The Church of Football: Some Kinda Hate
by Turtle Jones
Most hard-core football fans believe in the presence of a higher power, an omniscient, un-earthly force that watches over the game, it's players and it's fans.
I am talking of course about the magnificent and all-powerful, Football Gods. At times they can be benevolent, other times, they can be cruel. They can make you jump for joy or they can lay the smack down on you and watch you squirm. They are wise, they are mighty, and chicks dig them in their old-school throwback football jerseys.
[The Football Gods like to be buttered up, but they don't like a kiss-ass.]
And with that, I bring you this weeks NFL post here at The End Zone.
As with most deities, the Football Gods demand some kind of appeasement and sacrifice. Here are a few tips to help make The Football Gods happy and keep you in their good graces.
- The Football Gods appreciate a good tail-gate. If you can't get to the game, do it at home. The Football Gods like to see lots and lots of meat being cooked on a large fire. The presence of alcohol, cigars and buffalo chicken wings pleases them. The Football Gods do not like to see too many vegetables, fruit or other healthy stuff at a tailgate, unless it's being used as a topping for your sausage sammitch or your triple-double bypass cheeze-a-ma-burger.
- The Football Gods expect you to dress the part. The more team related clothing you can get on your body on game day, the better. Underwear, socks, t-shirts, team jerseys, you name it. The Football Gods especially like to see the old-school players jerseys represented with honor on people's backs. Loyalty will be rewarded, but don't wear
- The Football Gods do not like a 'know it all' football fan, spewing predictions and making pronouncements about who's going to do what during the game. There is a difference between being knowledgeable and being obnoxious. Like pornography, you can't define it, but the Football Gods know it when they see it.
- Anything can happen during a football game. That ball is made to bounce in all kinds of funny ways on purpose, so don't even think about making a guarantee about the outcome or a 'can't miss' prediction about something that you think might happen during the game, because if you do, you're almost guaranteed to get bitch-slapped by the Football Gods, just out of spite, because the Football Gods are like that. They are spiteful.
Finally, The Football Gods will not tolerate any whining about the outcome of the game. They will generally grant you one or two days to get over a loss and let you get any bitching about it out of your system. After that, if your team lost, you deal with it, suck it up and look forward to next week. What's done is done. The Football Gods hate whiners.
In the end, we are all just playthings to the Football Gods and we are at their mercy. They like to wind us up and see what we will do, but if you follow these tips, there's a good chance you'll keep the Football Gods happy with you, and they will look upon you favorably.
Of course, all that being said, there are some things that are simply out of your control. If your team's head coach makes a bone-head decision during a game or if you wind up with Terrell Owens on your team, what are you going to do? At that point you're pretty much fucked because the Football Gods don't like bone-heads and they obviously hate T.O.
Sorry Cowboys fans.
Last but not least, The Football Gods are known to have a preference for whiskey over bourbon. At least that's been my experience. If you don't know the difference, well I hope you're a Jets fan...
Now lets look at a few of this weeks games:
Week 2 is the week of hate. Week 2 is the week of rivalries. We've got Buffalo at Miami, Cleveland at Cincy, the NY Giants at Philly, New England at The J-E-T-S, Kansas City at Denver... I'm rubbing my palms together in anticipation.
There's some kinda love, and there's some kinda hate going on this week my friends.
Are you psyched? Don't tell me you're not looking at those match-ups and feeling the adrenaline pump into your veins. We're looking at some of the classic rivalries of the NFL this week and that makes for the best games. All of these teams know and hate each other so well. If you are a fan, these are the games that you have a circle around on
These are the teams that you love to play against because you hate them so bad. These are the teams you especially want want to see your guys crush and destroy, but, at the same time, you love those guys because you hate them.
Let's face it, without them, this shit would not be half as fun.
Come on Philly fans, you gonna try and tell me you don't look forward to playing the Giants twice a year? Phhht. Yeah, sure. And I'm not hoping to see The Jets QB Chad Pennington curled up in a ball crying on the sidelines this afternoon because The Patriots all-pro defensive lineman, Richard Seymour, 'just won't leave him alone.'
You might as well throw the records and the predictions out the window today because these games are going to be more like fights, not football games.
It's rivalry weekend and I cant fucking wait till 1:00. Bring it on motherfuckers!
The Football Gods like enthusiasm. Oh, and have a chili-dog, I've got jalapenos for ya!
Misfits Some Kind of Hate
Ernie writes daily about football and other stuff at Mr. B and W. You should check it out.
UPDATE. A wager has been made between Ernie and Michele on the Pats/Jets game. The loser of the wager will have to write a four stanza poem on their love of the other team. The opposite team. Written with praise, not sarcasm. After the game is over, they shall write their poems, well really whenever they want to get around to it cause someone is gonna be crying and writing at the same time, and post it. Not in these comments, but in both FTTW and Mr. B and W as main submissions.
I'm so mean. - T
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