Movie Review : V For Vendetta
by Michele Christopher
Travis is the man behind the FTTW column Your Parents Hate You.
originally posted on April 7th 2006, right before I went to the wachowski household and beat them with squid
What's the difference between slamming your dick in a car door and watching V for Vendetta? V for Vendetta drags the excrutiating pain out for almost two hours and tries to disguise itself as entertainment. I can't remember the last time I went to watch a film and came out happy. Each and every time I forego the idea of downloading a new release -- and actually expend the energy to put on pants and go to the theatre -- I am left with a sudden urge to gnaw off my tongue and choke to death on it. The most recent peanut laden turd-log of a film is the newest addition to the filmography of the Wachowski brothers: V for Vendetta. While I think the film sucks out loud, critics are just clambering over each other to fellate Larry and Andy Wachowski on the stellar job they've done. Well the critics are wrong. Wrong like Michael Jackson having custody of his kids is wrong. Wrong like serving free ham at a Bah Mitzvah is wrong. Wrong like showing Keanu Reeve's ass in a major motion picture is wrong. Seeing as how I am smarter than EVERY MOVIE CRITIC EVERYWHERE...EVER, and I don't have to worry about not being invited to the next A-list Hollywood party for running off at the mouth and offending everyone. I now present to you:
10: The original writer of the movie completely divested himself from the film. This should be the first sign that a movie is going to suck. Any writer would be ecstatic to have one of their ideas made into a big budget, studio, film. It means a substantial paycheck and validation as a professional. Alan Moore saw the direction the Wachowski's were taking his idea and walked away from the project in totality. The studio should have seen this as a giant red flag and shit-canned the film. But no, they figured the Wachowski name would be enough to carry this piece of crap. Attention everyone at Warner Brothers...I hope you get STDs.
9: I figured out the TRUTH about this film.
Sometime during the making of The Matrix: Reloaded Larry Wachowski left his wife, started dating a dominatrix, wearing women's underwear, and from all appearances...started taking women's hormones.(click the picture to see the larger image) This movie is not about political revolution, it's Larry Wachowski's cry for sexual acceptance. This, I believe, is why Alan Moore ran away from this movie so fast that flames shot out of his ass. The Character V is the master of the movie. He wears a stylized gimp mask, has a secret dungeon where he keeps people, and he likes inflicting pain up close and personal, which is why he carries knives instead of guns. The second most important tertiary character, the TV station manager, is a gay masochist. The entire movie is about people outside of the sexual norm striking out against the sexual standard. I really don't care what fetishes people have. If you want someone to tie you up and shove popsicles up your ass...well good for you, it's just not for me. But if I wanted to watch a movie about someone's cry for sexual acceptance I'd go watch brokeback mountain or my own private Idaho, not something that is sold to the masses as a popcorn-munching, summer, action flick.
8: COHESION. The entire middle third of the movie had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the film. Oh sure it had some minor sub-plot points, but those could have been covered in about 7 minutes or so. For anyone looking into becoming a writer do the world a favor and read Aristotle's: Poetics. You don't even have to buy the text here's a link to it online. Aristotle set down the basic framework for the three act story structure. Here it is in it's simplest form: ACT ONE: Introduce the characters and set the protagonist on their journey. ACT TWO: Set roadblocks to be overcome. Build antagonist/protagonist struggle. Act two should end with the protagonist seemingly being unable to accomplish the task and defeat the the antagonist. ACT THREE: The final confrontation between antagonist and protagonist, the outcome, and then tying up loose ends and sub-plots. This movie sucked bad enough that it botched up the easiest ending ever. Instead of V killing the president that's been oppressing him, one of the president's staff does it in front of V and then he battles a group of nameless thugs. It was the shittiest ending ever because the good guy didn't defeat the bad guy. The good guy let another bad guy beat the ultimate bad guy and looked impotent, as a do-gooder, in the process. The best part of the ending was the V died, which should mean no possibility of a sequel.
7: The fancy looking domino scene. What the fuck was the point of this? Sure it's visually appealing but if you step into the reality of the movie you have to think 'Is this guy fighting for freedom or proving that British guys are better at dominoes than those wacky Asians?' Honeslty. He's about to walk into the big showdown with the big bad guy and he decides to play with his toys? Really? Oh sure other movies have used this trick before: The Crow and Daredevil come to mind, but compared to this piece of schlock they did it tastefully. And anytime you say a movie starring Ben Affleck was better than a movie you just watched, you know that you just killed a little bit of your soul.
6: NO ROBOTS: These days how can you have a movie, based in a distopian future, without robots? The fact that it had robots would not have saved this movie -- mainly because they would have turned them into some sort of robot sex slave. Shit, The Matrix movies had all sorts of super cool evil robots and they still fucked that series up seven ways from Sunday. This movie could have definitely benefited from the liberal use of killer robots. At least then I would've had someone to cheer for.
5: Natalie Portman. First off: Natalie Portman's British accent is absolutely atrocious. I have a British Friend and having heard a British accent first hand I can say that Natalie Portman doing a British accent is something akin to a donkey singing opera. On top of that; if you shave Natalie Portman's head she looks like, and has the tits and ass of, a ten year old boy. If you wanted to cast a woman who looks like a little boy you could've cast Winona Rider because then I could fantasize that she'd blow me for a perkaset.
4: The lack of a real action star. That's one of the key components missing in this movie. No one believes that V is capable of defeating the bad guys. Who would be better? Who does everyone knoe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, would kick everyone's ass? CHUCK MOTHER-FUCKING NORRIS! That's right, I'm jumping on the internet band wagon of making Chuck Norris a god...and rightfully so. Chuck Norris wouldn't need accomplices or explosives to bring down a corupt government. All he would need is a sneer, a roundhouse kick, and a denim shirt with no sleeves and he would've blown up parliament.
There's a rumor going around that the sequel to The Passion of The Christ: Christ Harder, had to be scrapped because Chuck Norris was unavailable to play the part of god. There were also script problems. Apparently no one could handle Chuck Norris telling Jesus to, "Quit being a pussy and take it like a man." At this point in the script Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick and wipes out humanity. No Chuck Norris? Wachowski's, what were you thinking?
3: The political message. Holy god you people weren't even subtle this time. Blah Blah Blah george bush is bad. Blah Blah Blah george bush hates fags. This movie might as well had a poster that said, "If you're queer and hate bush, boy have we got a movie for you." Look, we all know that you folks in Hollywood hate george bush okay. WE GET IT...so it's time to let it go. You only have to put up with him for two more years and then we can all elect a new bicycle seat sniffer to sit in the big chair. So how's about we all agree to leave modern day political analysis out of movies...sound good? Okay then. You can all resume sitting in a corner sucking your thumb until the primaries in 2008.
2:Keanu Reeves' Ass. Oh sure it wasn't in this movie, but no movie ever should show keanu's pasty white man ass. The Wachowski brtohers shouldn't have been allowed near a camera...EVER...after filming a scene with a naked Keanu Reeves. Just thinking about it made me throw up in my mouth a little.
1: Larry Wachowski. Since he was responsible for the adaptation of this movie from comic to film I think the sole blame for this appalling film rests on his shoulders. Now you may be asking yourself,"But the brothers work as a team. How can he blame just one of them?" WATCH ME. As I said somewhere in number nine that Larry started dating a dominatrix during the making of the second matrix film. Well, ever since Larry embarked on his alternative lifestyle his ability to write anything worth two tugs of a dead dog's dick has completely gone down the tubes. However, his ability to pepper his writing with all of his fetishist leanings has been completely overt. Just look at how the bad guys changed from The Matrix to Revolutions. All of sudden, instead of just guys in suits and SWAT team members, now we have people who own fetish clubs and bad-guys in all leather bondage gear and gimp masks. And no one can argue the fact that the matrix two and three paled in comparison to the first one. I blame all of this on Larry's inability to seperate his professional and personal life. Though I have to admit that his girlfriend made out pretty well in the whole deal. Living with the demented Wachowski brother has to be better than living with the odd-ball pornstar she was dating. His name is Buck Angel..."A partial female to male transexual, better known in the pron world as THE DUDE WITH A PUSSY." (I so wish I was making this shit up.)
And there you have it. Ten amazingly sound reasons why you should not only NEVER see V for Vendetta but also, for precautionary measures, you should return everything Matrix related that you've ever purchased. This movies fails on such a grand scale that I think I'd almost rather watch anything starring Ashton Kutcher, as long as it showed him being disemboweled by an ill-tempered homeless man or a being clubbed with the prosthetic leg of a war veteran. I am officially giving up on going to the theater until X-Men III comes out. Unfortuantely that too will probably suck beacuse Bryan Singer left a succesful franchise to attempt to re-launch the lamest movie series ever: SUPERMAN. I've had it, I'm going to go watch wrestling now, at least I know what I'm getting into with that shit.
Travis likes Alan Moore, but hates the movies made from his work.