Advertise With Us||Links||
Submission Guidelines||Subscribe to Feed||Contact
Just Another Day. Or is it?
by Turtle Jones
So it's Friday the 13th! Yay. Time to hide your black cats and drink some beer. This day has spawned of Evil. That's Evil with a capital "E". That makes it worse. From the Knights of Templar to the birth of an evil set of twins, this day is nothing but Evil.
So what did we decide to do tonight? Write about evil people born on this day. Not October the 13th, but Friday the 13th. One of the editors might have been born on Friday the 13th, but he might just be colored that way.
Turtle grabs a shovel
I'll start. I have a bias against people being born on my day. I also have a bias against anyone having the same first name as name. I'm lucky in both those parts cause hey, I'm special so not many people have those same characteristics. See, my birthday only comes once every eleven years on a Friday, so imma kinda cool when it comes to that one. You think I'd be all goth and shit like that. I mean hell, I have a movie named after me. No, it’s not "The Guy Who Sleeps Too Much". Plus I have some pretty cool people born on this date too. Let's do a run down.
Ok. He smokes alot of cigars. He wins. Sure the Bay of Pigs and the commie stuff might be not too cool but still man, cigars! He smokes cigars! They might have given him lung cancer but still, he smokes cigars!
This is where I want to take a minute and talk about the crappiness of Cuban cigars. The quality of a Havana is highly over rated. These cigars are kinda like having something you aren't supposed to have, paying way too much for then figuring out they suck. See, that's evil. In pure form. Those are like a two dollar hooker with crabs that you thought would be a good idea to fuck at the time.
My analogies kick ass.
Anyways, what I think about when I smoke a Cuban is "Why in the hell are these illegal?" They aren't that great. They really have no flavor and I'm not wearing a green army uniform trying to play baseball. So why am I smoking these? I think it is just the flavor from the Commies that get me. Sure, I'm not too political, but everytime I inhale, I feel as if I'm knocking down a piece of the Berlin Wall. Kinda like when you have to explain to girls why they are all bi-sexual separated by two vodka shots and a hotel room. That confused looked they give you as the shots go down. God, I love to watch girls kissing.
It smells like...victory.
I have no clue where this guy came from or whatever. He just kinda showed up one day on nick at nite and I watched him. He seems kinda evil but I don't know. I not really sure if he is as dumb as his characters he plays. I mean really, he owned the shop on "Taxi" then later was a babysitter who screwed the mom. See, there is something to being able to work on a car then being able to have legs up sex while getting free room and board. He had something going on there. It might have been his boxing. I'm really not sure, but the chicks dug him.
Did anyone really know what his tattoo was? It said "Hail Satan." He wanted everyone to know that. It also might have said, "I love the lord", but I have bad eyesight. So I don't know. All I know is he had a stable of broads. In every show he had his bitches. So maybe he wasn't that dumb.
Maybe he should buy a pimp hat.
Or was maybe that was Tony Danza. - T
michele steps on a crack:
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen
It’s not even the Full House twins I’d like to reminisce about. Truly, I hated that show. I wanted to rip Kimmy Gibler’s heart out and force feed it to Danny Tanner. After I took the stick out of his ass and beat Uncle Joey over the head with it. We’ll leave Uncle Jessie out of this.
My fond memories of the Olsen twins all revolve around that underrated, misunderstood Kirstie Alley/Steve Guttenberg masterpiece, It Takes Two.
Sigh. They were so cute. So charming. The kind of kids you just wanted to grab off the street and shove in the trunk of your car and take home and put in a small dungeon where they would spend the rest of their childhood performing theatrical adaptations of Grimm Fairy tales for you.
Did I say that out loud?
But, alas, all good things must come to and end and soon those polite, perfect charming little girls have outgrown your imaginary dungeon and they have gone on to bigger and better things.
Like appearing to be heroin addicts in search of that last fix. Like thinning down to the point where they started to look like those starving Ethiopian kids in the guilt-trip posters from the 80's. Like posing in not-so innocent ways and giving every guy between 13-95 enough lesbian sister fantasies to last them through ten cases of Kleenex and about 10 dozen tube socks.
That’s not how I remember those little girls. It Takes Two. I keep that close to my heart. Sure, it makes me think of Steve Guttenberg, too. But it’s the price one pays for keeping the Olsen twins pure, if in mind only.
A not so famous person born on Friday the 13th
I never believed in the Friday the 13th bad luck thing. I always pissed people off by telling them it was actually a lucky day for me, that good things happen to me on those days. I just like to be oppositional. It’s how I get the few shits and giggles I can find in a day.
But it turns out I was right after all. Well, I was right once and that’s all that matters. Because one Friday the 13th about 34 years ago, a Turtle was born. When the best thing that ever happened to you was born on a Friday the 13th, you tend to think that the day is not quite so dark and evil and unlucky.
So happy Friday the 13th. You can keep your bad luck and superstitions and creepy urban legends. I got myself a lucky Turtle. -M
So what's your take on Friday the 13th? Bad vibes? Good luck? Have any superstitions or fears you want to tell us about? Or maybe you just want to talk about the underlying complexities within the plot line of It Takes Two. Or Cuban cigars. We're pretty easy around here.
Michele and Turtle write Late Night Typing while wearing each other's lucky underwear.