There's No Going Back, No Going Home
by Turtle Jones

Ok guys. Long day for both of us.

I'm packed up and high as fuck on bleach. So this is long time gone moving minutes. I have no idea what that means, but you have an idea where this LNT is going tonight.

Not Very Well.

Tonight's late night typing has a weird edge. We are already on to Christmas mode so there is no boo hiss for us. We move on. Or is that "boo!" Oh, the hell if I know. I'm so high on Lysol I think I saw the ghost of Elvis walking thru my bathroom. But, we must go on!

I'm going to make fun of all the states I have to drive thru to get to New York, cause, well cause I'm high as fuck. Michele is going to do something tonight. I don't know what it is yet. I'm still talking Spanish to my landlord trying to get my deposit back. "El polo loco" evidently doesn't mean "gimmie back my money" so what do I know. Hell, I always thought "salsa" meant " "pet deposit" so you can see where this night is going.

So let's do this.Day 104 - 2.JPG

turtle makes fun of states he will be driving thru

California - Ug. No can do, big guy. No bueno. This state is my home and always will be. There is nothing quite like this state in the whole world. Sure we are fucking balls out crazy around here, but fuck man, if you have to have some peace in anarchy, this is the place to do it. Goodbye California. We had some fun. I rate it as an "A+".

Nevada - Prostitutes and all night gambling. I think they should name an STD after this state. That one gets an "A".

Utah - Mormons and multiple wives. Getting a Coke in this state legally makes you available for shooting or to be married to some hairy guy named "the Goat." I'll give that one a "B".

Wyoming - I have no clue what to say about this state but it's funny to say the name. I give them a" ?."

Colorado - Coors. 'Nuff said? "F-."

Nebraska - My penis gets hard when I think of Nebraska. Like some place you never have been. Nebraska is the lesbian bondage state of America. Or maybe thats just me. Lets' move on. Hmmmm. Can I give an "I don't care" grade?

Iowa - What? I have to go thru Iowa? I thought that was like down south or something. Jesus christ, I am going to be giving Breir Rabbit a ride in my fucking car to get the tar washed off. I give you guys a "C."

Illinois - Back to the cities. Although if you call a city some run down, crack infested town. This place has the record for the most time on "Cops". Florida comes a second close, but still Illinois wins as far as crack houses. I give you guys a "B-".Hall of Shame - Coors.jpg

Ohio - Is this in the right order? I guess I stopped caring about geography when I started watching "Everybody Loves Raymond." Don't ask me why. Raymond doesn't like Ohio so I don't. I really didn't think Ohio was a state. I mean really. You guys have shit there. And don't say the Rock and Roll hall of fame counts. That's only there cause we felt sorry for you. I give you an "F."

Pennsyvania - You guys suck. I don't know why, but I bet you do. I give you a "C-."

New York - This is a tough one. I can't really bag on it cause I'll be living there, but I still want to bag on it cause, well, it sucks. So I'm giving this state a "C+ but with Promises."

And nothing will ever be California. -T

michele is not high on fumes:

This was going to be my big send off to turtle. It's his last night doing Late Night Typing for a while. And our last coast-to-coast version of LNT.

But things happen. Long, long day. A bit stressful. Exhaustion sets in. All the ideas I had this morning for a farewell post are gone, lost somewhere between the meeting at the kid's school and the broken dishwasher.

I'm going to keep this simple.

Tomorrow, Turtle hits the road.

He is packing up his belongings, stuffing them all into his truck and moving across the country.

To be with me.

He is leaving his parents, his friends, the only state he ever knew.

To be with me.

That's a lot of sacrfice to make. It's a lot to take on. The drive here, the moving into a place sight unseen, the starting over with a new job, the two teenage kids I have. Not to mention the cat. The cat's a pain in the ass.

Sure I'm nervous. I'm nervous about him driving all the way here. Nervous about losing touch with him while he's on the road. Nervous about coyotes and children of the corn and snow storms and him not eating or sleeping enough.

But I'm not the one doing the driving. I'm not the one leaving things behind. I get to just sit here and wait for him to come to me and hope that everthing goes smooth and that he likes it here. I'm not making any sacrifices.

The most I can do is make it easy on him as possible. Like stocking his fridge with grape soda before he gets here. Leaving a few cigars in his apartment. Not lecturing him about eating and sleeping while he's driving.

I'm really tired tonight. The brain stopped working at about 6:12 or so. About the time the dishwasher stopped working and the cat started meowing and the daughter started crying and the neighbor's car alarm went off. I really wanted to write a nice send off. It's not happening.

So I just want to say thank you to turtle.

Thank you for everything you are doing and everything you have done and everything you will do.

There's this song by Fugazi called Promises. And it contains the line "promises are shit."

I used to believe that.

Then I met a man who lives up to his promises. A man who never makes a promise he has no intention of keeping.

And he's coming here.

To be with me.

Kinda cool, huh?

Have a safe trip, babes. I know Velvis will be riding with you all the way. Just keep your eye on the prize, like I've been saying. That prize being the beginning of the rest of our lives.

I love you.

Thank you. -M

So in the end, I have no idea what I am typing because I lost sight of the TV and computer along time ago. Somehow I have to illegally dump a sofa in a few hours and I'm just rambling. Enjoy Micheles post and feel free to tell me how much you hate me cause right now I can't think of anything but Raymond telling me about household cleaners.

See ya soon guys.


Late Night Typing is now a New York production



Be safe. Drive safe. Don't stop at the Corn Palace or Wall Drug, they're not really that exciting. The World's Largest Ball of Twine and the Cone of Tragedy are a good time though.

Oh, and always eat at a Snuckey's because their maps are always right...


Cone of Tragedy? Someone played Sam and Max.


watch out for midwest zombies turtle.


Have a safe trip!


Drive safe man. If you run into a toothless prostitute named "Glory" in Nevada, tell her Daddy Loose Bowels says "Hi"--she'll know what you're talking about.


Have a safe trip Turtle!


i'm not saying I did this. But, somehow my furniture all disappeared last night and ended up in the alleyway.

Althou I didn't do it, it is all gone but a bed.

My theory is a bunch of dwarves came in my house last night and dragged it outstide and illegally dumped it.

I have a feeling those dwarves will come back again in a few hours and drag out my bed.

But thanks guys for all your well wishes. New York time soon.


Hey Turtle have a safe trip! I liked your grades for the states you're driving through. Made me laugh. Just remember to take a break if you get tired and don't push it. Well you know all that...

And come on Finn, if you're in South Dakota, how can you NOT stop at Wall Drug!!


Wait. South Dakota? What's he going to South Dakota for??

* checks route *

If you guys make him get lost, I'll hurt you.


Turtle if you read this, don't go to South Dakota. Unless you want to see Mount Rushmore. But if I were you I would just head straight for New York.

Put some Jerry Reed in the cassete player. It will help you drive. 'East Bound and Down, Loaded up and Truckin...' or better yet, play the Supersuckers version.


Be safe. See you on east coast time.


south dakota is cool.

legal fireworks.

and plus a little know fact of Mount Rushmore is the hall of records that I stupidly climbed up to see with a relative to an ex who worked at the park. Holes blown in the back of the heads of presidents. Google it. It's kinda cool to see. Hall of Records


Drive safe!!! And if you run in to albino children with glowing blue eyes... Lock the doors and keep driving.


Dude, have a safe drive. And remember: You can shower in truckstops for a mere five dollars


Have a safe trip, man. Avoid hitchhikers unless they are of the galactic variety.


if you really manage to skip indiana on the way there, please do tell how you did that.


I think he's going to sleep-drive through Indiana.


safe travels turtle you're in my prayers i love you both

go where you think you wanna go
do everything you were sent here for
fire at will if you hear the call
touch your hand to the wall at night


Have a safe trip! No stopping for cow tipping in WY... even with the ample opportunities... those people are good shots with a rifle, man. (my inlaws are all wyomingans)


Fuck Coors? God yes. Fuck Coors. I like you already, Turtle.

Drive safe. As far as I know, Wyoming is a whole lot of nothing unless you're going through Yellowstone. But then you'll have to pay $20 and get stuck behind eight hundred cars stopped in the middle of the road taking pictures of a Buffalo.

The scenery's nice, though. Your call.

I'd also recommend taking a quick jaunt up to Montana and checking Glacier National Park if you never had before, but I suspect Michele would kill me.

So forget I said anything about that.

Oh, and thanks for, along with Michele, giving me the opportunity to write for fttw. I appreciate it.


Dude Glacier is up on the Canadian border, so think before you turn left in Wyoming to head up there ;)


turtle, stick to the roads and stay off the moors.

Other than that, try not to die. Good luck.


Did I say "quick jaunt"?

I meant day trip. Or two.


*I am from Nebraska*....


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