A Different Way To Butter Your Bread
by Matthew Chase

Here we are this week and I have many things that have crossed my mind about this week’s article. So I think since I caught myself laughing about this just a few days ago, I’ll begin with a few more little issues I have about sex. More to the point sex toys. Why do we have so many bizarre contraptions for something so intimate as love making? I don’t know why we do some of the things we do in order to feel good. For example I was just wondering the other day: What is the purpose of a butt plug?

baby_front.jpgA butt plug is a “device” that looks rather like a large mushroom. I suppose it is used similarly to a dildo as it is inserted into an orifice to create pleasure in that area.. Only from the way it seems to be designed, it’s meant to STAY put. I assume a dildo is created to mostly move about. So what is a butt plug meant to accomplish? Is it solely to keep one’s rectum relaxed? Does everyone like to feel loose? And what happens if it goes in a wee bit more than it should and you loose it up there? Can you stand with one of these inside you? I should think it would be pretty painful, and look a lot like you’re putting a traffic cone into a place where no cars would bother to go. Some of these butt plugs have themes to them as well.

There is a new thing I heard about last week called “Puppy Play” and it’s pretty much as it sounds. One party dresses up as exactly that, a dog. (I can’t imagine why.) The other, plays the dogs owner. Now from what I have been told, there is an entire line of toys that one can purchase for this particular brand of sex, including a butt plug with a tail, a dog shaped leather mask, harnesses, and even specialized collars and leashes, not to be outdone by food and water dishes! A night of play consists of getting into character, the owner “feeding” the dog and having an entire night of this good dog, bad dog, routine. This seems to me like role-play gone WAY further than your average: “Naughty Nurse” sex-play.

It doesn’t seem too arousing to me to have someone whacking me in the nose with a newspaper, saying “Bad Dog!” actually it seems pretty painful and really embarrassing. Not to mention having to spend time on all fours with a butt plug up my ass with a makeshift puppy-tail sticking out… Funny? Yes. Sexy? No. This kind of play seems have a lot in common with S+M, which is the whole abuse dominant/submissive routine people seem to enjoy. Now I enjoy my handcuffs, my little play whip, and a decent feather, but I’d rather not have someone tie me down and spank my ass so raw that it is practically a brilliant shade of purple. I wouldn’t want to be the dominant person and abuse anyone like that either. I mean, I can’t see myself tweaking someone’s nipples until they are bruised and feeling like that meant he loved me. “I love you baby, now let me beat you senseless.”

spot.jpgOdd, and here I thought love was something beautiful, caring, and about respecting your partner. When it seems parts of the population believe love is an act of voluntary rape and abuse. Hmmmmmm...

Let’s move on to another toy I do not seem to understand. Nipple clamps. Boy do I not understand these things. I had the “pleasure” of trying one of these things on… (For just a split second, it wasn’t much longer.) Let me tell you it felt as though my poor nips were going to be torn from my torso in a most unpleasant manner! Oh man, to think some people can stick these babies onto themselves, add electricity, and feel aroused is beyond me. Does their chest hair smoke? Does it all stand on end? What if you fell into the tub? (Why would you do this in a bathroom???) Since exactly WHEN did we all begin to arm ourselves like Rambo in order to make love?

Who spends this kind of cash? I don’t think I could ever find the expendable cash to spend over three hundred dollars on a leather mask no one will see except you and your lover. Why bother when you can find neat little masks for a few bucks at a costume chop? There are people who spend hundreds upon hundreds of dollars to buy sex toys, swings, position pillows, specialized lubricants, cages, special chairs, restraints, whips, flogging devices, butt plugs, and don’t forget the Crisco! Still a favorite among the fisting set, Crisco is still widely used in order to allow someone the ability to insert an ARM into a body.

This practice is deadly folks! Not the Crisco, the fisting. There is a tissue in the upper abdomen, that is as delicate as a wet paper towel, it’s approximately eight to ten inches up there, and if you tear it, you’re dead, Poof, that’s it, end of story. Not to mention the terror your poor anus must endure while you risk your life. More on this later… Back to crisco.jpgCrisco, one of the amazing things about this cooking supply gone wrong, is that while still used, it’s not being used discreetly. I have seen adult movies, where the can of Crisco is in plain view and used liberally. (I am not a fisting fanatic, but I have been subjected to viewing its follower’s porn, which should be avoided.) There are no pretenses in these films about the “Exotic” lubricant they use. Seems a little crazy to me that Crisco hasn’t completely objected to the use of it’s product in these films. But perhaps they like it because it certainly must affect sales; I can’t remember when I’ve ever seen the stuff used for baking ever. So I guess it’s possible that it’s actually silently endorsed by the makers of Crisco. You know, funny story, I once saw one of these films that included a man, a can of Crisco, and a selection of Bocce balls. (Large, relatively heavy balls used for lawn bowling.) Draw your own conclusions.

Another item that boggles my faggy little mind is the: “Ball stretcher” or “Umbrella”. This little gem attaches itself about the top of the testicles and has three chains that attach underneath to a small ring, onto this ring one can attach weights, one amazing feat involved a three pound weight! That mans poor little boys were pulled almost nine inches from his torso, he looked ridiculous, and in pain. But he still thought it was OH SO hot! Me, I thought: “Where is the nearest exit!?!” How does a person DO this?

What makes physical pain in the extreme good for sex? I know there IS a fine line between pain and pleasure, but how many clothespins can you place on a guy before you’re crossing a line? (Personally my answer is “One”.) I have been witness to photographs of people so laden with clothespins, that they no longer resembled people so much as a popsicle stick creation you made in 3rd grade while at camp. How did someone come up with this anyway? “Ohh baby, you’re so hot let me hang you up to dry! Hey! I have a better idea!”

studio02.JPGPaddles are another thing I barely understand, I mean, its one thing to have a fantasy and be spanked, it’s another to have someone decide that a board covered in and paper would make a pleasing addition to your collection of sexual memorabilia. What happens when your parents come to visit? What happens if you leave the door unlocked and one of your kids accidentally finds your hidden dungeon of pleasure? Would you really bother to tell your mom that you don’t hang potted plants from those hooks, but you do have a great sex swing that fits perfectly? How does one explain away a guest finding the car battery and tit clamps you store under the coffee table? Or maybe having to tell your sister that you do half of your baking in the bedroom, which is why there is Crisco on the shelf.

It seems like too much for the sake of a few hours or minutes of pleasure… true, you could have marathon sex, but does lube come out of leather? Then does the butt plug come out? How big should it be? Should the swing get weight tested? Should you keep extra treats in case another “puppy” owner should drop by with his “dog”? Where does the civility end, and the abuse begin? Do safety words always work? What kind of words do you use? I guess I’ll never fully understand why people do what they do for pleasure, but I know a lot of it involves items better left for cooking, charging your car, not your nipples, and items meant for the ultimate feeling of constipation, because it’s just so “hot”.

To me, “hot” is a man fresh out of the shower, smelling clean dripping wet, looking FINE. Or even the one home from rough labor dripping sweat and smelling all MANLY. “Hot” can be a man in a flattering bathing suit, or a uniform, or any piece of costuming that is man_w_towel.jpgreasonable wear in public. I like role playing, having my man in uniform, or dressed as a cowboy, maybe a prison inmate for those “conjugal visits”, stuff like that. The dungeon of doom, I leave to the professionals, would you really go out in a dog mask with a butt plug up your ass to dinner? I think I’d like to keep my sex a little more “Halloween costume party” as opposed to, “Sadistic man in hooded mask wants to make me a slave, and beat me”.

Sometimes I get the feeling like if I was ever to wind up in one of these “Home Dungeons”, I just might pass out for fear of what was going on. Then again, I might get a sadistic pleasure from it. (Hard telling not knowing.) Either way these things will continue to boggle my mind for a good long time until I either try it; or until I get old and forget I ever saw the things I’ve seen on film and in life. I’m kind of hoping that I’ll forget, but until then I’ll just wonder what the hell people are thinking when they do something so destructive in the name of pleasure.

I’m thinking next week I’ll be discussing different fetishes I’ve heard about, and even some that I have! I hope that I haven’t totally scarred you all, and that you all find happiness in the coming week. Don’t worry about me, I’m a drag queen. What do I know?

Matthew has never, ever used the infamous Jesus buttplug.



ya there's a line for me too about this shit, but i'm telling you, i get weirder as i get older, so i try not to judge anyone else's idea of "fun."

'the stone that the builder refuse' and all...


Damn, I'm tame by comparison... Bocce balls ?


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