Motel Hotel Holiday Inn
by Michele Christopher

I will be the first to admit that sometimes I don't make the best choices in life. Long term goals, I'm pretty good at. You know, the sitting down and figuring things out and what will happen in the future, I'm good at that stuff. But as far as spur of the moment things, I kinda suck. i just kinda go with what I feel and let the chips fall where they fall. Someone is gonna pick up the pieces but it sure as fuck isn't going to be me.

I had my plan and i was sticking to it. The only question is, when that plan goes into effect. That has always been my problem. I'll help anyone and give them any advice I can offer I can tell them what I would do in their situation, but when it comes to taking my own advice, it's like taking a crap with no toilet paper. It works, but it's gonna be messy.

So as the day grew closer to leaving, I thought about how I was go into do this. I hired a couple of crackheads or potheads, hell if I know, to help me throw out everything that couldn't fit into my car. We dragged out furniture and I took what I could hold. I really can't describe the feeling of loading up what you need and throwing out what you want.

See, I'm a long term thinker. I blame my dad and his experimental medical shots in the 70s for the way I am today. Or maybe it's because I stopped giving a fuck about anything about myself many years ago. All i knew was I snagged two cushions off the sofa as it was being dragged out and made a bed in the back of the car. Loading up all my stuff, I needed to think. When you see a Google map that says "turn left onto I-80, proceed for 2300 miles," things click in your head.

Are you really going to sleep in your car the whole way?

loadedcar.jpgMichele said no.

The hell with that. I've done this before.

What the hell did i get myself into?

More clothes were loaded into the car and my cushions were perfect. I could sleep on the road. Fuck, I've done it before. But, this was different. No music. No dog. No nothing. No more nothing. I gave my old friends my stereo equipment and just kept what I needed. Sold some stuff and hit the road. I had a handful of Ativan to get me to sleep at night and i was gone.

It seemed so simple. So easy. That's what i thought until I hit the 500 mile mark and needed to sleep. Searching around I found a rest stop and rest stops work. No one fucks with you in a rest stop unless you want to get laid or buy speed, so everything was cool. Or so I thought. The cushion idea was gone. It was just a pipe dream I had one night watching tv. They were now buried in tons of material that had shifted as i was driving. I popped an Ativan and just tried to make the night go away.

1:00. No sleep.

2:00. Still no sleep.

See with Ativan, you have a very small window to fall down. If you miss that window, it's pretty much over. My body has a very strange reaction of working with drugs. I know that window and I need to exploit it as much as possible. When I feel the haze coming on, I need to start thinking about Gomer Pyle and his latent sexuality or something about Don Knotts or i can't sleep.

Well Gomer and Barney Fife didn't work. So i hit the road again.

Let me start off by saying a lot of prescription pills say don't drive while you are on them. That's all well and good, but I had to keep moving. What do doctors know anyway?

The fog rolled in and my eyes were trailing everything i was looking at. Seeing wasn't the problem. Comprehension was. I know that if I got pulled over, they were prescription pills. I have no issues there. But staying on the road was my biggest concern.

I pulled over at another rest stop to try to get an hour in. Something. Anything. I was scratching like a tweaker wondering where i was at.

Passing out on the road is not a good thing.

The next night the cushions were thrown out and i hit the cheap motels.

Little lesson for you all.

Always listen to Michele.

Turtle is currently resting at a Motel 6 in Indiana.
Turtle is ready to head east again today



Let me get this straight: no music? No music for a cross country trip? That's fucked up, man. You are a much stronger man than I. There's no way I could handle that.

Anyway, that's shit that you got stuck in Iowa. Glad you finally got out of there and I'm looking forward to the news of you arriving happy and healthy (or perhaps at least healthy? [okay, not dead]) in New York.

Oh, and I haven't had a chance to thank you for agreeing to take me on as a writer here at FTTW. Thank you for that. It's always cool when someone doesn't think your writing is shit.


Philadelphia to Asheville, NC. According to Mapquest, it's only 10 hours, but it took about 12 for Biggie and myself to make it down there.

I drove it straight because he didn't have a license and can still remember laying in the motel room after we'd gotten there, feeling the car vibrate under me. It took about forty minutes for that to finally wear off. I can't imagine what your body is doing to you....


Argh, fucking Ativan. I hate those things. But they do the trick, they do what they're supposed to for the most part.

I'd always feel like a zombie the day after I took one, I almost felt better going without the sleep.

Drive safe man.


Glad to hear you are back on your way. You should be able to make some good progress today I hope! Should be there tomorrow or even possibly today. East Bound and Down...


i rented a uhaul, parked it in hotel lots and slept in the back next to my motorcycle with a baseball bat and my mini-dox.

but i also had a radio and the aforementioned "dog."

don't tell my parents, they would swear that i rented motel rooms. no need to worry them now.


He will be in NY tomorrow.

Sure, my advice pronlonged the trip a bit, but it's been much less stressful on the both of us.

Let's hope there's not too much of that legendary construction traffic on i-80 going through Ohio today.


East Bound and Down.


My wife and I are drivers. When we lived in Arizona, we made the drive from Sierra Vista to my home in Quitman, Louisiana straight, several times (24-26 hours or so). Most of the time, we split it in half, but I did drive it through straight once.

When we moved from there to Fort Polk, LA, we stopped at my parents on the way. We had a rented Ryder truck. Me driving, our oldest (then, like 16 months or so) in the middle and my wife on the passenger side. The biggest goddam truck they carry. We stopped the first night in El Paso. The next day I drove straight through. I hate those fucking trucks.


i used to have fantasies of jerry reed after he guest starred on "alice."

uh am i dating myself? shit.


Hey good buddy got yer ears on? What's yer 10-20? Copy! Watch out for smokeys out there! 10-4!
-Rubber Duck


Uh, you wanna give me a 10-9 on that Pig-Pen?
Uh, negatory Pig-Pen, yer still too close
Yeah, them hogs is startin' close up my sinuses
Mercy sakes, you better back off another ten

I hate you for making me do that.


Breaker, Breaker
We got us a Chuck Norris movie coming in here.

Chuck Norris made me post this.



Whoops! No hot linking!


Turtle's having Little House withdrawals about now... Hope you have cable, Michele.


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