i'd kill castro for one of these
by Turtle Jones

Sometimes things happen. They just do. No way around them or no explanation.
One day you wake up and you have suddenly changed. You don't realize it, not your friends do.

What do you do that you know you shouldn't do? Slam that extra beer? One more shot? Get another tattoo cause it's free? Yell at people cause they are old and just need to be yelled at? Yell at hookers for getting too close to your car? What do you do that you really don't want to do but still do because you stopped caring when the Pope was shot in whateverfucking year and you were just more worried about your next candy fix. Nothing except yourself.

These are our vices.

What are yours?

Turtle first:

Things I do that are bad for me that I know I shouldn't do but keep doing them? Fuck, there are tons. I shouldn't be involved with what I did, I shouldn't have to watch people die, I should just hide out and disappear but something always calls me to keep coming back to keep doing what I do. Some things happen that I have no control over and I end up in another situation I don't want to be in. But, these are external forces. Things I have no control over. I just have to deal with them.

So let's start with the big one.


Smoking. Sure I quit. Yay fucking me. But, I really didn't. I switched to cigars. Don't ask me why. I wonder that myself. So did I really quit? Did I cut out nicotine? Honestly? No. I didn't. Ask Michele. She knows. Sure I don't inhale, but those drugs still get in my system. Driving around town finding the best cigar is a fuck lot harder then going to 7-11 for a pack of Camels. I have no idea why I do it. Sure, it looks cool as fuck and really I don’t give a fuck if you think it stinks cause I lost my olfactory senses since I started doing cocaine and meth. But i quit almost 5 years ago but never got them back. che-habano.jpgA dead bum in a urine-covered alleyway still smells like flowers to me. I don't care unless someone says something. So I smoke about six a day. Yeah, I know. It's bad. But, the burning feeling on my tongue and the smoke coming out onto the screen of my compy or blowing in the wind when I am out on the grass with my dog is pretty much pure heaven to me.

The way the tip lights up and then goes away when you ignore it and you have to relight it. Forget me and I'll forget you. The cigar is the most evil mistress there ever was. It looks at you and tells you "hey dude, you wanted me, I didn't want you. So pay attention to me or I am walking."

The ultimate in denial of "I've quit smoking".

I love them.

Grape Soda

Yeah yeah yeah. You guys all know I'm an alcoholic. I slam beer and vodka like there is some kind of nuclear warheads coming over to blow us all up. Get some meth and coke in me and I’m gone for five days. But those five-day binges somehow turned into a five-year sober run. I quit. Wow. Never thought that would happen. But, in my heart, I will always be an addict. But, what to move on to now? Grape soda. Don’t ask me what happened. For five years I’ve been slamming diet grape soda. Ask Michele. I went thru a six-pack at her birthday party. Just something in me that demands me to have a taste in my mouth other then the lies that come spurring out to get you to loan me some money. God, talk about being brutally honest. But that's the way it is. I hate the way food tastes. I hate the way my mouth tastes. I need a cigar or a grape soda today to push me thru another hour till I can get some gum or something.

Truth is painful sometimes.


I'm the calmest and coolest person you will ever meet other then a dead man, but get me in a car and it’s like the Indy 500 but with me telling people to fuck off a lot. Talk to me the on phone, in person or on here, you will find how easy going and laidback I am, but in a car, I am pretty vicious. Every time I am driving with Michele on the phone, I have to end every sentence with "That "fuck you" wasn't for you, Michele." or that "Get the fuck out of my way, bitch" wasn't to you Michele".

I think I need to get on some meds. - T


Geez. Everything I do is bad for me, it seems. But what’s the one thing that I just can’t quit? The one thing that I know wrecks me sometimes but I can’t give up? That one thing that has got a hold on me.....


I have to say, I’m getting better. I used to be a 12 cup a day person. Just chugging it all day long. Always a cup of coffee in front of me. There was a time, not too long ago, when I lived on coffee, cigarettes and mini snickers bars. The staples of the diet of an insomniac. No, the caffeine wasn’t the cause of the insomnia. That’s a whole other story. Some other time. Right now, we’re talking coffee. Or, as we say on Long Island, cawfee. At least that’s what turtle claims Cawfee? Is that how it comes out of my mouth? Meh.

Recently, I’ve worked my way down to about five cups a day. Though it varies. Some days call for eight or nine cups. All depends. See, I like being jacked. I like the feeling of being wired and fired and ready to step on someone’s face if they look at me wrong. This explains the little problem I had with speed back in high school. I quit that shit when my hair felt like it was standing up on ends all the time. But then I discovered coffee. Legal speed, the American way. All jacked up all day long. Ready to take on the world. And then at about 3pm comes the caffeine crash and you know what that means. 7-11! Coffee! COFFEE!!!!

Let me tell you. The worst thing 7-11 ever did was try to be a DIY Dunkin’ Donuts. I used to be able to go in, pour a cup of coffee, get out. But no. They had to give people choices. Do you know what happens when you give the average American choices? They become confounded. They stand there at the coffee kiosk thing and stare. Confused looks on their faces. I guess their mind just can’t comprehend the sea of flavors and toppings and their brain goes into lockdown.

Fifteen different flavored coffees.capp.jpg Decaf or super caffeinated. Hot chocolate. Two flavors of cappuccino. Steamed milk. Vanilla syrup. Caramel syrup. Powdered chocolate and vanilla. Ten different flavors of cream. Marshmallows. Whipped cream. Amaretto flavoring. Equal. Splenda. Iced coffee. Latte. Mocha vanilla chocolate cream latte. All that’s missing is the Sambuca. The steel counter is littered with packets of sugar and Sweet-n-Low and globs of chocolate syrup and latte foam.

I can understand how some people go into 7-11 for a simple cup of coffee in the morning and get lost in the netherworld of choices. Not everyone has the power to think in simple terms like you and I. You can almost hear the buzzing in their heads. Hmmm...if I do a half cup of steamed milk and add some caramel syrup and maybe a little whipped cream...No, no....half cup of coffee and half hot chocolate. With powdered vanilla.....

Jesus fuck, man. Get the hell out of my way. It's 8am and my brain is about to go into hibernation mode if it doesn’t get it’s morning caffeine I and just need a god damn cup of fucking coffee with a little milk and one Equal, real simple there buddy, so just move the fuck out my way before I step on your face, man. Agitation. Aggravation. I need my coffee. NOW.

They stand there. Pondering. Not moving. Eyes darting from pot to pot, from sugar to cream, flavor to flavor. I explode.

Do you want coffee or a three course fucking dessert? Take the god damn coffee cup. Pour coffee. Pour milk. Put cover on. Leave. Why do you want to mix your coffee with all that crap? It?s 8am, people! Who the hell wants whipped cream and chocolate sauce at 8am? Coffee is not supposed to taste like it was made in a bakery. Hey, if you want flavored coffee, go to Starbucks, where people expect you to spend ten minutes pondering your choices while the snarly cashier taps her fingers on the counter waiting for you so she can tell the anal retentive barrista what the fuck you want. It's part of the ambience! At 7-11, you’re just taking up valuable counter space while I’m trying to get my regular cup of coffee. And you are pissing me off.

Think! Think before you enter the store, folks! Do you want caramel? Do you want vanilla? Do you want chai tea with lemon or steamed milk with cinnamon? Just make.a.damn.decision. and get on with it, already. You are worse than the people who wait til they get to the drive through speaker at Taco Bell before even giving any thought to what they want. You know what 7-11 has by now. Figure it out before you get out of your car. I mean, what do you tell your boss when you’re late for work? Sorry, I couldn’t decide between the blueberry cream coffee or the black English chai steamed fucking tea and I had a nervous breakdown right there in front of the nacho machine?

There are just too many choices in this world. No one should be made to choose between more than A B or C for anything. No matter what you are buying - bread, tampons, garbage bags, vodka - there are so many different brands and styles and sizes of each that your brain can implode by just entering the grocery store. Do we really need to confuse people even more by turning their simple stop for morning coffee into a logic problem? No. Enough already. I’m making a stand for coffee flavored coffee. Say it with me....coffee flavored coffee!

"You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochaccino, they got chocaccino, frappaccino, rappaccino, Al Pacino, what the fuck?!"

God damn. I need a cup of coffee. -M

Lagwagon - Mr. Coffee
Good Riddance - United Cigar

I guess I need to lay off the caffeine and turtle needs to lay off the cigars. I don't care so much about the driving and grape soda, but those cigars? They gotta go. He said he'd quit when he moved here. I'm just putting that out here so you all see it. He said that. And if he does I'll cut my coffee down to two cups a day so I don't get all wired and high strung with him. Even trade, I think.

So what's your deal when it comes to the bad stuff? What do you do that you know is probably going to end up killing you in the end?


jesus michele

that's alot of coffee

you arenkeeping columbia in business


Michele, I'm right there with you on the coffee... I used to drink 3 or so pots a day and now I'm down to about five cups...
But I've become something of a coffee terrorist at my local convience store... I'm the guy who doesn't wait for the people in front of me to ponder the hundred or so choices in front of them. I muscle my way to the front with a "fuck you, geddoutta my way" and take that coffee.... Life is too short to not be able to make up your mind about fucking coffee....


hell, it's 6 in the morning and im lighting my first cigar and pounding a grape soda

i gotta stop this shit


ya ditto coffee. fuck those smelly cigars.

and turtle i have a good friend who says that the way you behave while driving is a good indication of yur spiritual condition.

fuck that slow ass bitch...


"way you behave while driving is a good indication of yur spiritual condition."

damn, my soul must be charred black.


my spiritual condition is fucked then

and get out of my way!!!!


I am going to the underworld if that is the case.


Hey Jane, is that dessert cafe your site? That made me really hungry.


"way you behave while driving is a good indication of yur spiritual condition."

Huh.... I'm apparently laid back then and moderately content.... Who knew ?


12 cups a day is nothing, but finn, 3 pots ... jeebus.

My bad vices are: also coffee and the WWE.


Part time smoker here. I hate it, but I only do it at work.

When I was a kid, I hid it from my parents. Now that I'm a parent, I hide it from my kids.

Go figure.


When I smoked I used to go out behind the garage and do it so my kids didn't see me.

Just like I used to do so my parents wouldn't see me.

Life is funny like that.


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