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There's No Going Back, No Going Home
by Turtle Jones
Ok guys. Long day for both of us.
I'm packed up and high as fuck on bleach. So this is long time gone moving minutes. I have no idea what that means, but you have an idea where this LNT is going tonight.
Not Very Well.
Tonight's late night typing has a weird edge. We are already on to Christmas mode so there is no boo hiss for us. We move on. Or is that "boo!" Oh, the hell if I know. I'm so high on Lysol I think I saw the ghost of Elvis walking thru my bathroom. But, we must go on!
I'm going to make fun of all the states I have to drive thru to get to New York, cause, well cause I'm high as fuck. Michele is going to do something tonight. I don't know what it is yet. I'm still talking Spanish to my landlord trying to get my deposit back. "El polo loco" evidently doesn't mean "gimmie back my money" so what do I know. Hell, I always thought "salsa" meant " "pet deposit" so you can see where this night is going.
turtle makes fun of states he will be driving thru
California - Ug. No can do, big guy. No bueno. This state is my home and always will be. There is nothing quite like this state in the whole world. Sure we are fucking balls out crazy around here, but fuck man, if you have to have some peace in anarchy, this is the place to do it. Goodbye California. We had some fun. I rate it as an "A+".
Nevada - Prostitutes and all night gambling. I think they should name an STD after this state. That one gets an "A".
Utah - Mormons and multiple wives. Getting a Coke in this state legally makes you available for shooting or to be married to some hairy guy named "the Goat." I'll give that one a "B".
Wyoming - I have no clue what to say about this state but it's funny to say the name. I give them a" ?."
Colorado - Coors. 'Nuff said? "F-."
Nebraska - My penis gets hard when I think of Nebraska. Like some place you never have been. Nebraska is the lesbian bondage state of America. Or maybe thats just me. Lets' move on. Hmmmm. Can I give an "I don't care" grade?
Iowa - What? I have to go thru Iowa? I thought that was like down south or something. Jesus christ, I am going to be giving Breir Rabbit a ride in my fucking car to get the tar washed off. I give you guys a "C."
Illinois - Back to the cities. Although if you call a city some run down, crack infested town. This place has the record for the most time on "Cops". Florida comes a second close, but still Illinois wins as far as crack houses. I give you guys a "B-".
Ohio - Is this in the right order? I guess I stopped caring about geography when I started watching "Everybody Loves Raymond." Don't ask me why. Raymond doesn't like Ohio so I don't. I really didn't think Ohio was a state. I mean really. You guys have shit there. And don't say the Rock and Roll hall of fame counts. That's only there cause we felt sorry for you. I give you an "F."
Pennsyvania - You guys suck. I don't know why, but I bet you do. I give you a "C-."
New York - This is a tough one. I can't really bag on it cause I'll be living there, but I still want to bag on it cause, well, it sucks. So I'm giving this state a "C+ but with Promises."
And nothing will ever be California. -T
michele is not high on fumes:
This was going to be my big send off to turtle. It's his last night doing Late Night Typing for a while. And our last coast-to-coast version of LNT.
But things happen. Long, long day. A bit stressful. Exhaustion sets in. All the ideas I had this morning for a farewell post are gone, lost somewhere between the meeting at the kid's school and the broken dishwasher.
I'm going to keep this simple.
Tomorrow, Turtle hits the road.
He is packing up his belongings, stuffing them all into his truck and moving across the country.
To be with me.
He is leaving his parents, his friends, the only state he ever knew.
To be with me.
That's a lot of sacrfice to make. It's a lot to take on. The drive here, the moving into a place sight unseen, the starting over with a new job, the two teenage kids I have. Not to mention the cat. The cat's a pain in the ass.
Sure I'm nervous. I'm nervous about him driving all the way here. Nervous about losing touch with him while he's on the road. Nervous about coyotes and children of the corn and snow storms and him not eating or sleeping enough.
But I'm not the one doing the driving. I'm not the one leaving things behind. I get to just sit here and wait for him to come to me and hope that everthing goes smooth and that he likes it here. I'm not making any sacrifices.
The most I can do is make it easy on him as possible. Like stocking his fridge with grape soda before he gets here. Leaving a few cigars in his apartment. Not lecturing him about eating and sleeping while he's driving.
I'm really tired tonight. The brain stopped working at about 6:12 or so. About the time the dishwasher stopped working and the cat started meowing and the daughter started crying and the neighbor's car alarm went off. I really wanted to write a nice send off. It's not happening.
So I just want to say thank you to turtle.
Thank you for everything you are doing and everything you have done and everything you will do.
There's this song by Fugazi called Promises. And it contains the line "promises are shit."
I used to believe that.
Then I met a man who lives up to his promises. A man who never makes a promise he has no intention of keeping.
And he's coming here.
To be with me.
Kinda cool, huh?
Have a safe trip, babes. I know Velvis will be riding with you all the way. Just keep your eye on the prize, like I've been saying. That prize being the beginning of the rest of our lives.
I love you.
Thank you. -M
So in the end, I have no idea what I am typing because I lost sight of the TV and computer along time ago. Somehow I have to illegally dump a sofa in a few hours and I'm just rambling. Enjoy Micheles post and feel free to tell me how much you hate me cause right now I can't think of anything but Raymond telling me about household cleaners.
See ya soon guys.
Late Night Typing is now a New York production