation where clearly a little bit of passive aggressiveness is called for.
I make sure and drink a good bit of water before bedtime, so I’ll be up off and on during the night. Each time I get up, upon returning to the bed, I snuggle up really tightly next to his angelic, sleeping form. Immediately, he pushes a little bit away from me to get this warm body off him. A little while later, I do it again. Later, again. Now who’s getting pushed nearly off the bed? WHO’S YOUR SANDMAN NOW, MISTER?
By mid-early-morning, he’s now not had much sleep either because he has to keep moving himself in an anti-snug position so his body doesn’t spontaneously combust from the additional heat of another human body or he’s struggling to even stay on the bed because he’s so close to the edge. My plan is working. He will feel my pain. He will be as frustrated as I am. I’m dead tired, but I don’t even care.
By morning, he’s huddled in the fetal position in the far right corner of the bed and so close to being broken that he’s sucking his thumb. Mission accomplished.
What’s that? Talk to him about it? PUH-LEASE. Why talk when being passive aggressive is so much more fun?
-- DR is a free lance dater from down Georgia way