No matter what you do, I will win
by DR

I'm writing this because I want to. I swear. It's not because I've been coerced into trying to find something, anything witty to write by the good people at f.t.t.w. Really, I'm here on my own accord. If that's the case, why the fuck can't I think of anything clever to write? On any given day, I’m running my mouth either to myself (it happens!) or to anyone who’ll listen. But when it comes to writing stuff down, sometimes I’m better left to coming up with clever one-line rejoinders. Write a whole page of something? For other people to read and judge me on? NEVER. This is when my wit will fail and all semblance of intelligence will leak out of my head like the wax does when it’s really hot and I’m asleep but I’m woken by what I swear is wax oozing out of my ears but turns out it’s just drool from my 6 year-old daughter who’s decided to shack up on my head for the night.

Maybe I’ll just write about my favorite past-time and what sometime becomes a sport of sorts….passive aggressiveness. In this particular case, lousy bed partners. No, I’m not talking lousy-in-the-sack partners, but people who just don’t know proper sleep etiquette when sleeping with someone else in the same damn bed. How do people go through life blissfully unaware that they simply suck as a sleep partner?

There’s the guy whose core body temperature stayed pretty high, so I couldn’t snuggle up to him. Fine. Be that way. Does that give you an excuse to sleep like a got damn octopus and push me out of my own bed? NO. You’re not going to let me squish all up against you AND you’re pushing me out of my bed?danger of death.jpg Oh hell no. I realized his quite obvious attempt at staying away from me at night time by trying to feed me some “basal body temperature” crap. Of course he can do something about his body temperature, sheesh. A little give and take here for crying out loud. I’m willing to sleep next to a Duraflame for the night; can’t you at least let me touch you at all?

This is a situation where clearly a little bit of passive aggressiveness is called for.

I make sure and drink a good bit of water before bedtime, so I’ll be up off and on during the night. Each time I get up, upon returning to the bed, I snuggle up really tightly next to his angelic, sleeping form. Immediately, he pushes a little bit away from me to get this warm body off him. A little while later, I do it again. Later, again. Now who’s getting pushed nearly off the bed? WHO’S YOUR SANDMAN NOW, MISTER?

By mid-early-morning, he’s now not had much sleep either because he has to keep moving himself in an anti-snug position so his body doesn’t spontaneously combust from the additional heat of another human body or he’s struggling to even stay on the bed because he’s so close to the edge. My plan is working. He will feel my pain. He will be as frustrated as I am. I’m dead tired, but I don’t even care.

By morning, he’s huddled in the fetal position in the far right corner of the bed and so close to being broken that he’s sucking his thumb. Mission accomplished.

What’s that? Talk to him about it? PUH-LEASE. Why talk when being passive aggressive is so much more fun?

-- DR is a free lance dater from down Georgia way


I’m willing to sleep next to a Duraflame for the night;

Try sleeping next to Mr. Freeze. I kept thinking he was dead. I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. "Turtle? You alive?" No answer. Check his pulse. Wow. I had no idea someone could be that cold to the touch and not be a corpse.


hey dude

its better then me being covered in sweat all night long, ok?


That's hilarious. Fucking with people in their sleep is all kinds of good times.


plucking nipple hairs on chicks is the funniest damn thing in the world. There is always one stray hair there for no reason and "BAM" you nail it!

oh its funny

/that sounds kinda sadistic


Dude that's the funniest thing I've heard since blood on my cock and the Pillsbury Doughboy.


I am a high-body temperature person. But we have a king-size bed. Not like we're fighting for bed space.

And ... woohoo! Another writer from Geogia.


I have to say, that is pretty damn funny. Had me laughing at loud.


I am a human burrito. I wrap the covers around myself like a savory flour tortilla. I am the meaty filling. I like this. I know it's wrong, but I like it.

My wife, she doesn't like it so much.


we have two writers from the south? we have how many from canada? How many from the east coast?

and only 2 from california?

Jeez, you guys are gonna vote us off of the island pretty soon.


The South will rise again, baby!

Yes, I'm talking about sex.


That was funny!!! I, personally, hate the snuggle-sleep thing. I need my space.

turtle, I grew up in CA and lived there up until 6 years ago, does that count?


turtle, I grew up in CA and lived there up until 6 years ago, does that count?

i guess it does.

until you pull my name out of a pot and they put my flame out

/is "survivor" even still on the air?


I usually run at about 101 or so... It makes for all kinds of fun at the doctor's when I have a low grade fever and they're losing their shit...
My wife, though, loves it during the winter...


Bed burritos are evil! Perhaps I should speak to your wife on the proper strategy to cure you of this ailment!

And turtle, you with the freezing stuff. WTF is that? Why aren't you more considerate of your bedmate? Don't make me send Mr. Duraflame to her.

Glad you guys liked it! I look forward to more torture writing.



3 writers from the south. i'm from north cackalacky.


sounds sort of like my ex. she was the duraflame AND a snuggler. she wanted to be my goddamned comforter. i couldn't take it.


"Perhaps I should speak to your wife on the proper strategy to cure you of this ailment!"

Give him some of your special guacamole.


And turtle, you with the freezing stuff. WTF is that? Why aren't you more considerate of your bedmate?

cause im sleeping.

bottom line

and she left the air conditioner on. Dude, I'm from california. I sleep naked with no covers.

This new york rain shit with an air conditioner on is just really weird and I don't wake up when I fall asleep. So she thought I was dead.

It happens


this is what you get for letting them spend the night....


Every creature needs to rest. Giraffes, little babies, elephants, dogs, cats, kids, koala bears, grandparents, moms, dads, and hippos in the jungle - they all sleep! Just like eating, sleep is necessary for survival. WBR LeoP


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