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It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year
by Michele Christopher
Tonight we are talking a "break" from other activities cause both of us need to take more vitamins if we are going to keep up this "pace." See what I did there? I made a euphemism for us having sex. I am good at sneaking those in there. Hell, one time I told an employee of the Gap that I liked the Gap's new fall "colors" when I really meant I shit in the dressing room stalls cause I was so high at the time, I thought it was the bathroom. See, euphemism right there. Get you out of a lot of trouble sometimes. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
So tonight we are actually both working out of the new FTTW Headquarters in New York.
Yes, we have a headquarters.
Pretty exciting stuff.
Anyways, that set the record for the longest LNT intro ever.
So lets get this going.
Yeah, it's that time of the year. Love them or hate them. Here they come. Barraging your ass like a member of the Aryan Nation passing you around like currency in Prison. Well, maybe not that bad, but prolly pretty close.
So what was your favorite? Or hell, what was the one that makes cringe the most?
turtle will sue anyone who gets any ideas
I'd have to say my favorite holiday specials have been any of the Peanuts ones. I mean not cause they kicked ass or anything like that. Just the opposite. It was just cause they were so sad. Not like boo-hoo sad. Just sad. They are sad. Sadness just can’t describe the sadness of the "Specials". I mean jeez, wasn't Charles Schultz like one rich motherfucker and all these cartoons look like he put about as much cash into making them as a drunk puts into getting booze. "Peanuts" are the MD 20/20 of the cartoon world. It's like he hired the writers who could type out anything as long as he was guaranteed at least one Linus Slot.
If you don't know, the Linus Slot is when everything was going to hell and it looked over. Things were at the peak of disaster when the Linus Slot came out and told us something about God or Jesus or something that makes that makes all these idiot kids stop and think about the true meaning of whatever holiday it was. I'm waiting for a new one to come out where the Linus Slot will include references to Muhammad and Islam being the devil's religion. That is the Linus Slot. Linus is the Jack Chick of Peanuts. If you guys haven't realized the obvious conclusion by now, I will help you along.
Linus is Jack Chick's son. Yes, I know there are still some holes in my theory, but I am ironing them out as we speak. Soon the world will know about this shocking truth. And like always, just before I can finish my book about it, Ted Turner or that bastard, Rupert Murdoch will make a TV movie on it just like they did with my "Taco Bell owns Green Day" theory, which I must point out is god damn true. Then I lose my cut of the profits. Hey, let's face it here folks, if I am going to expose some theory to the world, I wanna make a buck. So until the outcome of turtle v. FOX et al 124 NY2nd, US 438, I'm keeping my mouth shut about Linus Chick. - T
It's that time of year again. Sleigh bells ringing. Children singing. People killing each other for prime parking spaces at the mall. And, of course, the plethora of Christmas specials on television.
Now, I'm a big fan of Christmas specials. Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas. The infamous Star Wars special. Year Without a Santa Claus. Hell, all the Rankin Bass stuff. I never get tired of those shows.
I refuse to watch Rudolph. On general principal. See, it's an evil little movie.
I see you looking at me crooked. But, you say, there is no creature as beloved as that red-nosed reindeer! Is there any stop-motion animated movie that tugs at your heart more?
No, of course not. Or so they would have you think. They...you know who they are...have you in their power. You cannot resist.
You will gather - and by you I mean everyone - Christians, Jews, Atheists, Satanists - in front of the tv with your children or by yourself or with someone else's children or maybe your cat if you are that kind of person, at some point in the next month to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. You know it. You've done it every year since you were a little shit of a kid.
Well, I'm here to put a stop to that. Rudolph is not a cuddly, warm, fuzzy story. Rudolph, in fact, is a tale of mental abuse and terrible child rearing.
Stick with me here.
When Rudolph is first discovered to have the light bulb nose, his own father is appalled. Ashamed, he tries to cover up his son's nose. What kind of father is that? He is telling his kid right off the bat, "kid, you're ugly and you embarrass me. Disguise yourself in public, you ugly little bastard." Right then and there someone should have called social services to tell them that there that this too-macho stag was emotionally damaging his child. I mean, the poor kid has a disfigurement. They should have been helping him, not making him feel even worse about it.
So everyone eventually finds out about Rudie's nose anyhow. The other reindeer kids torment him and pick on him and turn him into an outcast. He's not allowed to join in their games because he is...OMG!..different! Come on now. We all know this would never happen on a playground today. Those reindeer that made fun of Rudolph would have to undergo sensitivity training or maybe they'd be suspended for making terroristic threats. Or just terrorizing Rudolph. Same difference. Either way, those little fuckers should have had their asses kicked.
Yea, I was picked on by bullies in grade school and I never got over it. Wanna make something of it?
So what happens? Rudolph gets pissy, leaves town and goes off on an adventure and what do you know? Turns out his light bulb nose can actually come in handy. Hey, the kid is a freak, but he's a useful freak. Ripe for exploitation. It's like taking a kid with a peg leg and making fun of him every day until you are missing a bat during the recess baseball game. Then all of a sudden that peg leg kid is looking good.
Eventually the rest of the reindeer gang find out that Rudolph is going to lead Santa's sleigh through the snowstorm. Yea, Rudy has hit the big time. He's hot shit. He's gonna be famous, probably be on Oprah next week and come out with his own line of moisturizer. Fucking Santa's sleigh, man. Do you know how HUGE that is to a reindeer? Especially to a misfit reindeer? For the deer that made fun of Rudolph, that's like finding out that nerd in the AV club banged the lead cheerleader. Twice.
You know what happens after that. The reindeer suddenly love Rudolph. God damn bandwagon riders. He's a hero now. Even though they scorned him and ridiculed him, the other reindeer kids decide they want Rudy in their club now. They can use his disfigurement to their advantage. Maybe get in tight with Santa. Hump a few Doe at the North Pole Holiday Party.
Now what would you do if you were Rudolph? Me, I'd tell Santa and the other reindeer to go fuck themselves. Santa's no saint here, kids. He kind of blew Rudolph off in the beginning. Before he knew that shiny red light was gonna help him deliver on his ridiculous promise to get presents to every gentile kid in the world. And the reindeer? I'd rather let Hermy work on my teeth with no novacaine than let those little bastards get any kind of benefit from the birth defect they used to make fun of me for.
But what does that wimp Rudolph do? He leads the damn sleigh and saves the day. Now everyone in this movie - from Rudolph's parents to his girlfriend to Santa, the other reindeer and the Yukon guy - mocked him throughout or at least make him feel like crap for just being who he is. And yet he wants to save all their asses and make everyone live happily ever after.
Apparently, Rudolph has no balls.
This is all his father's fault. Dad turned Rudolph into the reindeer equivelant of a nerd when he taught Rudie to just take the abuse from his neighbors and classmates. Because he deserved it. After all, he was hideously deformed. In essence, he taught his son not to stand up for himself. He taught his son how to be used and abused and just take it. He taught Rudolph that it's ok for people to walk all over you if you're ugly or disfigured because that's the only way you'll ever get anyone to hang out with you. Dad had this great opportunity to teach Rudolph an important life lesson about self image and he blew it because of his own damn vanity. Fucking guy should be made into venison stew.
If Rudolph had learned anything at all on his great adventure, he would have turned around and said "fuck off and die you miserable bastards" to all of them. Find some other sucker to save Christmas for you. And then he would take out his AK-47 and turn the whole crowd of miserable reindeer into a carnivore's dream. Then he would go back to the Island of Misfit Toys, become their ruler and plot to take over all of Rankin-Bass land.
But he didn't. He totally wussed out. Yea, it makes for a great Christmas special, but I worry that the youth of America has been getting the wrong message from it all these years.
Moral of the story: Parents, don't let your babies grow up to be Rudolphs. Don't let them even watch Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Or it could be your kid standing in the middle of the forest one day, gunning down all the brats who wouldn't let him play their reindeer games.
This has been a public service announcement. -M
So those are some of the worst, evil specials that are coming your way for the next few months. Hell, they already started. You can feel the pure form o' evil start to shake your bones as the King Holiday Evil Movie that name cannot even be spoken comes along. Let's just say it is on every night for a month straight and stars that Jimmy Stewart guy.
So what are your most hated Holiday movies or specials?
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